E-Quality Street.

 

 

Even though Christmas has just passed, the Quality Street scoffed, you'd think the weaker sex would be happy for once in their lives. Well it would seem not! For yonks, women have been moaning about equal rights, and a soon as the E.U says the insurance companies must charge women the same rates as the men [who are much better drivers] they start complaining. British women should thank their lucky stars they've got it so cushy. Over there in India they throw their women under the bus - and no, that's not a euphemism for something else!

A Woman's Guide To Car Driving.

 

Get in car.

Close door.

Adjust seat.

Adjust mirrors.

Check hair.

Check make-up.

Check mobile phone.

Fasten seat belt.

Re-check make-up.

Re-check hair.

Start car.

Select 1st gear.

Drive away.

Select 2nd gear.

Release handbrake!

 

Agony Uncle.

 

Dear Agony Uncle.

Last Wednesday I left for work at the usual time with briefcase [containing ham salad and a strawberry yoghurt ] in hand. I had just turned left onto the High Street when the car came to a juddering halt. No matter what I tried it wouldn't start and a passerby suggested it may be a fuel blockage. Anyway, we pushed it onto the verge to free up the traffic flow and then I walked up the hill to go back home. My wife obviously wasn't expecting me as, when I stepped through the back door into the kitchen, I was horrified to hear noises of 'lusting passion' coming from the lounge. The door was slightly ajar so I took a deep breath and peeked inside. There was my wife, naked as a Jaybird, locked in a passionate embrace with the young, good looking, tattoo covered body-builder from next door. What am I to do?

Yours with the utmost discretion,

Mr. P


Dear Brian Pettigrew.

I have given this matter a great deal of thought. Fuel flow issues are quite common nowadays so I suggest you check the fuel line and carburettor for debris first. If these are clear I suggest you take it to a garage then start using an 'in tank fuel injector cleaner' to avoid it happening again.

Yours faithfully,

Agony Uncle.

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As always, at the end of each enthralling blog I try and impart a small nugget of wisdom on those of you less intellectually gifted than myself.

 

''The problem with people who mean everything they say is; they believe others do the same.''

 

 

 

 



Ups and downs, and political clowns.

Not only has it been a busy old week for me, but also for that wooden clog wearing Felix Baumgartner, who skydived from a height of 24 miles! Apparently, just before he jumped from his little capsule he shouted ''I can see my house from here!'' 

 

 During his freefall, Felix reached speeds of around 820mph, which by a strange coincidence is exactly the same speed a British M.P hits whilst putting in a claim for expenses. Shortly after parachuting back down to terrafirma, Mr Baumgartner held a press conference for the waiting ....err.... press. Felix said that during his descent, he was ''spinning perilously out of control, drifting in and out of conciousness and wasn't sure if he'd survive.'' I guess now he knows what it's like to be David Cameron!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's been reported that government borrowing is still increasing despite all the austerity measures, or what normal people would call cut-backs, implemented by the Nasty Party. Now personally, I can't see where they're going wrong....

 

1.They've slashed the welfare budget by billions, hitting hard the most vulnerable in society. Home Helps cut. Day Care Centres for handicapped people - closed....etc

 

2. They've stood back whilst: gas, electric, water rates, fuel, food and consumables have gone through the roof, whilst ordinary workers pay has been frozen or slashed to the bone [that's if they're lucky enough to still have a job].

  

3. Multinational companies have been let-off paying mega billions owed in tax arrears - that's if they actually pay any tax at all, like: Starbucks, Next, Boots, Amazon - to name just a few.

 

4. They've handed contracts worth billions to foreign companies whilst putting our own workforce on the dole - even though our products were of a superior quality and offered better value for money.

5. They've handed over taxpayers money to fund Syrian ''rebels'' only to now realise what we all knew from the very start of the conflict - that the so-called ''rebels'' are infact hardline islamic terrorists trying to overthrow a legitimate government by starting another jihad. 

 

6. And they've even given a tax-cut to the richest people in the country! ..... and we're still up to our necks in it. Maybe it's time the poor should start thinking about tightening their belts again?? 

 

 

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Last week, Aaron Cawley found himself getting 14 weeks banged-up in the 'Big Hooose' as Jim McDonald always called it. Yes, whilst 'mullered' during a football match, he ran onto the pitch and slapped the young, strapping, 6ft 3in Sheffield goalkeeper who, as you'd expect, immediately crashed to the floor as though a grand piano had been pushed from Felix Baumgartner's hot air balloon and landed on his noggin.

14 weeks in jail for this.



 Now, contrast that sentence with the one handed out to the career criminal who ripped the walking crutches from Angus Wittall, aged 15 - and proceeded to beat him half to death with those crutches leaving him bleeding as he lay on the floor at local park in Northamptonshire. The 'powers that be' decided his attacker needed no more than a warning!!!

Just a 'warning' for his attacker!

 

So, that's 14 weeks in jail for slapping a 100k a week footballer - versus a ticking-off for beating someone half to death. A cynical person might say the law in this country is only here to protect the rich and famous in society..... I couldn't possibly pass comment. 

 

!?*&$$$!!!

 

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As per usual, at the end of each rant .... or erm... blog, I bestow on you all a spot of much needed wisdom, in my universally trumpeted  'Wise Words.' 

 

''Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.''

Spaseeba!

 



Lolita La Vida Loca !!

 

Megan Stammers -
 Not any more she doesn't!
 

Well the Daily Mail readers have been going into overdrive this past week as a teenage Lolita and her 30 year old maths teacher have eloped to France, and all because ''we want to be togetherrrr.'' The only thing I find disgusting about the story is - as though these teachers don't get enough bloody holidays already. Now they're having jaunts to France with free bump-n-grind with pupils thrown in to boot! Now I'm all in favour of one-on-one tuition but this is taking things a bit too far. Maybe they were preparing for an oral exam or maybe A-levels and needed some quality revision time?

 

 

Apparently, they made their escape by catching the ferry over to France. Hopefully it was a rough crossing, so they could hang  up a sign saying, ''if this boat's rocking, don't bother knocking.''

 

A short rope and a long drop...

 

Dirty old bugger: Jeremy Forrest has now been captured by French Police and is currently sitting in a cell in Baguette waiting to be extradited back to the UK. Legal Eagles said he could be back in Blighty in the next week or two - which begs the question that if they can extradite Forrest in such a short space of time then why after 6 years of wrangling and millions of pounds of taxpayers money is the dirty terrorist pig Hamsa still hanging around like a bad smell?

 

 

 

 

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As always, at the end of each blog I try and impart a spot of wisdom onto you all, in the form of my much heralded, ''WISE WORDS.''

 

'The best way to predict your future is to create it'

 

 

 

 

 

''Amazing'' !!!

... I must of heard that particular word used a million times this past couple o' weeks. Overkill you might be thinking? but NO! Not when you use it to describe our 2012 Olympic Games. An Olympic Games that have been universally hailed as the best games in the history of the universe .... EVER !!!



'''And it burns, burns, burns, the rings of fire, the rings of fire''

Now even though you might all consider me a bit of an optimist -  I had my misgivings at the start of the opening ceremony, but once those tall chimneys shot out of the ground I was well and truly hooked. My God, exactly how deep is the basement in that stadium. It's no wonder the total bill to the taxpayer came to £9 billion. Apparently, 2016 hosts; Rio, have decided to scrap their ceremonies because there's no way they can compete against us Brits.

As always, our real athletes did us proud - and as always our £100k a week, pampered, lazy arsed, foul mouthed, egotistical, womanising footballers couldn't handle the pressure and bailed-out when it got too much. Contrast them against lovely young 'Team GB' poster girl; Jessica Ennis, who blitzed her fellow competitors in the Heptathlon despite months of media pressure and hype.

With over two weeks worth of top class sport to watch I'm afraid even leering at Countdown statistician Rachel Riley had to take a backseat. So many great moments made it compulsive viewing. Mo Farrah and his 'mobot', Nicola Adams boxing her way to victory, Chad's dad at the pool, Tom Daley claiming a bronze in the diving, and Usain Bolt proclaiming himself to be a 'living legend.' Now they do say that self praise is no recommendation, but for him, it's true. Why I almost started filling up when I saw anti-English tennis player Andy Murray win gold at Wimbledon and wrap himself in the Union Flag. I guess it's a starting point on his long, long road to rehabilitation and forgiveness after stabbing us all in the back.



    

Two of the funniest moments during the games had to be the Queen pretending to parachute out of the helicopter during the opening ceremony and the other was officials who managed to miss seeing a hammer thrown by the strangely attractive German athlete; Betty Heidler, who as you would expect is built like a brick sh*t-house. As previously mentioned above -  Jess Ennis was under a whole mountain of pressure to perform in her event, but it must of been small fry in comparison to the pressure that officials must of been feeling when a rather annoyed looking Betty loomed into view!  

Luckily it was all quickly smoothed over and the man at the table wasn't grabbed by the ankles and slung over the stadium and into the local canal. 

Yes, our athletes certainly did us proud coming 3rd in the medals table, making it our most successful games in the modern era. In fact if you consider how many people legally live in the UK [60m] to somewhere like China [1.3b] then 'technically' with medals-per-head-of-population we could of won around 1300 medals.

I read somewhere that Gordon Brown almost became sexually aroused thinking about all those gold medals Team GB had won, until he realised that HE only sells gold when the price is at an historical all-time low. Just another good reason why we're over a trillion quid in debt. 

And talking of debt ... and repaying it - The money-grabbing Tories have released the names and photo's [here] of 20 people wanted for ripping off the tax man to the tune of £756 million. Considering that Vodaphone ripped-off the taxpayer for £3 billion and that 'Sir' Phillip Green pays himself just £50k per year and transfered billions worth of assets into his Monaco based wifes' name to avoid paying UK tax - you'd think they'd be right at the top of the list - but No. I guess paying money into the Tory Party coffers guarantees you immunity from prosecution.

Now that is ''amazing'' !!!

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Flaming July !

Being a man who has trained in the jungles of Borneo - hot weather is something a man of my calibre is more than used to, but this last couple of weeks in Blighty have been an absolute scorcher in more ways than one.

The Olympic Torch has be the main focus of attention this month. Have you seen it yet? I managed to see it the other day as it was on my way to the local chiropodists where i was having an ingrown toe nail dug out. Our torch bearer was a young filly [Doris, aged 63] from the Women's Institute, who, when wobbling down the high street was greeted by thousands of onlookers who were going absolutely berserk!! Methinks the same thing will happen when the torch passes through London's various 'inner' suburbs, although they'll be going crazy after mistaking the torch for a giant splif.

''Now, how do you spell the word: twat?''

Now there are two things that really get on my wick these days.

One of them is moronic fools who constantly wander around with a mobile phone/i-pad glued to their hand as though they're expecting a phone call from Her Majesty. These people are serious losers who have no social life or real-life friends and as such deserve to be clubbed over the head and robbed of their latest safety-blanket gizmo.


The other annoying thing is; non-brits muscling-in on OUR Olympic Games. What the hell was Tory snob; Seb Coe thinking, giving the torch to a bunch of tin pot, no-name, talentless Johnny Foreigners??? For Gods sake, next thing we know those skirt wearing jocks will be having a go. Well, just as long as it doesn't go over to Ireland as it'll definitely end up being weighed in for scrap.

The best Olympic story was regarding some silly woman who, whilst on holiday, decided after having the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch last month, to have a tattoo for posterity. Now i do realise that the weaker sex aren't always the sharpest tools in the box, but you'd think she'd check the spelling before the needles came out. Obviously this woman didn't get nominated because of having a high IQ. At least they can't get child birth wrong!

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Wise words from Mr Heckles....

''Choose friends for their looks and enemies for their intelligence''

We've Finally Wimbledone It !!!

Well what a fantastic week it's been for tennis. That young Federer chappy being roared on to victory and the woman with the massive bum winning too. Easily the highlight of Wimbledon week had to be Sheffield tennis player; Jonathan Marray, with his side-kick; Freddie Nielsen winning the mens doubles' title for the first time since 1936. Stirling stuff, as it's always good to see a 'real' Briton doing well.

It's just a shame my favourite player, the ever smiling; Sabine Lisicki didn't make it to the finals. Like most gents i've always been quite fascinated by female tennis players. I'm not sure if it's the way they catch and hold two balls at once, or because they've got highly developed forearms and a very firm grip!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the evenings, with curtains drawn and lights turned off, i've sometimes indulged in one of my guilty pleasures - no,no, not that guilty pleasure! I'm talking about watching; The Only Way Is Essex. A docu-soap about a bunch of mentally stunted, soft southern inbreds, who, despite having no visible means of income manage to while away their pitiful lives just lying on sunbeds, buying fake teeth, drinking Lambrini, waxing, shaving and having boob-jobs - and that's just the blokes.  

I read a story about one of the ahem!...''stars''... of the show who was mugged in central London the other week. The rather aptly named; Joey Essex [ironic, as that's the name of the show] was set upon by some ruffians and a Rolex watch costing £10,000 was ripped from his person. Police say they were unsure as to what he was most upset about - losing an expensive watch or the fact he'd only just learnt how to tell the time!

Kicking The Bucket - Metaphorically And Quite Literally!

I
It's been a funny month or so for famous person deaths. First of all the lovely Donna Summer passed away from lung cancer at the spritely age of 63. Shortly followed by disco legend Robin Gibb who died of cancer complications at the age of 62. Then only t'uther week Brian Hibbard, the lead singer of 80's pop harmony group The Flying Pickets dies from prostate cancer aged 65.

It's always a shame when people that are so well-liked and talented pass away. Even more so when you consider the current crop of karaoke rejects that seem to come and go like a reoccuring case of hemorrhoids!! Still, i guess it's not all bad news.  Alex Salmons number one fan; Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi finally took the hint, curled up and died at his home in Tripoli. I reckon if ever there was a reason why ''You Should be Dancin,'' - that must be it.

I taught the boy everything he knows!

It just goes to show you never know when your number is up and those Pearly Gates are swinging open. All the more reason to make sure that bucket list gets a damn good kicking whenever possible.

Even as someone in their twilight years my own bucket has taken a few hits recently. Global travel, my trip to Moscow and the world famous Bolshoi. A parachute jump was also crossed-off the list some time ago. Okay, so i needed a medical where they did everything except shine a torch up my rectum, but it was a price worth paying and in a rather perverse way i almost enjoyed it... As for the parachute jump, well, lets just say it's not the first time i've been suspended in a harness, and i'm hoping it won't be the last. Ooh Matron!!

If you've been paying attention earlier [ if not - why not? ] you'll know i have my Saga holiday to New York lined up immediately after Christmas. It's a bit of a long shot, but the possibility of seeing Central Park in the snow has always captured my imagination ever since i was a wee slip of a lad. Also, visiting the very beautiful St. Petersburg and the Mariinski Theatre are other items that will hopefully get struck'un off the list in 2012 - fingers crossed. Admittedly, a costly exercise for someone on a meagre state pension and disability allowance, but as they always say ''you can't it with you'' which is technically correct, although Robert Maxwell had a damn good try.

The Church On Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg. Lovely! 

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As always, at the end of each blog i dispense pearls of wisdom to you all in the form of my much sought after: 'wise words'. Keeping with the current theme, i leave you with this nugget of wisdom.

''NOW is the best time to be alive - so don't be bored''

Pulp Fact - Not Fiction.

Even as a military man with years of jungle training, encompassing hand-to-hand combat alongside Japanese ninja's, i still abhor violence of any kind. Well, unless it means seeing an MP get a damn good pasting inside the 'squared circle.'

Oh Yesss. Last week, ex-Cheeky Girl Lothario Lembit Opik thought it'd be a good idea to enter a tag-team wrestling match because he thought it was all staged. The result might be staged, but being throttled by an 18 stone guy certainly isn't. 

Lembit makes his wrestling debut at 02:55 secs.

The thing i find most disturbing about this whole episode is that Opik was previously elected as a Member of Parliament and had to make mildly important-ish decisions [he was a Lib Dem afterall] about the running of the UK. It would seem that Mr Opik, just like most MP's, suffers from a severe lack of judgement as not only did he try and out-wrestle a wrestler, but he also dumped sexy TV weather girl Sian Lloyd for a scrawny Cheeky Girl.

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As always, at the end of each blog i do the honour of imparting a small piece of my wisdom to you all. As many will already testify to: generosity to others has always been my achilles heel.

Today's ''wise words''...

Women are like sparklers - they should always be kept at arms length.

Sexy Grannies And MP's Who Take The Biscuit.

It would seem that British politicians still have little or no will-power when it comes to leaching off the public purse.

The rather large breasted Baroness Warsi has now been accused of fiddling her housing expenses. She calls it, ''an oversight'', but we all know that's just politician speak for; ''oh sht, i've been caught stealing, i'll quickly put it back and we'll forget all about it''.

Anyone else would get the book thrown at them, she'll probably get a promotion and new ministerial car. Yes, in 2012 the Westminster Gravy Train is still working at full throttle.

It's been said the only person ever to enter the Houses of Parliament with honourable intentions was Guy Fawkes. How true. toot! toot!

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Saturday night was Eurovision Night. And like the other 148 million people, i too tuned in to watch - with a chicken curry from the local Chinese takeaway perched on my lap! Being an ex-services man i was obviously rooting for the young lad Engelbert Humperdunk, but also keeping an eye on those sexy little grannies from Russia. Buranovskiye Babushki were so good, they were able to perform their song AND bake some biscuit's at the same time. Now they are what i call 'real women.'   

For me, it's been a hectic week or two. Maybe i should start calling myself Hectic Heckles instead of Herbert?  It's only been a few days since returning from my trip to Moscow, or 'Mockba', as us locals might say. It was blisteringly hot whilst there, which meant me stripping down to my socks/sandals and placing an old knotted hanky on the head.

You'll be pleased to know that all the main sights were covered, even for an old man with a war wound. The only problem i found was the 5* hotel was so luxurious i didn't want to leave it and go sightseeing. It was VERY nice. Piano being played in the bar, 24hr room service, spa and even a little chocolate placed on the bedside table upon a weary guests' return in the evening!!! 

The Bolshoi.

The plan was to spend an evening of culture and refinement at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre, but this didn't happen. No, ........ i spent two evenings of culture and refinement at The Bolshoi. And bloody nice it was too! I also managed a trip to another theatre just up the street to see a show. And that too was a grande affair.

The Mariinsky.

The only problem is -  now i'm two minds whether to go back again or visit St Petersburg and the equally world famous Mariinsky Theatre?? It all comes at a price though. Maybe i'll just fiddle my housing/disability benefit and pension? If i get caught out i can just say it was ''an oversight''. It seems to work for everyone else.