That's a weight off my mind..

After a lot of straining, puffing and panting I've finally managed to empty my back passage! ....Tshh no, not that kind of back passage, you filthy blighters. It's that time of year when Mr H gives the homestead a good spring clean and throws out all that unwanted clutter and jumble. Why even the bedsheets got a good wash.... and they weren't even scheduled to be scrubbed until August. I think I might of become one of those TCP types, you know, where everything has to be super-duper clean.

As you know, I'm not a huge fan of the tellybox, much preferring a good book, but the other day I decided it might be quite nice to watch an episode of Eastenders - or was it because I was too damn lazy to get up for the remote? Anyway..... the last time I witnessed that much cobblers was when Gordon Brown promised, ''British jobs for British workers.'' In the space of 30 minutes I saw...

A ginger bloke wandering around covered in bruises. [Being London, it was probably a gang related drug deal gone wrong].
Another person got smacked in the mouth.
Another person caught cancer.
Another person got a marriage proposal.
And a really hot, nubile girl claimed undying love for a middle aged, chubby Postman. [Yeah, cos that always happens in real life..]

Not to mention all the constant screaming and shouting throughout the soap show.

My god, I know it's rough in London, but surely it ain't that bad. I remember back in the olden days when we had proper telly. None of this shouting rubbish at each other nonsense. Now then, Emmerdale Farm was far more interesting. Nobody had affairs, got beaten up or got cancer. It focused on real issues like; lambing season, sheep shearing, Mat & Dolly and of course Mr Wilks and Amos Brearly down at t' Woolpack quietly smoking their pipes - and all without a smutty joke or homosexual in sight. Them were the days, them were.... them were the days. 

Untermensch!

Well, well. After 8 years in the gilded hot-seat, one of the most uncharismatic persons alive has finally decided to quit. Yup, Commandant Benedict Ratzinger, has resigned, sighting old age and ill health - or maybe he just looked in the mirror and didn't like what he saw?

 

Never before has one man done so much to deflect, hide and cover up a global child sex offenders network stretching back many decades. That's thousands and thousands of children all around the globe repeatedly raped and abused [with many committing suicide as a result] and the Hitler Youth Pontiff did next to nothing to stop it happening or bring the perverts to justice. Those who were judged by him and his cronies of committing offences were moved to different parishes [to no doubt start praying on a new flock] and the victims were instructed to keep their mouths firmly shut.

 

 

 

It's my understanding that people who have knowledge of crimes and do nothing, or try to conceal evidence are clearly guilty of aiding and abetting, and as such are liable for prosecution. Unfortunately for us decent folk, when a paedophiles best friend happens to be the head of a cult with 1 billion followers [about the same amount as the audience for The Eurovision Song Contest] you can get away with absolutely anything.

 

Why Heir Flick wasn't immediately arrested when he stepped foot on British soil in 2010 is anyone's guess. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that UK politicians were scared he'd drop them in it, as there are plenty of allegations bubbling about paedophile sex rings in Westminster. And don't even get me started on why he forbid people in HIV ravaged Africa to wear condoms or the fact that women who are raped are banned from getting abortions in S**thern Irel**d.

Yes, this git is a real danger to public health on every level. When he dies - he will answer to God for his crimes against humanity, which is just as well because no-one has the balls to do it while he's alive.

 

 Amen!

 

Where's It All Gone?

 

We all know that time passes faster the older you get, that's very fast for me, but I'm quite shocked that 2012 has flown by already and 2013 is now doing the same. Can you believe there's only 338 days till Christmas?! It's gone so fast I couldn't even find the time to do my yearly round-up of what's been happening around the globe and which politicians were the biggest thieves.

 

All in all, it was a good year, I think. Especially as my hemorrhoids got sorted out once and for all and the old war wound to that bullet grazed testicle, sustained against the Bosch has been quiet of late! Anyway..... 2012 saw many highlights for the people of Blighty.

Who can forget our hosting of the best ever Olympic Games. How they managed to get the Queen to skydive out of that helicopter I'll never know. Personally, I think it was fake, because Liz simply wouldn't of had enough time to get into her seat for the opening ceremony.

 

'Pasty Gate' and 'Pleb Gate' were other corkers. Starbucks defrauding the taxpayer, along with dozens of other high street businesses, not to mention various celebrities like Jimmy Carr and Gary 'boring' Barlow. Tax breaks being given to the richest people in society, whilst everyone else had to tighten their belts another notch.

 

2012 also saw the release of a couple of new movies - blue movies, to be precise. And pretty pathetic they were too. Hulk Hogan pulled off a few moves on some botox'd cougar whilst a chavette judge from Z-Factor proved she has zero talent in all departments. The filthy buggers!!

 

 

 

Other things of a royal 'nature' were the Queen's Jubilee to celebrate her 60 years on the throne, which is a feat in itself - I once spent 2 long hours on the throne due to a slightly iffy chicken curry purchased from the local Chinese takeaway. Also the super-lovely, everybody's-favourite-couple; Kate and Wills announced the forthcoming pitter-patter of tiny feet. Although to be fair I was kind of annoyed at first, as this now completely rules out any chances of Kate and I getting it together. Still, there's always Pippa :) 

 

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2012 has been a great year for Mr Heckles - probably one of the best. After making a few resolutions at the start of the year, things motored along swimmingly. Even for a pensioner, life can be stressful, so I decided to eliminate as much of it as possible, strike things off my to-do list, spend less time on the interweb and try to get out-and-about with the local Darby and Joan Club. Simple things I know, but sometimes they're the most rewarding.

 

As a result, just the other day I was trying to pick out my own highlights of 2012. It took a while, although that might of been due in no small part to the early stages of Alzheimer's!

 

 

 

In 2012 the best book I've possibly ever read came my way. Last Man In Tower by Aravind Adiga was quite litterally, brilliant. A common tale of the world we live in. A world where money and possesions are put before happiness and well-being. And a world where people who purport friendship can sometimes be the first in line to stab you in the back! Serious stuff, but expertly written.

 

In May - Hobbling [walking stick in hand] across the cobbles of Moscow's Red Square, seeing the vibrant colours of St Basil's Cathedral and spending a couple of evenings feeding my passion for the arts at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre were, as you'd probably agree, all at the top of the list.... until October. The sale of an old mobility scooter meant monies were freed up for a few days sightseeing in London and a jolly good time was had. The final evening was crowned by what can only be universally described as: The greatest performance of Swan Lake - ever!! 

 

In 2012 I'd been lucky enough to rack-up a total of 8 trips to the theatre with 3 of them being for Swan Lake - the ultimate love story. Yes I know, I'm just a big softy under this hard, rugged, macho, wrinkled exterior. Ahem, anyway..... back to the story. Right...okay. This was something special, something I'd been waiting to see for many years. World Number 1, Marianela Nunez playing the role of: Odile/Odette at The Royal Opera House here in London. More often than not, people or things you really wish for rarely live up to expectations, but this far exceeded anything I could of hoped for, x10. It was soo good I almost wished I hadn't seen it, because I quickly realised it's now doubtful that I'll ever see a performance delivered with such power, perfection and passion ever again.

 

 But that doesn't mean I won't keep trying in 2013 :)

 

Simply the best. Bravo!!!

 

 

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E-Quality Street.

 

 

Even though Christmas has just passed, the Quality Street scoffed, you'd think the weaker sex would be happy for once in their lives. Well it would seem not! For yonks, women have been moaning about equal rights, and a soon as the E.U says the insurance companies must charge women the same rates as the men [who are much better drivers] they start complaining. British women should thank their lucky stars they've got it so cushy. Over there in India they throw their women under the bus - and no, that's not a euphemism for something else!

A Woman's Guide To Car Driving.

 

Get in car.

Close door.

Adjust seat.

Adjust mirrors.

Check hair.

Check make-up.

Check mobile phone.

Fasten seat belt.

Re-check make-up.

Re-check hair.

Start car.

Select 1st gear.

Drive away.

Select 2nd gear.

Release handbrake!

 

Agony Uncle.

 

Dear Agony Uncle.

Last Wednesday I left for work at the usual time with briefcase [containing ham salad and a strawberry yoghurt ] in hand. I had just turned left onto the High Street when the car came to a juddering halt. No matter what I tried it wouldn't start and a passerby suggested it may be a fuel blockage. Anyway, we pushed it onto the verge to free up the traffic flow and then I walked up the hill to go back home. My wife obviously wasn't expecting me as, when I stepped through the back door into the kitchen, I was horrified to hear noises of 'lusting passion' coming from the lounge. The door was slightly ajar so I took a deep breath and peeked inside. There was my wife, naked as a Jaybird, locked in a passionate embrace with the young, good looking, tattoo covered body-builder from next door. What am I to do?

Yours with the utmost discretion,

Mr. P


Dear Brian Pettigrew.

I have given this matter a great deal of thought. Fuel flow issues are quite common nowadays so I suggest you check the fuel line and carburettor for debris first. If these are clear I suggest you take it to a garage then start using an 'in tank fuel injector cleaner' to avoid it happening again.

Yours faithfully,

Agony Uncle.

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As always, at the end of each enthralling blog I try and impart a small nugget of wisdom on those of you less intellectually gifted than myself.

 

''The problem with people who mean everything they say is; they believe others do the same.''

 

 

 

 



Ups and downs, and political clowns.

Not only has it been a busy old week for me, but also for that wooden clog wearing Felix Baumgartner, who skydived from a height of 24 miles! Apparently, just before he jumped from his little capsule he shouted ''I can see my house from here!'' 

 

 During his freefall, Felix reached speeds of around 820mph, which by a strange coincidence is exactly the same speed a British M.P hits whilst putting in a claim for expenses. Shortly after parachuting back down to terrafirma, Mr Baumgartner held a press conference for the waiting ....err.... press. Felix said that during his descent, he was ''spinning perilously out of control, drifting in and out of conciousness and wasn't sure if he'd survive.'' I guess now he knows what it's like to be David Cameron!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's been reported that government borrowing is still increasing despite all the austerity measures, or what normal people would call cut-backs, implemented by the Nasty Party. Now personally, I can't see where they're going wrong....

 

1.They've slashed the welfare budget by billions, hitting hard the most vulnerable in society. Home Helps cut. Day Care Centres for handicapped people - closed....etc

 

2. They've stood back whilst: gas, electric, water rates, fuel, food and consumables have gone through the roof, whilst ordinary workers pay has been frozen or slashed to the bone [that's if they're lucky enough to still have a job].

  

3. Multinational companies have been let-off paying mega billions owed in tax arrears - that's if they actually pay any tax at all, like: Starbucks, Next, Boots, Amazon - to name just a few.

 

4. They've handed contracts worth billions to foreign companies whilst putting our own workforce on the dole - even though our products were of a superior quality and offered better value for money.

5. They've handed over taxpayers money to fund Syrian ''rebels'' only to now realise what we all knew from the very start of the conflict - that the so-called ''rebels'' are infact hardline islamic terrorists trying to overthrow a legitimate government by starting another jihad. 

 

6. And they've even given a tax-cut to the richest people in the country! ..... and we're still up to our necks in it. Maybe it's time the poor should start thinking about tightening their belts again?? 

 

 

*******************

 

Last week, Aaron Cawley found himself getting 14 weeks banged-up in the 'Big Hooose' as Jim McDonald always called it. Yes, whilst 'mullered' during a football match, he ran onto the pitch and slapped the young, strapping, 6ft 3in Sheffield goalkeeper who, as you'd expect, immediately crashed to the floor as though a grand piano had been pushed from Felix Baumgartner's hot air balloon and landed on his noggin.

14 weeks in jail for this.



 Now, contrast that sentence with the one handed out to the career criminal who ripped the walking crutches from Angus Wittall, aged 15 - and proceeded to beat him half to death with those crutches leaving him bleeding as he lay on the floor at local park in Northamptonshire. The 'powers that be' decided his attacker needed no more than a warning!!!

Just a 'warning' for his attacker!

 

So, that's 14 weeks in jail for slapping a 100k a week footballer - versus a ticking-off for beating someone half to death. A cynical person might say the law in this country is only here to protect the rich and famous in society..... I couldn't possibly pass comment. 

 

!?*&$$$!!!

 

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As per usual, at the end of each rant .... or erm... blog, I bestow on you all a spot of much needed wisdom, in my universally trumpeted  'Wise Words.' 

 

''Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.''

Spaseeba!

 



Lolita La Vida Loca !!

 

Megan Stammers -
 Not any more she doesn't!
 

Well the Daily Mail readers have been going into overdrive this past week as a teenage Lolita and her 30 year old maths teacher have eloped to France, and all because ''we want to be togetherrrr.'' The only thing I find disgusting about the story is - as though these teachers don't get enough bloody holidays already. Now they're having jaunts to France with free bump-n-grind with pupils thrown in to boot! Now I'm all in favour of one-on-one tuition but this is taking things a bit too far. Maybe they were preparing for an oral exam or maybe A-levels and needed some quality revision time?

 

 

Apparently, they made their escape by catching the ferry over to France. Hopefully it was a rough crossing, so they could hang  up a sign saying, ''if this boat's rocking, don't bother knocking.''

 

A short rope and a long drop...

 

Dirty old bugger: Jeremy Forrest has now been captured by French Police and is currently sitting in a cell in Baguette waiting to be extradited back to the UK. Legal Eagles said he could be back in Blighty in the next week or two - which begs the question that if they can extradite Forrest in such a short space of time then why after 6 years of wrangling and millions of pounds of taxpayers money is the dirty terrorist pig Hamsa still hanging around like a bad smell?

 

 

 

 

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As always, at the end of each blog I try and impart a spot of wisdom onto you all, in the form of my much heralded, ''WISE WORDS.''

 

'The best way to predict your future is to create it'

 

 

 

 

 

''Amazing'' !!!

... I must of heard that particular word used a million times this past couple o' weeks. Overkill you might be thinking? but NO! Not when you use it to describe our 2012 Olympic Games. An Olympic Games that have been universally hailed as the best games in the history of the universe .... EVER !!!



'''And it burns, burns, burns, the rings of fire, the rings of fire''

Now even though you might all consider me a bit of an optimist -  I had my misgivings at the start of the opening ceremony, but once those tall chimneys shot out of the ground I was well and truly hooked. My God, exactly how deep is the basement in that stadium. It's no wonder the total bill to the taxpayer came to £9 billion. Apparently, 2016 hosts; Rio, have decided to scrap their ceremonies because there's no way they can compete against us Brits.

As always, our real athletes did us proud - and as always our £100k a week, pampered, lazy arsed, foul mouthed, egotistical, womanising footballers couldn't handle the pressure and bailed-out when it got too much. Contrast them against lovely young 'Team GB' poster girl; Jessica Ennis, who blitzed her fellow competitors in the Heptathlon despite months of media pressure and hype.

With over two weeks worth of top class sport to watch I'm afraid even leering at Countdown statistician Rachel Riley had to take a backseat. So many great moments made it compulsive viewing. Mo Farrah and his 'mobot', Nicola Adams boxing her way to victory, Chad's dad at the pool, Tom Daley claiming a bronze in the diving, and Usain Bolt proclaiming himself to be a 'living legend.' Now they do say that self praise is no recommendation, but for him, it's true. Why I almost started filling up when I saw anti-English tennis player Andy Murray win gold at Wimbledon and wrap himself in the Union Flag. I guess it's a starting point on his long, long road to rehabilitation and forgiveness after stabbing us all in the back.



    

Two of the funniest moments during the games had to be the Queen pretending to parachute out of the helicopter during the opening ceremony and the other was officials who managed to miss seeing a hammer thrown by the strangely attractive German athlete; Betty Heidler, who as you would expect is built like a brick sh*t-house. As previously mentioned above -  Jess Ennis was under a whole mountain of pressure to perform in her event, but it must of been small fry in comparison to the pressure that officials must of been feeling when a rather annoyed looking Betty loomed into view!  

Luckily it was all quickly smoothed over and the man at the table wasn't grabbed by the ankles and slung over the stadium and into the local canal. 

Yes, our athletes certainly did us proud coming 3rd in the medals table, making it our most successful games in the modern era. In fact if you consider how many people legally live in the UK [60m] to somewhere like China [1.3b] then 'technically' with medals-per-head-of-population we could of won around 1300 medals.

I read somewhere that Gordon Brown almost became sexually aroused thinking about all those gold medals Team GB had won, until he realised that HE only sells gold when the price is at an historical all-time low. Just another good reason why we're over a trillion quid in debt. 

And talking of debt ... and repaying it - The money-grabbing Tories have released the names and photo's [here] of 20 people wanted for ripping off the tax man to the tune of £756 million. Considering that Vodaphone ripped-off the taxpayer for £3 billion and that 'Sir' Phillip Green pays himself just £50k per year and transfered billions worth of assets into his Monaco based wifes' name to avoid paying UK tax - you'd think they'd be right at the top of the list - but No. I guess paying money into the Tory Party coffers guarantees you immunity from prosecution.

Now that is ''amazing'' !!!

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Flaming July !

Being a man who has trained in the jungles of Borneo - hot weather is something a man of my calibre is more than used to, but this last couple of weeks in Blighty have been an absolute scorcher in more ways than one.

The Olympic Torch has be the main focus of attention this month. Have you seen it yet? I managed to see it the other day as it was on my way to the local chiropodists where i was having an ingrown toe nail dug out. Our torch bearer was a young filly [Doris, aged 63] from the Women's Institute, who, when wobbling down the high street was greeted by thousands of onlookers who were going absolutely berserk!! Methinks the same thing will happen when the torch passes through London's various 'inner' suburbs, although they'll be going crazy after mistaking the torch for a giant splif.

''Now, how do you spell the word: twat?''

Now there are two things that really get on my wick these days.

One of them is moronic fools who constantly wander around with a mobile phone/i-pad glued to their hand as though they're expecting a phone call from Her Majesty. These people are serious losers who have no social life or real-life friends and as such deserve to be clubbed over the head and robbed of their latest safety-blanket gizmo.


The other annoying thing is; non-brits muscling-in on OUR Olympic Games. What the hell was Tory snob; Seb Coe thinking, giving the torch to a bunch of tin pot, no-name, talentless Johnny Foreigners??? For Gods sake, next thing we know those skirt wearing jocks will be having a go. Well, just as long as it doesn't go over to Ireland as it'll definitely end up being weighed in for scrap.

The best Olympic story was regarding some silly woman who, whilst on holiday, decided after having the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch last month, to have a tattoo for posterity. Now i do realise that the weaker sex aren't always the sharpest tools in the box, but you'd think she'd check the spelling before the needles came out. Obviously this woman didn't get nominated because of having a high IQ. At least they can't get child birth wrong!

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Wise words from Mr Heckles....

''Choose friends for their looks and enemies for their intelligence''

We've Finally Wimbledone It !!!

Well what a fantastic week it's been for tennis. That young Federer chappy being roared on to victory and the woman with the massive bum winning too. Easily the highlight of Wimbledon week had to be Sheffield tennis player; Jonathan Marray, with his side-kick; Freddie Nielsen winning the mens doubles' title for the first time since 1936. Stirling stuff, as it's always good to see a 'real' Briton doing well.

It's just a shame my favourite player, the ever smiling; Sabine Lisicki didn't make it to the finals. Like most gents i've always been quite fascinated by female tennis players. I'm not sure if it's the way they catch and hold two balls at once, or because they've got highly developed forearms and a very firm grip!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the evenings, with curtains drawn and lights turned off, i've sometimes indulged in one of my guilty pleasures - no,no, not that guilty pleasure! I'm talking about watching; The Only Way Is Essex. A docu-soap about a bunch of mentally stunted, soft southern inbreds, who, despite having no visible means of income manage to while away their pitiful lives just lying on sunbeds, buying fake teeth, drinking Lambrini, waxing, shaving and having boob-jobs - and that's just the blokes.  

I read a story about one of the ahem!...''stars''... of the show who was mugged in central London the other week. The rather aptly named; Joey Essex [ironic, as that's the name of the show] was set upon by some ruffians and a Rolex watch costing £10,000 was ripped from his person. Police say they were unsure as to what he was most upset about - losing an expensive watch or the fact he'd only just learnt how to tell the time!