Scumbag footballers?

I picked up an old newspaper the other day and was shocked by the front page headline, it read; ''Premiership footballer has sex with his own wife.'' I ask you, what is the world coming to? It seems that every time you read a newspaper there's yet another story about greedy scumbag footballers playing away [i suppose it beats reading about greedy scumbag politicians or Z-factor dross]. Last week some footballer called Ryan Giggs [who?] was outed on loser social networking site Twitter as having a seedy fling with some foreign piece of totty! It's reported that Mr Giggs is extremely nervous and agitated about his marriage being well and truly on the rocks especially as Chelsea player John Terry has started popping round for cups of sugar!

At one time i used to be an avid football fan, but like lots of people, i've fallen out of love with 'the beautiful game.' Money seems to be the only thing players are really interested in these days. Well, that and getting their team mate's wife up the duff or filming themselves wearing white grandad pants. Eugh! How can wet-nosed, lazy players justify earning £100,000 a week when soldiers and nurses are lucky to clear £400. Even though the game seems to be rife with money, sex and greed i stumbled across a newspaper article the other day which restored some of my faith in that not all footballers are pure scum. It read as follows:


DERBY County legend Igor Stimac drove 100 miles to visit a sick Rams fans after hearing he was in hospital in his native Croatia.The football legend responded to a plea by the son of pensioner John Foster, who was desperately worried after hearing his father had taken ill while on holiday.

John, 74, had been on a coach trip around Europe with wife Pearl. The couple's son Mark was frantic with worry so decided to contact the only Croatian person he knew of - the former centre-half Igor. He telephoned Derby County, who sent an email to him and the kind-hearted former player - who now lives back in Croatia - responded. He made the 100 mile trip to visit John - a Pride Park ticket holder - in hospital and liaised with the British Embassy on his behalf.

Igor said he wanted to help after remembering ''how wonderful'' Derby County fans had been to him. ''I felt it was very important because i will never forget how wonderful all the fans were when i was a Derby and how many times they travelled to support us.''

Mark said he was stunned when he heard Igor had visited his dad.
He said: '' i emailed the club saying my parents were having a rough time in Croatia, which was no-one's fault. I asked if my message could be forwarded to Igor and whether there was any chance a get well message could be sent. That's all i expected, but on Friday he turned up at the hospital with his 21 year old son!!'' 

 Mr Stimac. 

Wealthy, caring, handsome, looks great in a suit....

What a complete b*stard!

The American Dream...

Well, it only took about two weeks in the 'land of the free' for B&Q toothed Cheryl Cole to get her P45. I'm surprised it took that long, but then i guess that doesn't say much about the standard of British TV and it's moggadon viewers, because the talentless, anorexic, incoherent northerner has been plastered over our screens for god knows how many years. It's a bit of a shame really. I was hoping by her being in the U.S and A it would mean a nice long break from her annoying adverts, her annoying face... and her even more annoying accent. I know a man should never hit a woman but surely there must exceptions to the rule???

You can take the scum out of the slum, but you can't take the slum out of the scum!

Anyway... sadly for us, it won't be long now before the fame hungry rat is back in the U.K. Cole's agents have finally given up on her ''music'' career as she's proved time and time again she can't sing or dance, and they are now looking for another vehicle to showcase her talents. May i suggest a hearse?

Declining standards of today.

As you are all aware, Mr Heckles is indeed a man of good taste, style and sophistication whilst cutting a debonair, Nigel Havers-esqe swaithe through all that is wrong in the world today. But nothing gets me all riled up like them there ''scruffy buggers'' ... well, apart from that talentless thug; Cheryl Cole.

Yes, whilst flicking [yes, i did say FL-icking]  through some old photos t'uther night it dawned on me how people's dress sense seems to of disappeared over the past few decades. My old Polaroid pictures of family and friends on trips to the coast all had something in common, they were all wearing collared shirts and trousers even in the height of summer. And very smart we were too! Contrast that with you slovenly, unwashed folks of today. Most of you people, regardless of where you might be, walk around looking like you've spent the night on a park bench or gotten dressed after waking up in a burning house!!!



The good olde days

 Yes indeed. No scruffy types back then you know. Everyone was well turned out, keeping up the standards. It's the kind of stuff that made the Empire so great. Why even on a recent night out at the theatre i was horrified to see people wearing .... wait for it.......jeans.... and trainers, God dammit! Have YOU people have no shame? If you can't get spruced for a night on the tiles then exactly what can you spruced up for?? Where will it all end?

                                                  fashion tips for scruffy buggers of today

Where's Maddy?

Well its been 4 years since toddler Madeline McCann was kidnapped from a hotel room in the stuck-up Portuguese Eldorado holiday resort of Praia De Luz. So that's 4 years of tears, puffy eyes, pain, torture and misery! .... [and that's just what the general public have had to endure]. 4 years of hand wringing. 4 years of an insipid media campaign. 4 years of never owning up to the fact that because the McCann clan put going out on the lash with their toffee nosed rich friends before their own flesh and blood they are now minus one kid.





4 years of double standards whilst Social Services spinelessly look the other way whilst a child is abducted due to it's brain dead parents negligence. We all know that if this had of happened to Tracey and Kev from the local sink estate they would of been hammered by the national press and found themselves in handcuffs once on UK terrafirma. I guess when you have friends in high places, your own personal spokesperson and have plenty of wonga in the bank then you can pretty much get away with anything. Lets not forget that they also left their other two babies alone in that hotel room. Now i ask you, what kind of parents would not only leave a toddler alone whilst going for a knee's up, but also two small babies?

So now the media freak show/gravy train has started all over again. There's a new batch of interviews and book to keep the McCann brand alive and kicking [no pun intended]. Private detectives have earned themselves a small fortune travelling all over the globe in the hunt for the mysterious abductor of Madeline, yet the real culprits are sitting in their posh house just north of Leicester!!!

So what about the next 4 years then? Maybe a Hollywood movie, a stage play or musical perhaps? Whatever happens i just hope that if Madeline McCann is still alive her ''new'' parents do a better job looking after her than the old ones ever did.

The trouble with women is.....

It would seem the world has gone stark raving bonkers. It's times like these a lone voice in the wilderness like that of Monsieur Heckles comes as a welcome tonic. Apparently two football pundits have been sacked for a spot of genteel ribbing of some female linesman!! Such was the outcry that thousands of people complained, something that i find very hard to believe as looking at the Sky TV viewing figures i doubt if they have more than one man and his dog watching half the time. Here at Casa Heckles it's banned, won't have it in the house i tell ya. I pay my TV licence [well maybe not... i'm a pensioner ha!] i don't see why i should pay twice for their dross and drivell.

Now, me being of a more mature age you'd think i'd be all against women participating in male dominated sports, but i don't. ''Equal opportunities for all'' is what i say. Linesman Sian Massey should be allowed to carry on officiating at football matches.... just as long as she's done all her housework and not neglected to make hubby's dinner first. It's all about priorities you see.

Seriously tho, the best place for a woman is in the home, out of harms way, preferably in the kitchen washing pots and doing some baking. Margaret Thatcher is a classic example of what happens when a mere woman burns her bra and gets ideas well above her station. Just look at what she did to the miners [closed all the pits so we could import our coal from Brazil]. Look at what she did to the heavy industries of the north [closed them all down so we could import everything from China]. Even after 20-30 years we still haven't recovered from her menopausal  policies. Everyone [i talk to] agrees that 'that woman' did more damage to the manufacturing output of this country than Adolf Hitler during the blitz! Need i say more?

Anyway.... as you're all aware my meagre state/war pension doesn't go far these days so i've decided to head off to get some sun on the olde shredded wheat. I'm a positive, happy-go-luck kind of chap but the constant talking about this double dip recession is really screwing up the alignment of me chakras!!

Always one to spot a bargain, i noticed a 2 week, all you can eat, break in Sharm El Sheik for £180, cheap at half the price if you ask me. Okay it may be a tad noisey at the moment but [being an ex military man] it takes a lot to phase an individual like myself. Although just in case i get trampled to death by a rioting camel outside the Taja Sevelle, i'd like to take this opportunity to wish all of my FOUR readers a happy 2011.....2012...



The New World Order [ according to Mr. H ]

I remember reading the recent findings of a survey that stated that 25% of the general public contributed absolutely nothing to the UK economy. Well it's a good job they didn't survey MP's as we all know they're a bunch of lazy, thieving, self-serving parasites. Anyway... i thought 25% was a tad on the high side until a recent trip to that armpit of the Fens: Peterborough. I've never seen so many dossers and vagrants in my entire life, and i've been to Nottingham and Coventry!!!!!

This got me thinking [dangerous i know] there are just too many people in this world clogging up the roads, blocking pavements, using up earth's natural resources and certainly far too many flaming people queing up at the local Post Office especially when i'm trying to draw my pittance of a state pension. What's needed is a cull. Maybe something along the same lines as that 80's futuristic TV series: Hogan's Run. Now as always there'll be some people who'll complain about it being a bad idea, there's always one moaner isn't there? But instead of getting rid of all us old people [many a good tune and all that], why not just get shot of all the annoying people. Surely it's a win win situation all round.

Maybe we could put them inside a giant cannon and fire them into outer space. Obviously, to comply with health and safety regs they'd be wearing a hi-viz vest, toe-tectors and be given a cheese sandwich and a can of  7Up [apparently it's the chosen drink of astronauts, lol]. Maybe they could be forced to listen to Cheryl [the binge drinking thug] Cole rape her latest song. Surely death would come as a welcome release from that kind of torture? The types of irritating people heading for them pearly white gates would include...

Men who wear leather jackets. [they went out of fashion 20 years ago pal].

Women who wear grey leggings [mainly because cos they're too fat to wear a skirt].

A Question Of Sport viewers [what a croque of...].

Most women drivers [always concentrating too hard to be polite].

People who complain for the sake of it [life's too short for whingers].

Rover car drivers [always expect the unexpected from these doddering fools].

City *ankers [get rich quick merchants who leave the poorest to pick up the tab].

People who wear sunglasses in winter [who do you think you are, Tom Cruise?].

Anyone who's been in front of me in a traffic jam!!!!

Anyone who's been behind me in a trafic jam!!!!

People who support a successful football team even though they have no connection with that club or it's city.

Anyone who's auditioned for X factor [chav TV for brain dead moggadons].

Tesco shoppers [in a nutshell- the lowest of the low].

People who insist on sitting outside Costa Coffee on a wet/windy day whilst trying to pretend they're at some Italian piazza ''people watching.''

People who eat at McDowell's [junk food, high cholesterol and diabetes are not substitutes for love].

People who drop litter [do you drop litter in your own home? No. Didn't think so!].

Slow 'heads-up' swimmers [if you're that scared of getting your hair wet then shave it off or stay out of the pool].

Southerners [most have never done a hard days work in their lives. It would probably kill them].

Computer geeks [nobody likes a show-off].

Inconsiderate plebs who spend 20 minutes tapping away at a cash point just to draw out a tenner.

 infamous wasters heading for the chop would be:

Peter Sutcliffe [what a stupid haircut].

Cheryl Cole [beats up a black toilet attendant whilst out of her face on Bacardi Breezers then quickly marries a useless womanising black footballer to save her 'singing' career and stop people calling her a racist who was recently forced to admit she wore hair extensions whilst doing adverts for hair care products].

Ian Huntley & Maxine Carr [waste of carbon].

Gordon Brown [he's Scottish. eugh!!].

Scottish people [they're always on benefits and drinking meths or LPG].

Danny Dyer [cos he thinks he's a right 'ole proper cockney geezaah!].

Do-gooder Shami Chakrabati [always standing up for the rights of terrorists and spongers].

Now obviously these are just a few annoying types that have sprung to mind but i think you'll agree that by getting shot of the low-lifes above would enhance the lives of decent hardworking folk. The full list of worthless cretins can be found in any copy of Heat Magazine and the NOTW.

Proper music....

.... that you can sing and boogie to. [ RIP Bobby Farrell ]

It's the season of goodwill.

It never ceases to amaze me how much crap people are prepared to buy at Christmas time. If it's not overloaded shopping trolleys filled with umpteen presents for spoilt ungrateful brattish children or alcohol, saturated fats and E-numbers to the point of needing a HGV licence to push it, then it's the cretins that crawl out from the woodwork in the hope of finding a cheap piece of  'tat' in the sales.

As you are all aware, i'm an effervescent, cultured, well mannered, 24 carat chap who can not only cook authentic dishes '' from scratch '' but is someone who has been likened many a time to that debonair pinnacle of class and sophistication; Nigel Havers. As such, i resist all temptation to venture out during the sales and rub shoulders with the hoi-poloi, until today. Needs must you see......

Being a delicate soul means i'm not a fan of large crowds as most people these days are extremely lacking in life's basics, such as; manners and common courtesy. Even more so when the opportunity of a non-existent bargain is on the horizon. Notice that i used the word 'non-existent'. That's because last week i decided to price up a few items for Casa Heckles, you know, spruce the homestead up a little and bag a cheeky bargain or three [a state pension doesn't go far these days i'll have you know]. Anyway.... upon fighting my way through today's riff-raff, a couple of things hit my senses like a bolt out of the blue.

[1] That there were NO real bargains to be had. In fact some of the stuff had actually gone UP in price, despite all the banners screaming 'prices slashed' and 'beat the VAT rise in Jan'. How i giggled as those poor deluded fools fought over the 'bargains' like vultures picking at the sun ripened flesh of a rotting carcass half crushed on the highway to hell [or Coventry].

[2] Instead of these highly annoying people wasting time ohh-ing & ahh-ing over which plasma tv to buy why didn't they walk across the street and pop into Boots to purchase a bar of soap and some toothpaste because so many shoppers i had to push past needed a damn good scrub. At best, one woman smelt like the stale jock strap of a South African rugby player ... ahem......so i've been told. I guess it says something about society when a person would rather pay £500 for a telly than a measly £5 for soap, deodorant and some 'intimate' hygiene products. Filthy bugger.

 Stay clean and smell nice, and somebody out there will like you - eventually!

Proper music....

...not like the rackett they play nowadays

Nominations are flooding in...

... for the most prestigious awards ceremony of 2010. Yes, it's nearly time for the 'Cock Of The year Award'. This year has seen an veritable avalanche of shite-hawks and scumbags. Thieving politicians, deluded micro celebs and Joe Public non-entities have been pulling out all the stops to prove their worthiness of such a coveted award. In no particular order, the front runners include...


Cheryl [the convicted drunken thug] Cole.
Nick [sells his own mother to get into power] Clogg.
Gordon [who says the Scots don't have a sense of humour] Brown.
Colleen [i've got an annoying accent and husband] Rooney.
John [i sleep with my team-mates missus, and get her pregnant] Terry.

Other contenders are:

Serial fainter Gillian Mckeith, that annoying bloke from Ryan Air, Katie Price and anyone who had the brass neck to appear on the pretentious clap-trap docu-soap 'The Only Way Is Essex.'  Stay tuned for the results!