The Lottery Of Life.

I examined myself last night! No, not like that, i'd need a mirror if i did. I'm talking in a sort of metaphorical sense. I'll explain, 'cough.'

Whilst doing my weekly shop on Wednesday i decided to buy a Lotto ticket for that evenings draw. Normally i don't bother, as luck and good fortune only happen to other less deserving people and besides, the woman who works in the Asda kiosk is a reet miserable bugger [and you know how much i hate whingers] and therefore try to avoid her like the plague. Her resemblance in looks and charisma to that of Madge from TV show 'Benidorm' is scaringly uncanny!!

Anyway..... due to various appointments and having to attend my local health clinic to get an abscess drained it was late Thursday night before i managed to get the time to check my 'lucky' numbers. Now i know it's shaky ground to be on but the jackpot lolly had already been mentally spent, well, everyone does it. A new hip, a Stannah stair lift, some pectoral implants [don't ask] or a full size pool table that i'd promised myself, that was before the old combi boiler went belly up t'uther year [those few that are paying attention will remember my blog/rant about it]. So what did i end up winning? Yup... diddley-squat... again. Dammit, i could almost taste that spanking new static caravan at Chapel St Leonards ! 
 

At this point i decided to call it a night, in a quit-while-your-behind sort of way. So, on went the kettle for my customary bedtime Horlicks whilst i cruised the the TV channels for one last time, and hit the jackpot. A BBC4 documentary called 'On The Streets' about homeless people in London had just that minute started. Best bit of TV i've seen since Wendi Murdoch bitch-slapped that flan-man infront of the Commons Select Committee. That's my kinda woman :)
 
The next 90 minutes was fascinating viewing. I've seen lots of documentaries about homelessness but this must be the best. One woman filming a small group of people over 18 months or so, recording their thoughts and dilemma's. What did surprise me was the amount of foreign types who were sleeping rough. Poles, Canadians... allsorts really. One of the many things that's always interested me about sleeping rough [apart from the fact i've done it myself in the distant past] is the fact that we could all find ourselves living on the streets if things start to go pear shaped and also the reasons why people find themselves in that predicament to start with. Divorce, unemployment, sexual/physical abuse and plain old bad luck are all valid reasons why 'normal' people find themselves living in a shop doorway being urinated on. 
 
One of the subjects of the documentary had a particularly nasty tale of woe. Jean, a woman probably 20 years younger than she looked, withered by wind, rain, illegal substances and cheap cider, commented that she was first raped by 4 men as a young girl and had since been repeatedly raped throughout her life to the point that the only time she ever felt anything was whilst being abused due to her life being so empty and damaged. Tough stuff.
 
 

So anyway, this got me thinking about myself. Earlier, cussing my bad luck at missing out on winning the Lotto, the caravan and the new hip. Compared to those on the street i must seem like an incredibly wealthy person in comparison. No money worries, a roof over my head and no traumas from the past casting a dark cloud over my life. Maybe that's the problem with people these days. We've become too self involved. All too busy wishing for things that are out of reach whilst ignoring all the good things we do have. Glass half full and all that. Maybe that's one of the reasons why the country is in such a state. Politicians stealing taxpayers money, greedy media moguls, greedy footballers, people mortgaging themselves to the hilt in the never ending pursuit of some kind of consumeristic nirvana ...... hmmmm!

Set the dogs on 'em !!!

If there's one thing i like more than a nice bottle of stout, it's a good old fashioned lynching! Especially when it involves a money and power crazy foreigner like Rupert Murdoch. Now, i'm a fair man... i said i'm a fair man [that was my Fred Elliot impersonation] and as such i've always believed in 'innocent until proven guilty' .... until now. Maybe it's because this Murdoch looks like the kind of hoodlum that would kick a pregnant woman between the legs if it meant earning a few extra quid.

I think i've mentioned before how much i dislike anything to do with R.M. Sky tv is banned at Casa Heckles and so are his trashy tabloid rags. Although, all those people who are soo outraged about the hacking of phones belonging to Millie Dowler and fallen soldiers should maybe examine their own conscience's as buying his papers makes themselves just as guilty as the tabloid hackers. Definite case of double standards going on here. Luckily for me my conscience is clear, therefore i can sit back in my favourite red [not pink!] armchair feeling ever so smug and self righteous. lol.

So now the carrot-topped/Grant Mitchell beating/ News Corp/CEO Rebekah Brooks has become enemy number one and about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool. This woman only serves to prove my theories correct. That all women should spend more time at home, cooking and cleaning. It beats me why anyone would want to work for Rupert Murdoch to start with. He can't pay very good wages. Why else would Brooks be unable to afford a personal trainer / hair stylist.

Proper music ....

... by a nice young man with good wholesome family values.

You've never had it so good.

Now as you are all aware, not only am i a man of  impeccable taste and sophistication, but also a man that doesn't like to complain. People seem to complain about anything these days. Have these professional whingers got nothing better to do with their time? So now summer has landed, and so too have the whingers to top all whingers. Yes, you've guessed it, i'm talking about ''British Farmers.'' Are these flat-cap wearing, sh*t-shovellers ever happy? Turn on the news and you'll see a never ending stream of farmers complaining about next-to-nothing. It's the same old Jackanory stories every bloody year.

Not enough rain. 
Too much rain.
Wrong type of rain.
Too hot.
Too cold.
Diesel going up [isn't everybodys].
Supermarkets squeezing their profits....

I ask you. If it's so difficult to scatter a few seeds on the ground and wait for it to grow then why do they bother doing it. With the amount of whining they do, you'd think they'd entered the farming industry out of the goodness of their little hearts. If there's no money in it then why do i constantly see fat farmers swanning about in expensive Range-Rovers?? Well....?

Complainer-itis seems to be spreading faster than i can blog at the moment. If it's not the farmers moaning then it's them there lazy teachers and public sector ''workers'' that have started piping up. These types have been on easy street for decades, bankrolled by a Lie-bour government who drenched the public sector with billions of ££'s on non-jobs and fancy final salary pensions .... all subsidised by the good old taxpayer. Yup, it must be real tough being forced into having 17 weeks holiday a year and being made to ''work'' anything up to 5 long hours per day. Shock horror!! Somebody call the Police! Unions have predicted that it could be the largest strike for generations if selfish ''workers'' throw the toys out of the pram. I say 'sack the lot of em'. Employ Polish teachers for half the cost .... especially if they're really tasty.

But it doesn't end there though. Believe it or not, ANOTHER group of whingers have jumped on the bandwagon .... them women!

For years they've sat around on their backsides watching day-time soaps, gas-bagging on t'front gate and wasting the G.P's time and resources with their '' little foible's.'' Now the Government wants them to wait a few years before they draw a pension and the splitarse's are in uproar. For hundreds of years they've been harping on about equality, now they're going to get it, and they're still not happy. Sheeshh!. If you want my unbiased opinion i think women shouldn't be able to claim a state pension until the age of 80, as they're a bigger drain on resources and live a lot longer than men ... because they have easier lives.

It's at times like these the old joke about married couple springs to mind.


Q. Why do married men usually die before their wives?

A. Because they want to!

Scumbag footballers?

I picked up an old newspaper the other day and was shocked by the front page headline, it read; ''Premiership footballer has sex with his own wife.'' I ask you, what is the world coming to? It seems that every time you read a newspaper there's yet another story about greedy scumbag footballers playing away [i suppose it beats reading about greedy scumbag politicians or Z-factor dross]. Last week some footballer called Ryan Giggs [who?] was outed on loser social networking site Twitter as having a seedy fling with some foreign piece of totty! It's reported that Mr Giggs is extremely nervous and agitated about his marriage being well and truly on the rocks especially as Chelsea player John Terry has started popping round for cups of sugar!

At one time i used to be an avid football fan, but like lots of people, i've fallen out of love with 'the beautiful game.' Money seems to be the only thing players are really interested in these days. Well, that and getting their team mate's wife up the duff or filming themselves wearing white grandad pants. Eugh! How can wet-nosed, lazy players justify earning £100,000 a week when soldiers and nurses are lucky to clear £400. Even though the game seems to be rife with money, sex and greed i stumbled across a newspaper article the other day which restored some of my faith in that not all footballers are pure scum. It read as follows:


DERBY County legend Igor Stimac drove 100 miles to visit a sick Rams fans after hearing he was in hospital in his native Croatia.The football legend responded to a plea by the son of pensioner John Foster, who was desperately worried after hearing his father had taken ill while on holiday.

John, 74, had been on a coach trip around Europe with wife Pearl. The couple's son Mark was frantic with worry so decided to contact the only Croatian person he knew of - the former centre-half Igor. He telephoned Derby County, who sent an email to him and the kind-hearted former player - who now lives back in Croatia - responded. He made the 100 mile trip to visit John - a Pride Park ticket holder - in hospital and liaised with the British Embassy on his behalf.

Igor said he wanted to help after remembering ''how wonderful'' Derby County fans had been to him. ''I felt it was very important because i will never forget how wonderful all the fans were when i was a Derby and how many times they travelled to support us.''

Mark said he was stunned when he heard Igor had visited his dad.
He said: '' i emailed the club saying my parents were having a rough time in Croatia, which was no-one's fault. I asked if my message could be forwarded to Igor and whether there was any chance a get well message could be sent. That's all i expected, but on Friday he turned up at the hospital with his 21 year old son!!'' 

 Mr Stimac. 

Wealthy, caring, handsome, looks great in a suit....

What a complete b*stard!

The American Dream...

Well, it only took about two weeks in the 'land of the free' for B&Q toothed Cheryl Cole to get her P45. I'm surprised it took that long, but then i guess that doesn't say much about the standard of British TV and it's moggadon viewers, because the talentless, anorexic, incoherent northerner has been plastered over our screens for god knows how many years. It's a bit of a shame really. I was hoping by her being in the U.S and A it would mean a nice long break from her annoying adverts, her annoying face... and her even more annoying accent. I know a man should never hit a woman but surely there must exceptions to the rule???

You can take the scum out of the slum, but you can't take the slum out of the scum!

Anyway... sadly for us, it won't be long now before the fame hungry rat is back in the U.K. Cole's agents have finally given up on her ''music'' career as she's proved time and time again she can't sing or dance, and they are now looking for another vehicle to showcase her talents. May i suggest a hearse?

Declining standards of today.

As you are all aware, Mr Heckles is indeed a man of good taste, style and sophistication whilst cutting a debonair, Nigel Havers-esqe swaithe through all that is wrong in the world today. But nothing gets me all riled up like them there ''scruffy buggers'' ... well, apart from that talentless thug; Cheryl Cole.

Yes, whilst flicking [yes, i did say FL-icking]  through some old photos t'uther night it dawned on me how people's dress sense seems to of disappeared over the past few decades. My old Polaroid pictures of family and friends on trips to the coast all had something in common, they were all wearing collared shirts and trousers even in the height of summer. And very smart we were too! Contrast that with you slovenly, unwashed folks of today. Most of you people, regardless of where you might be, walk around looking like you've spent the night on a park bench or gotten dressed after waking up in a burning house!!!



The good olde days

 Yes indeed. No scruffy types back then you know. Everyone was well turned out, keeping up the standards. It's the kind of stuff that made the Empire so great. Why even on a recent night out at the theatre i was horrified to see people wearing .... wait for it.......jeans.... and trainers, God dammit! Have YOU people have no shame? If you can't get spruced for a night on the tiles then exactly what can you spruced up for?? Where will it all end?

                                                  fashion tips for scruffy buggers of today

Where's Maddy?

Well its been 4 years since toddler Madeline McCann was kidnapped from a hotel room in the stuck-up Portuguese Eldorado holiday resort of Praia De Luz. So that's 4 years of tears, puffy eyes, pain, torture and misery! .... [and that's just what the general public have had to endure]. 4 years of hand wringing. 4 years of an insipid media campaign. 4 years of never owning up to the fact that because the McCann clan put going out on the lash with their toffee nosed rich friends before their own flesh and blood they are now minus one kid.





4 years of double standards whilst Social Services spinelessly look the other way whilst a child is abducted due to it's brain dead parents negligence. We all know that if this had of happened to Tracey and Kev from the local sink estate they would of been hammered by the national press and found themselves in handcuffs once on UK terrafirma. I guess when you have friends in high places, your own personal spokesperson and have plenty of wonga in the bank then you can pretty much get away with anything. Lets not forget that they also left their other two babies alone in that hotel room. Now i ask you, what kind of parents would not only leave a toddler alone whilst going for a knee's up, but also two small babies?

So now the media freak show/gravy train has started all over again. There's a new batch of interviews and book to keep the McCann brand alive and kicking [no pun intended]. Private detectives have earned themselves a small fortune travelling all over the globe in the hunt for the mysterious abductor of Madeline, yet the real culprits are sitting in their posh house just north of Leicester!!!

So what about the next 4 years then? Maybe a Hollywood movie, a stage play or musical perhaps? Whatever happens i just hope that if Madeline McCann is still alive her ''new'' parents do a better job looking after her than the old ones ever did.

The trouble with women is.....

It would seem the world has gone stark raving bonkers. It's times like these a lone voice in the wilderness like that of Monsieur Heckles comes as a welcome tonic. Apparently two football pundits have been sacked for a spot of genteel ribbing of some female linesman!! Such was the outcry that thousands of people complained, something that i find very hard to believe as looking at the Sky TV viewing figures i doubt if they have more than one man and his dog watching half the time. Here at Casa Heckles it's banned, won't have it in the house i tell ya. I pay my TV licence [well maybe not... i'm a pensioner ha!] i don't see why i should pay twice for their dross and drivell.

Now, me being of a more mature age you'd think i'd be all against women participating in male dominated sports, but i don't. ''Equal opportunities for all'' is what i say. Linesman Sian Massey should be allowed to carry on officiating at football matches.... just as long as she's done all her housework and not neglected to make hubby's dinner first. It's all about priorities you see.

Seriously tho, the best place for a woman is in the home, out of harms way, preferably in the kitchen washing pots and doing some baking. Margaret Thatcher is a classic example of what happens when a mere woman burns her bra and gets ideas well above her station. Just look at what she did to the miners [closed all the pits so we could import our coal from Brazil]. Look at what she did to the heavy industries of the north [closed them all down so we could import everything from China]. Even after 20-30 years we still haven't recovered from her menopausal  policies. Everyone [i talk to] agrees that 'that woman' did more damage to the manufacturing output of this country than Adolf Hitler during the blitz! Need i say more?

Anyway.... as you're all aware my meagre state/war pension doesn't go far these days so i've decided to head off to get some sun on the olde shredded wheat. I'm a positive, happy-go-luck kind of chap but the constant talking about this double dip recession is really screwing up the alignment of me chakras!!

Always one to spot a bargain, i noticed a 2 week, all you can eat, break in Sharm El Sheik for £180, cheap at half the price if you ask me. Okay it may be a tad noisey at the moment but [being an ex military man] it takes a lot to phase an individual like myself. Although just in case i get trampled to death by a rioting camel outside the Taja Sevelle, i'd like to take this opportunity to wish all of my FOUR readers a happy 2011.....2012...



The New World Order [ according to Mr. H ]

I remember reading the recent findings of a survey that stated that 25% of the general public contributed absolutely nothing to the UK economy. Well it's a good job they didn't survey MP's as we all know they're a bunch of lazy, thieving, self-serving parasites. Anyway... i thought 25% was a tad on the high side until a recent trip to that armpit of the Fens: Peterborough. I've never seen so many dossers and vagrants in my entire life, and i've been to Nottingham and Coventry!!!!!

This got me thinking [dangerous i know] there are just too many people in this world clogging up the roads, blocking pavements, using up earth's natural resources and certainly far too many flaming people queing up at the local Post Office especially when i'm trying to draw my pittance of a state pension. What's needed is a cull. Maybe something along the same lines as that 80's futuristic TV series: Hogan's Run. Now as always there'll be some people who'll complain about it being a bad idea, there's always one moaner isn't there? But instead of getting rid of all us old people [many a good tune and all that], why not just get shot of all the annoying people. Surely it's a win win situation all round.

Maybe we could put them inside a giant cannon and fire them into outer space. Obviously, to comply with health and safety regs they'd be wearing a hi-viz vest, toe-tectors and be given a cheese sandwich and a can of  7Up [apparently it's the chosen drink of astronauts, lol]. Maybe they could be forced to listen to Cheryl [the binge drinking thug] Cole rape her latest song. Surely death would come as a welcome release from that kind of torture? The types of irritating people heading for them pearly white gates would include...

Men who wear leather jackets. [they went out of fashion 20 years ago pal].

Women who wear grey leggings [mainly because cos they're too fat to wear a skirt].

A Question Of Sport viewers [what a croque of...].

Most women drivers [always concentrating too hard to be polite].

People who complain for the sake of it [life's too short for whingers].

Rover car drivers [always expect the unexpected from these doddering fools].

City *ankers [get rich quick merchants who leave the poorest to pick up the tab].

People who wear sunglasses in winter [who do you think you are, Tom Cruise?].

Anyone who's been in front of me in a traffic jam!!!!

Anyone who's been behind me in a trafic jam!!!!

People who support a successful football team even though they have no connection with that club or it's city.

Anyone who's auditioned for X factor [chav TV for brain dead moggadons].

Tesco shoppers [in a nutshell- the lowest of the low].

People who insist on sitting outside Costa Coffee on a wet/windy day whilst trying to pretend they're at some Italian piazza ''people watching.''

People who eat at McDowell's [junk food, high cholesterol and diabetes are not substitutes for love].

People who drop litter [do you drop litter in your own home? No. Didn't think so!].

Slow 'heads-up' swimmers [if you're that scared of getting your hair wet then shave it off or stay out of the pool].

Southerners [most have never done a hard days work in their lives. It would probably kill them].

Computer geeks [nobody likes a show-off].

Inconsiderate plebs who spend 20 minutes tapping away at a cash point just to draw out a tenner.

 infamous wasters heading for the chop would be:

Peter Sutcliffe [what a stupid haircut].

Cheryl Cole [beats up a black toilet attendant whilst out of her face on Bacardi Breezers then quickly marries a useless womanising black footballer to save her 'singing' career and stop people calling her a racist who was recently forced to admit she wore hair extensions whilst doing adverts for hair care products].

Ian Huntley & Maxine Carr [waste of carbon].

Gordon Brown [he's Scottish. eugh!!].

Scottish people [they're always on benefits and drinking meths or LPG].

Danny Dyer [cos he thinks he's a right 'ole proper cockney geezaah!].

Do-gooder Shami Chakrabati [always standing up for the rights of terrorists and spongers].

Now obviously these are just a few annoying types that have sprung to mind but i think you'll agree that by getting shot of the low-lifes above would enhance the lives of decent hardworking folk. The full list of worthless cretins can be found in any copy of Heat Magazine and the NOTW.