Woo-Hoo!!.... early night for me.

I'm not sure about anyone else but what i really enjoy is a good olde fashioned early night.

You know, really set the scene. Fluff up the duvet and pillows, dim the lights [well, put the lamp on]and maybe even a wee drinky of something nice strategically positioned on the bedside table [well away from the false teeth and steredents] and then dive into bed and enjoy a right good .... book!

Oh yes. Not much in life beats a good book you know. As a serious intellectual i've read all the heavyweights. Orwell, King, Tolstoy and ..... erm ..... Prescott!! Anyway, now that the olde haemorrhoid's have started playing up again my favourite armchair is out of bounds, which is a considerable pain in the arse [pardon the pun]. So, curling up with a book and having an early night is the best/softest solution.

Such is my thirst for knowledge i've had to place an order for some new 'material'. I didn't realise buying books over the t'interweb was so easy, even for an incontinent duffer like myself. And seeming as it was [meals-on-wheels] Whiskers Janice's birthday the other day i decided to throw caution to the wind, un-tie the purse strings, splash the cash and buy her a book too! Yes i know, i'm generous to a fault. Generosity has always been my achilles heel. The mere fact that i also needed to increase my total spends in order to qualify for the free delivery option didn't even enter my head.

Lip Up Fatty !!

Who's who? Pete Burns or Katie Price?

What is it with these minor celebs who keep having all this cosmetic surgery stuff. If it's not new teeth from B&Q [Cheryl Cole] or having their face's stretched tighter than a snare drum [Denise Van Outen] then it's getting their bangers increased half a dozen sizes [Dane Bowers]. I've always been lead to believe that 'less is more'. That's certainly true if you've ever had the misfortune to see me fully naked [ahem].

Anyway..... Just the other day whilst sitting in my favourite armchair [waiting for the meals-on-wheels woman to turn up, 'Whiskers Janice'] i decided to have a read of the paper. Big mistake! I laughed so hard i nearly soiled my new slacks. It would seem that some woman called Katie Price/Jordan has gotten herself a 'nice' pair of comedy fish lips. Obviously the thought of looking like a Pete Burns doppleganger was no barrier. Methinks it could be one big cover-up. Maybe it wasn't plastic surgery at all. Maybe it's to do with her cage fighting hubby; Mike Read. Maybe he's been using wee Katie to practice for his next fight. It's not all bad news though, there's a possibility he might knock some sense into her, then again, she is from Wales!

Proper music...

.. from nice boys with clean clothes and combed hair. Unlike today's scruffy buggers!!

If it moves, ban it. If it don't move, ban it 'till it moves.

It's not often i 'cut-lose' and have a good olde rant, until now!

The new [no principles] ConDemn Government has come up with the idea of letting people have a say on which laws should be repealed. A good idea in theory, like most things politicians come up with no doubt. Err ... Well hows about getting rid of the law that says convicts can sue the government/taxpayer when refused Sky+ in their cells. Maybe it's the politicians that need changing not the law. Personally, I reckon we need more rules and regulations, such as...

1.Muffin tops. Since when have rolls of fat spilling out over a pair of kecks been attractive? Offenders should be given a full length mirror, a life-time restraining order from McDougal's and also be made to sign-on at a local police station twice a week to have their body mass index checked.

2.Pajama wearing shoppers. When, if ever, did it become acceptable to wander around a supermarket wearing discharge stained nightwear and slippers? Do these losers have any pride or self-respect? I've even seen these retards with my own eyes. They normally fall into a specific category... usually female...30 to 40....out of shape...slummy mummy types. Bearing in mind that most of their clothing is made in China, thus, highly flammable, i think a new law should be introduced, where, if spotted they should automatically be set on fire. 99% burns would be a big fashion improvement.

3.Women drivers. Now i'm all for equality and stuff but whoever decided to let women hold a drivers licence needs to be disemboweled with a pair of rusty garden shears. They drive too slow, clog up the roads, have no idea why box junctions have yellow hatch markings and even though they're driving a car the size of a dodgem they still can't squeeze through gaps wide enough to accommodate an aircraft carrier.

4.Child benefits. Scrap the lot. Far too many people these days poke out kids [benefit tokens] without a care in the world regarding the means to pay for them. Having kids is a privilege, not a right. If you want kids, fine, but don't expect others to feed and clothe them for you. The sooner these Jeremy Kyle rejects realise that having kids means they'll have to get off their arse's and find a job to pay for little Romeo's new bandanna and butterfly knife- the better.

5.Tramp stamps. Make them illegal. When did scarring yourself for life become cool? As a small child, if i drew on myself with a biro, i'd get my legs slapped. It would seem this form of punishment should be introduced to others lower down the social/mental food chain. True story....[ahem]....Many, many years ago a colleague came into work with a face on him like a smacked arse because his new 'squeeze' had gotten a tattoo. We gave him a bit of a ribbing when he said, ''i don't want to be going out with some bird with a tattoo, it'll be like i'm shagging a bloke.'' hhahaha.

6.Cheryl Cole. Send her water boarding at Guantanamo Bay. God only knows why the newspapers [hmm, can you call 'The Sun' a newspaper?] and WAG wannabe's are so infatuated with this osteoporosis bound non-entity. In recent days the press have been clogging up the front pages with sensationalist stories/crap of Cole being at deaths door after contracting malaria [probably just a publicity stunt]. I feel sorry for the mosquito that had the misfortune to bite her, or did she bite the mosquito? Apparently the side effects of malaria are many, they include; kidney failure, seizures, mental confusion, coma and even death. So pretty much the same symptoms as sitting through a Girls Aloud concert then!!

Rant over... [for now. heheh]

Proper music...

.. not like today's stuff where you can't even hear the chuffin' words.

Sun, sea and stupid people.

People can be so thick.

I'm not talking about [moving in] 2+2 or the capital of Monaco and stuff, but the real basics of life, ie: common sense. Some people have it, most don't. Some of the thickest people i've ever met are those with the longest list of qualifications. Years and years spent dodging 'real graft' by hiding out at College and Uni [taxpayer funded] only to end up working in Costa Coffee or Nando's.



Anyway, i digress. It would seem that whenever the sun comes out and people are near water, it has the side- effect of shrinking their brains. Like the stupid woman called Anna Baboy,29, who thought that on one of the hottest days of the year she'd have a can of lager [classy], do a spot of sunbathing on Brighton beach .... along with her 5 month old baby called.... er... Cosmo!!! Needless to say the baby suffered 40% burns. I can't decide whether Social Services should prosecute this excuse of a woman for neglect or for stigmatising a child with the name 'Cosmo.' Maybe it should be both? Maybe she should be sterilised via the rusty coat hanger method? One things for sure, with a mother like that i doubt if the kid will ever amount to anything in life, the odds just don't look good.

Yep, it really makes me wonder how people so stupid can actually make it through life sometimes. Cripes! only the other week i read another story about a chap who got pished as a fart and decided it to cool off by going for a swim. He cooled off alright... in the chiller at the local morgue. Add this to all the millions of idiots [usually at Skegness] that get swept miles out to sea on inflatable airbeds and innertubes. I'm sure the lifeboat chaps have better things to do than spend all day fishing out those 'tubes'. Instead of launching a lifeboat, maybe a helicopter gunship would be more beneficial and cost-effective. Use the fools for target practice, it'll be the only time they serve any real purpose in life.

Although it has to be said, those examples come way down on the ''Richter Scale of Idiots'' when compared to the fool in the clip below who thought it would be a good idea to defy onlookers by standing on the roof of a train .... and grab the overhead powerlines. What a bright spark !!!

For some people there is no hope.

proper music...

... not like this modern wrap music rubbish... sheeesh!!!

I've got the horn !?!!

No, not that kind of horn! You have a filthy mind. Besides, it's along time since there was any movement in that area i'll have you know, ahem. I'm of course talking about those damned vuvuzelas at the World Cup. As you know, i'm not the type of chap to moan about anything, but what kind of blithering idiot thought thousands of Africans blowing cheap plastic horns would be a good idea? Why, Nobby Stiles would be turning in his grave if he could see whats happened to our ''beautiful game.''

A global event turned into a farce i reckon. Fans and pundits spending more time talking about vuvu's than they do about football [not soccer]. For once in my life i wish i was a Scotchman. Yes.... i realise that in order to do that i'd have to; [a] wear a string vest [b] become an alcoholic racist [c] adopt the Proclaimers song '500 miles' as my national anthem, but at least then i wouldn't have a problem with these horns because Scotts never watch any World Cups games, primarily because they never participate in it. lol.

Anyway... i've now found a nifty way of overcoming the irritating drone of the vuvuzelas. Everytime the football starts i get out the vacuum cleaner and get busy. It drowns out the noise a treat and my carpets have never been so clean. The Shake 'n' Vac people are making some serious cash out of me this summer. At least when the football season starts in England we won't have to put up with that infernal racket. Although i did hear that some worried footy fans had read an article about the Nottingham Forest club shop buying 10,000 for next season. Such was the uproar that chairman Nigel Doughty had to issue a statement saying the entire story was pie in the sky as Forest don't even have 10,000 fans.

This country has officially gone to the dogs !!!

It really makes you wonder what this once fine country is coming to when a no-mark waster like Cheryl Cole/Tweedy can get an award for..... wait for it ...... ''Woman of The year.'' >insert belly laugh here<

One can only guess as to what the selection criteria was.

Maybe candidates were chosen for:

1. Who has the most orange face?

2. The worst weight problem?

3.Who is the vainest and most shallow?

4. Who wears thousands of ££'s worth of extensions whilst promoting hair care products?

5. Who has teeth so fake they look like they were purchased from B&Q?

6. Who got the worst conviction for launching a drunken attack on an innocent female toilet attendant?

7. Who married a cheating black footballer to save her image and avoid be branded a racist thug [see No.6].

Yep. That's one hell of an impressive CV for someone so thin and talentless.

Is it any wonder that impressionable young girls who look up to these vacuous non-entities grow up with so many issues regarding weight and poor self image? Oscar Wilde was once quoted as saying; ''We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." I guess we all know which way Tweedy is facing.

proper music....

....not like the rubbish they trot out nowadays.... pffffff