Houston, We Have A Problem!

God only knows what's been happening of late. These famous types seem to be dropping like flies. So many have popped their cloggs it's getting hard to keep track of 'em. Micheal Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Maggie Thatcher [oops sorry, that's just wishful thinking on my part]... and now Whitney has snuffed it, literally. Maybe it's something in the water? Or in Whiney's case, the bath water!

Apparently, Whitney had had not long finished shooting [no pun intended]a new film that was due out in the summer, it was to be called 'The Bodybag' and her management team had been telling her to lay off the drugs and get herself clean. As with most famous types they like to go over the top and as a result ended up brown bread in the bath. I guess she waited too long to exhale! She'll be a sad loss to the music biz because Whitney had sold over 170 million records, yet her biggest hits came from a crack-pipe. It's been well documented that she had a rather 'tempestious' relationship with her hubby, so it came as quite a shock to read the headline, 'Whitney Beats Bobby To Death.' Last week her funeral was shown live on the t'interweb, and they reckon it got around 40 million hits. Which is roughly the same number of hits that Whitney got from Bobby...

Joking aside, it is kinda sad to see people with talent, fame and fortune, who, through poor self control disappear up their own backsides. At the end of the day these people are the architects of their own downfall and deserve very little sympathy -  that should be saved for the people they've left behind.

I guess that's the thing with a lot of wealthy people, whether they happen to be famous or not - they're never truly happy with anything they have. It doesn't matter if they've got the fake B&Q teeth, flash cars or fancy second homes, because most have lives as empty and vacuous as a Greek bank account. 

Books, Bolshoi and Bulging Boxes.

It seems to be getting colder and colder of late. Being on a meagre state pension whilst trying to save for my holidays is hard work [more on that subject a bit later]. As i've mentioned previously, the central heating has been turned off in order to save a few vital pennies. And yes, the cupboards have been fully stocked with baked beans!! This now means that instead of spending my evenings sitting in my favourite armchair, hot milk in hand whilst watching Celebrity Big Brother - it's an early night with my electric blanket and a good book that's calling me.

Being someone of high inteligence my thirst for knowledge is unquenchable. So much so that i've easily been going through one book per month! Yeah i know, that's some going, isn't it?

I do love a good book. I hate fiction with a passion, but love facts. Autobiographies are what sets my literary mind juices flowing. There's nothing more interesting than reading about someone who's achieved great things or been at the centre of major events. Although it has to be said that not all biogs are worth the paper they're printed on. Take slapper glamour girl katie Price, a slip of a girl who has 'written' 3 biographies already, yet Albert Einstein has none! Food for thought methinks... hmmm!

One of my favourite books has been about a ginger comedian called Frankie Boyle. Very insightful, straight to the point and crammed full of put-downs, one-liners and witty humour. Why, i could of almost written the book myself, hehheh. Now, who was it who said, ''self praise is no recommendation''..????

I've recently started reading a new book by some U.S rock band called The Motley Crew, which is turning into something of an eye opener. Drugged up, over-sexed rock bands aren't my usual bag, but the mere fact these young boys have lived life on the edge of destruction is of great interest to an ex-services man like myself. I too lived life on the edge whilst fighting deep in the jungles of Borneo. Although i hasten to add, i spent my time in an altogether different kind of bush!!



Unusually for moi, i did manage to finish a fiction book before starting my Motley Crew biog the other day. White Tiger is a book about a young boy struggling to get out his poverty stricken village in India and make some serious rupee's. A bit of a slow starter but very insightful and interesting book nonetheless. I'm unsure as to what surprised me the most. The fact i managed to read the entire book and enjoy it, or the fact i somehow managed to upload the photo, from my camera and onto my blog! Enshallah ... Enshallah.

Following on from the top of the page: As an ex-services man, i do like to plan things with military precision, well ahead of time, nothing left to chance, that's how they built The British Empire don't you know. Like my schedule for my meticulously researched and eagerly anticipated trip to Moscow. It's a place renowned for many great things like; Red Square, St Basils, GUM [don't ask ??], Lenin's body [don't ask??] and more guilded palace's than you can shake an old man's walking stick at.

Ballet and Opera are a massive draw in Moscow with many, many fine theatre's dotted around the centre of the city. And as a man of impeccable taste and sophistication i've decided to visit a couple of shows here in the U.K before setting off on my travels, just to lubricate my creative juices in readiness. In the past i've been lucky enough to see a few of these types of shows and have found them to be extremely entertaining -  even if they do contain young chaps leaping around flashing their lunch boxes for all to see...!

So anyway... at Christmas just gone, as a present to myself [well, no-one else was going to buy me anything] i bought some of the above mentioned tickets. Swan Lake and Romeo & Juliet to be precise. I don't get out much these days, what with the dodgy knee's and shrapnell on the move and stuff. It'll dent my finances a little, but if i don't spend it on me, the government will only steal it. I've made it my destiny to spend what i've got now, and die a pauper later.

What would be really nice would be to visit the home of ballet; The Bolshoi Theatre [Bolshoi means 'grande' in russian btw]. Now newly restored to the tune of $700 million it has to be mecca of Ballet, easily beating 'La Scala' in Italy [maybe i'll visit that one next year, if i live that long, lol]. One thing is for sure, with the temperatures in Moscow dropping below -30 i doubt there'll be many bulging lunch boxes on display!!

  

Tesco: Every Little Helps!

When you get to my age there's very little in life that makes you laugh, not surprising when death is just a sneeze away, but, the other day, laugh i did. Tesco announced that it's Christmas profits were well down on previous years. FYI, Tesco and more notably the people who shop in it can only be described as 'scum-of-the-earth'. You know, the types of lower class people who shop in their pyjamas and buy 30 loaves of bread, gallons of milk and a lorry load of nappies, just because a microscopic dusting of snow has been predicted next month
.

To an intelligent man such as myself, one who's been trained in pshycological warfare as well as hand-to-hand-combat it comes as no surprise Tesco's profits were down. When you have people like; fuzzy faced TV chef, Anthony Womble Thompson stealing all the stock!!!

It beggars belief that a man who is worth millions can find the justification for stealing food. Why didn't he steal it from his own restaurants??  

I'm not sure what i find more disgusting.. apart from the stupid beard... is it the fact that a millionaire can happily steal, whilst hard pressed families struggle to get-by in a low wage/high taxation economy OR because during the summer riots a person was given a lengthy stretch in Butlins  jail for nicking a bottle of mineral water, especially when you consider that serial shoplifter Thompson walked away from his crimes scot-free and avoided a similar prison sentence... probably on the grounds he's got shed loads of cash. One rule for the rich.....?

That's the thing with most rich people, they're rich for a reason. Whether it's because they're good at lying, good at stealing or just plain and simply- being tight bstards. Rattle a collection tin infront of a wealthy person and they'll say they're either too skint or too busy to donate. Do the same thing with a poor person and they'll usually dig around and find some loose change somewhere. It doesn't take a science degree to realise that rich people have no morals regardless of whether they're a Canary Wharf con-merchant or a bloated TV chef.   

The other day, whilst waiting patiently at the chiropodists to get my bunions sorted i heard a great line from a chap called Terry Christian who was on 'The Wright Stuff',  he said: ''the only thing that money can't buy is poverty.'' How true... how very true. But maybe honesty, dignity and morals should also be added to the list?

I'm so moneysupermarket, i don't even know it!

Pff... where do i start? That young Paul Daniels chappy has been in the wars recently. Whilst doing a spot of DIY he cut off one of his fingers!! Luckily for him it wasn't his index finger or the lovely Debbie MaGoo might have stern words for the toupee'd magician. It not all bad news though, Paul has now decided to incorporate the sliding thumb trick into his new magic show. I know you'll like it, not a lot ....!

I always remember some journo asking Debbie the now famous question of: ''so tell me, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?''  heheheh ... Many a true word spoken in jest.

This year seems to be flying by already. Unusually for me i sense it's going to be a grrreat year, if i live long enough to see it out, i can almost feel it in my tender loins..!! My chakras are fully aligned. Last week i finally managed to get my hemorrhoid's sorted out. Phew! that was a weight off my mind - quite literally. Those little buggers were really causing me some aggravation over Christmas. At one point they were hanging so low i seriously thought about starting up my very own vineyard...!

My pre-New Year resolutions, which were to keep fingers un-nibbled, trying to be the bigger/better person during disagreements and global travel are all coming along nicely. What i didn't realise is how much hardwork goes into planning a vacation. I almost need a holiday before i take my original holiday. One things for sure, i won't be going on any European Cruise's for the foreseeable future. Them greasy foreign sailors, sheeesh kebab, is it any wonder Admiral Nelson managed to destroy an entire fleet of battleships with HMS Victory. Rule Britannia, that's wot i say!

Auld Langs ..... Sigh!!!

So you can really tell it's getting towards the end of the year, as around this time you see lots of out of shape, couch potatoes chucking their guts up, red faced and blundering down the street as they plan to be the new Paula Radcliffe.

That's the trouble with people these days. They spend all year gorging on lard pies and cakes then have a heart whilst trying to loose half their body weight in a fortnight. By god, when me and my company were ninja training in the jungles of Borneo we really knew how to be in tune with our bodies and senses. Many a time hand-to-hand combat was fought in total darkness, a man had to be in a total state of awareness and harmony with one's surroundings, or to the uncouthed layman on the street .... ''unagi''

That's the good thing about being a tightfisted Scrooge over Christmas. Zero weight gain! Not just a hat rack my friend, not just a hat rack. Although being totally honest i did throw caution to the wind and by a box of mince pies last week, well, they were on special offer. So you see, even Mr Heckles can splash the cash occasionally. Hey!!... you filthy minded toe-rags, i said 'splash the cash' .... not...!

I know it's hard to believe but, i'm not much of a fan of Christmas or New Years. I think it must stem from my childhood, as the working poor we had to make do with very little. Not like kids today who think they're hard-done-by if they don't get a room full of computer gizmo's and a miniature pony that sh*ts gold sovereigns. When you get to my age it just means another year has passed you by, with a broken heart and a painful death just that little bit closer.



 New Years resolutions are another pain in the derriere. Normally i don't bother as i'm pretty much perfect. But i guess there's always room for improvement, so keeping my nails shorter and refraining from nibbling the ends of my fingers [that part of the human body doesn't have a specific name] when i'm under intolerable pressure. It'll be a tough challenge but being a man of courage and moral fortitude doesn't come easy. I have also decided to see the world a bit more. Admittedly, a war pension doesn't stretch far these days, especially when you consider how much poor people like me have to subsidise the corrupt bankers in Canary Wharf. I reckon if i turn off the central heating, live in just one room of the house and eat cheapy baked beans for breakfast, dinner and tea, i should be able to afford it. Eating all those beans will probably mean i don't need need the heating on anyway, crikey, it'll be like a scene out of Blazing Saddles!!!!!

Moscow [that's in Russia btw] is a place i've longed to visit. The Kremlin and St. Basil's Cathedral are just two of the many fascinating places i'd love to have a nosey around. The only real problem in can envisage is the language barrier. I've already learnt a spot of Russian. ''Neit''... it means ''NO''. Yup, not just a pretty face you know. Unfortunately the phrase; ''bugger off before i hit you with my walking stick'' doesn't translate very well.  Why they can't all speak English is beyond me. How bloomin' rude is that? That's the trouble when you start travelling abroad, them foreigner's, they're such an ignorant bunch of комуністи !!!

Phew !!!!

So many things have been happening in the last few weeks it's getting hard to keep track at times.

I read an article the other day about a drunken youth in Bolivia who jumped into a river and was eaten alive by piranha fish. That story really gave me the willies as i was thinking about treating myself to one of those fish-pedicures down at the local shopping centre!! Looks like those bunions will have to wait a bit longer. here.

As you know, i always like to observe things, people and places, probably because names, numbers and dates just fly straight out of my head. Why, a few years ago i nearly forgot my own birthday, although it'll be a long time before i forget the last one, lol. Just the other day i observed a woman sitting in her posh BMW who was, bold as brass, greedily picking her nose ... and eating it! Dirty woman or is it just a BMW driver thing? It amazes me how drivers think they're invisible when sitting behind the wheel? 

As you know, i'm not a big fan of politicians. If i had my way they'd all be pinned to the front of a 4x4, but i guess i'm just a big softie. So the events of late have given me some cause to re-evaluate things. Seeing that Tory scumbag Cameron stick two fingers up and saying a big fat NO to the 'white-flag' brigade in Europe makes me proud to be British. Those dimwitts on the continent already have too much say in how this country is run, mainly thanks to spineless Blair and Brown. Europe has gone tits-up so why do we want them controlling our taxes, spending ..... and debts.... that the greedy thieves in London created.... leaving the weak and vulnerable to repay, as always.

World leaders are currently jumping up and down about nasty Iroonis developing nuclear power. Tighter and tighter sanctions are being imposed with foreign embassys being closed down and flags being burned in the street. Ooh scarey!! Well if leaders want Iran to be brought to its knees within the next few months then all they have to do is convince Mr Armadinejad to join the single currency. That should about do it.

It's a kind of magic.

I dunno, I have a few weeks off from blogging and the whole place starts going pear shaped. Can't I leave you lot alone for just five minutes??

If you've been reading the papers of late; crazy things have been happening recently, not only to my good-self, but events of global cataclysmic magnitudes!! But seeming as this blog is all about ''me, me, me''- we'll deal with my musings first, they're far more important.

Anyway....... I'm starting to think I may have developed super-powers, because in the space of a week i've sat and watched three women [of varying degrees of hotness] fall flat on their arses.

The 1st one was using a swing [no, not a sex swing!], a swing on a park, went too high [for a female] and came flying off, legs akimbo and hit the dirt, hard.

The 2nd one was elegantly strolling across a set of congested traffic lights and somehow manage to get her flip-flopped foot caught up in the hem of her baggy/floaty trousers and went sprawling, big time! How embarrassing! I would of wet myself laughing but for the fact she was really, really hot. Well, I don't want to ruin my chances....

The 3rd one was this annoying woman at Asda. There was little old me trying to pull out of my parking space when this pram-faced/tracksuit wearing/slummy mummy walked in front of my car, ''women, always getting in the flaming way'' i muttered to myself. Just then [in a car park the size of half a dozen football pitches] she trod and slipped on a banana skin. She managed to pull off a somersault so perfect even Tom Daley would of been proud. I'll have to give her some credit as she quickly got back up onto her feet, probably cussing me as she limped off. lol.

Now, with the first 2, I thought ''that's a bit of a coincedence'', but when the 3rd one happened I started to think something spooky was taking place. The only rational explanation I can come up with is this; due to my increased levels of intelligence, sexiness and charisma, these traits have now manifested themselves into the form of Telekinesis. For those of you that are unaware [or uneducated] what it means is; the power to control objects remotely, using brainwaves!! Why this special gift from the heavens has only just started revealing itself is a mystery to me. Since the age of  13 i've been concentrating intensely on the female cleavage hoping those pesky blouse buttons will come flying off, but to no avail.


Then, just the other day, major news. It was splashed all over the newspapers, people celebrating, gathering in the streets, chanting and cheering, all because afters years of living under oppression and misery they'd finally heard the news they'd been longing to hear. Yes, you've guessed it; Steps are getting back together!! My God, I was soo happy I nearly rushed out into the street and emptied my Kalashnikov !!!   And before you ask, no, that's not a euphemism for something else. You filthy buggers!

Hmmm ....... if i stare hard enough at Lisa Scott-Lee's blouse ...?

New York, New York.

Well, i don't know about you miserable lot but i'm sick to death about all this digital switchover gubbins. Everytime i switch on the telly there are even more flaming adverts for the thing. Bonkers! In the past couple of months i've had to reset my digibox more times than Ulrika Jonhsons nose !

Anyway...... It came to a head the other day with all the faffing and stuff. Nearly ended up missing my favourite day-time TV show: Real Fishwives Of New York City. Whaaat? For those people who haven't witnessed the delights of this recent US import it's about a bunch of wealthy, self-obsessed, insecure, loud-mouthed, backstabbing housewives. The only thing these so-called friends seem to have in common is; they all live in swanky condos [??], wear swanky clothes and eat at swanky restaurants yet none of them seem to have any definable means of income, coupled with the fact they've all been under the surgeons knife yet somehow have skillfully managed to master the art of looking 10 to 15 years older than they should. Characters include:

Bethanny Frankel [yes, that's a real name!].A woman who lives in a flat the size of rabbit hutch and has had so much botox in her face it doesn't even move when she sneezes.

Alex and Simon. Two people joined at the hip who continually insist on getting their straggly haired kid [Francoise, yes that's a real name!] to speak French. God only knows why, they don't even speak that language in France! [yes, that's a real country!] Alex is the painfully skinny, doting wife who bears a passing resemblance to Nicole Kidman, albeit a very poor version, if that's possible. And Simon.... a man who likes to wear Speedos!!!  I'll say no more. 

The posh one who likes to be known at all times as: Countess Luann De Lesseps. All fur coat and no knickers if you ask me. A woman who claims to be a normal, grounded, unpretentious person despite her high faluting title. A title she got by marrying some guy who came from some insignificant European country that nobody has heard of, that, whilst back in World War 2 probably got steam-rollered by Nazi paratroopers in around the time it takes to boil a kettle.

As i mentioned, Luann loves using her title nearly as much as she likes hearing others use it. On a recent outing with Botox Bethanny, Luann was introduced to the immigrant chauffeur merely as ''Luann.'' A conversation quickly ensued in the back of the car [in earshot of said chauffeur] with Luann saying she prefered the ''hired help'' to address her as Countess De Lesseps. Oh merci me!! All this snobbery backfired at The Hamptons whilst on the phone trying to order pizza for her equally snobby kids. It went something like this, ahem .....

                                    Her:  'i'd like to order 2 cheese and tomato pizzas'

                                    Pizza guy:  'what name is it'

                                    Her:  'Mrs De Lesseps ........... Countess De Lesseps'

                                    Pizza guy:  ....'who?'

Snakes alive, did i laugh or what. You just can't script that kinda stuff. Okay, so the show has got more cheese than a tramps cock, but you just can't argue with comedy gold like that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. One of those rare moments in history where everyone remembers exactly where they were at the time.

George Bush Jnr was talking to a group of school children. Me, well i'd just come in from the garden, flicked on the telly, saw the first tower in flames and thought it was a trailer for a soon-to-be-released blockbuster movie. I guess it must of took a minute or two for the penny to drop .... and my jaw to follow. Helplessly watching those poor souls hanging out of the windows unable to get to safety and the firefighters who where climbing the stairs to rescue people made my heart sink, as it still does today.       

It's amazing that it's been 10 years, time passes so quickly these days, but for many people the wounds haven't healed. I'd hope the relatives, friends and colleagues could take some comfort in the knowledge that their loved ones didn't die in vain but have helped make the world a safer place for us all.

The Peasants Are 'Revolting' !!

Well. Don't say i didn't tell you so .... but i told you so. Didn't i say a mass riot was on the cards. Yep!  That's because 99.9% of everything i say is always correct. It's called the voice of experience coupled with the accurate powers of observation [see my strapline above].

It's been on the cards since Christmas. Social unrest has spread throughout the western world, places like Algeria, Syria, Israel, Greece are just a few. Thinking that it would never happen in the UK is just pure folly. The only thing that surprised my good self about our own riots was the fake reason for it's inception.

Apparently some bloke in Tottingham got 'plugged' by the Five-0 so local thieves thought this would be a great time to go a looting down at their local JJB Sports. Such class! Now obviously i have [some] sympathy for the family of the dude that was pumped full of lead, but in the cold light of day it was probably all for the best. Lets face facts here, anyone who's dumb enough to carry a loaded handgun in public and then to dis-obey direct instructions from a team of armed response officers is probably better off making their contribution to society in other ways, like, perhaps being sprinkled over a bed of daffodils? It seems glaringly obvious that the best part of 'wannabe gangster' Mark Duggan ran down crack of his mothers arse and made a stain on the bed. Yeah i know, i nicked that line from Full Metal Jacket, but i think it's fitting all the same, don't you?

It always makes me laugh [in disgust] when i hear all the lame excuses trotted out by these Ferrel yoofs and community do-gooders. On the telly i heard one [could of been female, it's hard to tell these days] looting Kappa-Slappa from ' Larndan' say: ''am gerrin back some of me taxis'' which was a strange thing to say as she appeared to be the kind of benefit sponging scumbag that's never worked a day in her useless life, thus avoiding ever paying tax to start with. Excuses. Excuses. Social inequality, daddy in prison, lack of respect from elders, lack of jobs, yadda, yadda, yadda are a few more pitiful excuses used. But lets face it, who the hell would want to employ a tool that would go out robbing/ looting/committing arson and then be thick enough to post his own picture on the t'interweb showing off his swag? I doubt if it'll be long before the police feel his collar and hopefully a proper jail sentence will follow ... in a shared cell with a hairy guy called Big Leon who will take great pleasure feeling his collar once more .......... whilst splitting open his chocolate starfish during lights out!

[I hope the yellow tubs contain Vaseline, you're gonna need pots of the stuff. hhahah..]


I think the real reasons behind these riots can be put firmly at the door of Tony Blair and Simon Cowell. It's like this:

As soon as Tony Blair got into power he did nothing but throw money at lay-abouts and dole scroungers. He made the welfare state a way of life for millions when it should of only been a stop-gap until these people found jobs. Benefits were used to appease the underclasses, which is Okay when there's money in the pot to pay for it, but as we all know, the cupboard is bare, so the sh*t is now hitting the fan. Blair signed up to the Human Rights Act thus creating generations of delinquents who are more than happy to spout the phrase ''you can't touch me, i know my human rights'', as they're being arrested for mugging an old lady in the street. Blair dis empowered the Police and parents. Blair pandered to the PC brigade. He sucked-up to criminals. He jailed homeowners for defending their own property whilst giving [taxpayer funded] legal aid to hard done by crims. Anyone remember Norfolk farmer; Tony Martin?

Then there's that Simon Cowell. A man who's single handedly dumbed down the IQ of an entire nation thru his vile TV show/circus. He's spawned generations of spoilt, mealy mouthed rats who walk around,arse hanging out the back of their trousers, chip on shoulder, even though most, if not all, aren't even talented enough to flip burgers in a fast food restaurant slop house. We now see it acted out on the streets of the capital. Youngsters who have no boundaries or self respect for anything, looting shops because they want stuff, and they want it now, because the world owes them a living. Not! Whatever happened to working hard to get the things in life that you want. Whatever happened to getting better educated in order to get a better job, to buy nicer things, to live in a nicer home or neighbourhood instead of stealing/holding out the begging bowl or just being a complete arse. It seems people today want everything via the X Factor route, just laid out on a plate, zero effort, hook or by crook, sod everyone else.

ROGUES GALLERY.

POLICE SHOULD HAVE NO TROUBLE TRACKING DOWN THESE LOOTERS AS THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

NO, IT'S NOT THEIR POOR FASHION SENSE OR DAFT HAIRSTYLES.

 IT'S COS' THEY ARE UGLY BUGGERS!!

Being an experienced man of the world i know exactly how to deal with miscreants like those above. It quite simple, and goes a little something like this....

1. Scrap the Human Rights Act [aka - criminals charter].

2. Jail anyone using the facebook/ twitter/ myface to incite disorder on the streets [in my book, people who use these types of social media should be jailed anyway]

3. Jail anyone causing trouble on the streets, whether looting or antagonising the Police. [it doesn't matter about prison over crowding.10 to a cell is OK, just make them hot bunk]  

4. Jail anyone with ginger hair [it's my list, i can jail who i want] 

5. Stop ALL benefits to these criminals. I bet most have never worked a day in their lives. If they're still in some sort of education, kick them out and jail them. Why should my taxes be wasted on such vermin?

6. Anyone convicted of causing trouble should automatically be served an eviction notice on their rented/subsidised homes, even if they are not the tenancy holder. This might make parents wake up and take responsibility for their vile and disgusting offspring.

7. Let the Police - Police. Rubber bullets, water cannon, stun grenades, CS gas, baton charges the lot. Maybe even playing Leona Lewis records over a P.A system. On second thoughts scrap the Leona lewis thing. Not even someone as sadistic as Mr Heckles could be that heartless! 

8. Send in Chuck Norris!

9. Send in chuck Norris!

10. Send in Chuck Norris! 



Proper music...

.... from a talented chap with a fine head of hair!