Flaming July !

Being a man who has trained in the jungles of Borneo - hot weather is something a man of my calibre is more than used to, but this last couple of weeks in Blighty have been an absolute scorcher in more ways than one.

The Olympic Torch has be the main focus of attention this month. Have you seen it yet? I managed to see it the other day as it was on my way to the local chiropodists where i was having an ingrown toe nail dug out. Our torch bearer was a young filly [Doris, aged 63] from the Women's Institute, who, when wobbling down the high street was greeted by thousands of onlookers who were going absolutely berserk!! Methinks the same thing will happen when the torch passes through London's various 'inner' suburbs, although they'll be going crazy after mistaking the torch for a giant splif.

''Now, how do you spell the word: twat?''

Now there are two things that really get on my wick these days.

One of them is moronic fools who constantly wander around with a mobile phone/i-pad glued to their hand as though they're expecting a phone call from Her Majesty. These people are serious losers who have no social life or real-life friends and as such deserve to be clubbed over the head and robbed of their latest safety-blanket gizmo.


The other annoying thing is; non-brits muscling-in on OUR Olympic Games. What the hell was Tory snob; Seb Coe thinking, giving the torch to a bunch of tin pot, no-name, talentless Johnny Foreigners??? For Gods sake, next thing we know those skirt wearing jocks will be having a go. Well, just as long as it doesn't go over to Ireland as it'll definitely end up being weighed in for scrap.

The best Olympic story was regarding some silly woman who, whilst on holiday, decided after having the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch last month, to have a tattoo for posterity. Now i do realise that the weaker sex aren't always the sharpest tools in the box, but you'd think she'd check the spelling before the needles came out. Obviously this woman didn't get nominated because of having a high IQ. At least they can't get child birth wrong!

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Wise words from Mr Heckles....

''Choose friends for their looks and enemies for their intelligence''

We've Finally Wimbledone It !!!

Well what a fantastic week it's been for tennis. That young Federer chappy being roared on to victory and the woman with the massive bum winning too. Easily the highlight of Wimbledon week had to be Sheffield tennis player; Jonathan Marray, with his side-kick; Freddie Nielsen winning the mens doubles' title for the first time since 1936. Stirling stuff, as it's always good to see a 'real' Briton doing well.

It's just a shame my favourite player, the ever smiling; Sabine Lisicki didn't make it to the finals. Like most gents i've always been quite fascinated by female tennis players. I'm not sure if it's the way they catch and hold two balls at once, or because they've got highly developed forearms and a very firm grip!!!

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In the evenings, with curtains drawn and lights turned off, i've sometimes indulged in one of my guilty pleasures - no,no, not that guilty pleasure! I'm talking about watching; The Only Way Is Essex. A docu-soap about a bunch of mentally stunted, soft southern inbreds, who, despite having no visible means of income manage to while away their pitiful lives just lying on sunbeds, buying fake teeth, drinking Lambrini, waxing, shaving and having boob-jobs - and that's just the blokes.  

I read a story about one of the ahem!...''stars''... of the show who was mugged in central London the other week. The rather aptly named; Joey Essex [ironic, as that's the name of the show] was set upon by some ruffians and a Rolex watch costing £10,000 was ripped from his person. Police say they were unsure as to what he was most upset about - losing an expensive watch or the fact he'd only just learnt how to tell the time!