Lolita La Vida Loca !!

 

Megan Stammers -
 Not any more she doesn't!
 

Well the Daily Mail readers have been going into overdrive this past week as a teenage Lolita and her 30 year old maths teacher have eloped to France, and all because ''we want to be togetherrrr.'' The only thing I find disgusting about the story is - as though these teachers don't get enough bloody holidays already. Now they're having jaunts to France with free bump-n-grind with pupils thrown in to boot! Now I'm all in favour of one-on-one tuition but this is taking things a bit too far. Maybe they were preparing for an oral exam or maybe A-levels and needed some quality revision time?

 

 

Apparently, they made their escape by catching the ferry over to France. Hopefully it was a rough crossing, so they could hang  up a sign saying, ''if this boat's rocking, don't bother knocking.''

 

A short rope and a long drop...

 

Dirty old bugger: Jeremy Forrest has now been captured by French Police and is currently sitting in a cell in Baguette waiting to be extradited back to the UK. Legal Eagles said he could be back in Blighty in the next week or two - which begs the question that if they can extradite Forrest in such a short space of time then why after 6 years of wrangling and millions of pounds of taxpayers money is the dirty terrorist pig Hamsa still hanging around like a bad smell?

 

 

 

 

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As always, at the end of each blog I try and impart a spot of wisdom onto you all, in the form of my much heralded, ''WISE WORDS.''

 

'The best way to predict your future is to create it'

 

 

 

 

 

We've Finally Wimbledone It !!!

Well what a fantastic week it's been for tennis. That young Federer chappy being roared on to victory and the woman with the massive bum winning too. Easily the highlight of Wimbledon week had to be Sheffield tennis player; Jonathan Marray, with his side-kick; Freddie Nielsen winning the mens doubles' title for the first time since 1936. Stirling stuff, as it's always good to see a 'real' Briton doing well.

It's just a shame my favourite player, the ever smiling; Sabine Lisicki didn't make it to the finals. Like most gents i've always been quite fascinated by female tennis players. I'm not sure if it's the way they catch and hold two balls at once, or because they've got highly developed forearms and a very firm grip!!!

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In the evenings, with curtains drawn and lights turned off, i've sometimes indulged in one of my guilty pleasures - no,no, not that guilty pleasure! I'm talking about watching; The Only Way Is Essex. A docu-soap about a bunch of mentally stunted, soft southern inbreds, who, despite having no visible means of income manage to while away their pitiful lives just lying on sunbeds, buying fake teeth, drinking Lambrini, waxing, shaving and having boob-jobs - and that's just the blokes.  

I read a story about one of the ahem!...''stars''... of the show who was mugged in central London the other week. The rather aptly named; Joey Essex [ironic, as that's the name of the show] was set upon by some ruffians and a Rolex watch costing £10,000 was ripped from his person. Police say they were unsure as to what he was most upset about - losing an expensive watch or the fact he'd only just learnt how to tell the time!

Kicking The Bucket - Metaphorically And Quite Literally!

I
It's been a funny month or so for famous person deaths. First of all the lovely Donna Summer passed away from lung cancer at the spritely age of 63. Shortly followed by disco legend Robin Gibb who died of cancer complications at the age of 62. Then only t'uther week Brian Hibbard, the lead singer of 80's pop harmony group The Flying Pickets dies from prostate cancer aged 65.

It's always a shame when people that are so well-liked and talented pass away. Even more so when you consider the current crop of karaoke rejects that seem to come and go like a reoccuring case of hemorrhoids!! Still, i guess it's not all bad news.  Alex Salmons number one fan; Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi finally took the hint, curled up and died at his home in Tripoli. I reckon if ever there was a reason why ''You Should be Dancin,'' - that must be it.

I taught the boy everything he knows!

It just goes to show you never know when your number is up and those Pearly Gates are swinging open. All the more reason to make sure that bucket list gets a damn good kicking whenever possible.

Even as someone in their twilight years my own bucket has taken a few hits recently. Global travel, my trip to Moscow and the world famous Bolshoi. A parachute jump was also crossed-off the list some time ago. Okay, so i needed a medical where they did everything except shine a torch up my rectum, but it was a price worth paying and in a rather perverse way i almost enjoyed it... As for the parachute jump, well, lets just say it's not the first time i've been suspended in a harness, and i'm hoping it won't be the last. Ooh Matron!!

If you've been paying attention earlier [ if not - why not? ] you'll know i have my Saga holiday to New York lined up immediately after Christmas. It's a bit of a long shot, but the possibility of seeing Central Park in the snow has always captured my imagination ever since i was a wee slip of a lad. Also, visiting the very beautiful St. Petersburg and the Mariinski Theatre are other items that will hopefully get struck'un off the list in 2012 - fingers crossed. Admittedly, a costly exercise for someone on a meagre state pension and disability allowance, but as they always say ''you can't it with you'' which is technically correct, although Robert Maxwell had a damn good try.

The Church On Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg. Lovely! 

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As always, at the end of each blog i dispense pearls of wisdom to you all in the form of my much sought after: 'wise words'. Keeping with the current theme, i leave you with this nugget of wisdom.

''NOW is the best time to be alive - so don't be bored''