Monday, 18 November 2013

Happy Diwali and Bollywood Babes.

Oh my god, where has it all gone? I'm obviously talking about 2013, not my hairline!! Walking through the local shopping centre hearing Christmas music always brings home the fact the year is nearly over - why it only feels like 12 months ago since it all happened previously... funny that!

2013 has not only been my best year for yonks, but due to the sizeable increase in value of my Royal Mail shares it's been my most travelled. Literally been all over the place I have - just like George Michael's Range Rover!!

As always, the start of the year was spent pottering around with my walking stick in New York, and so much time has been spent at London's Royal Opera House that I'm thinking of applying for a job as an usherette. God help any of you scrotes that aren't back in your seats well before curtain up! Yes, many a fine evening has been spent luxuriating amongst the crushed red velvet, although seeing the touring Bolshoi Company had to be a low spot as they definitely picked their C-team whilst in the UK. As I can personally vouch - the only place to see the 'real' Bolshoi is in Moscow ....hmmmm ... it has been a while *scratches stubbly chin*

So anyway, t'uther week was Diwali (The Festival of Light) and thus decided the best place to spend it was in Mumbai - the home of Diwali - and why not, you may ask yourself? Why not indeed.

So ... at 2:00am, after spending 10 hours lazily stretched over 4 empty plane seats, eating really poor quality dehydrated food, I finally managed to totter down the steps onto the tarmac at Mumbai's Chatrapati Shivaji Airport. The first thing that hit me was the immense heat being given off by the 747 engines - only it wasn't the engines! .... it was 90 degrees at 2am in the f***king morning. Literally like someone was holding a blow torch in your face. I'm standing there holding my bag thinking, ''what the hell is wrong with this place? It's supposedly winter time, so why is it so bloody warm?''

Luckily, being an ex services man, the jungle training soon kicked in and decided to hot-foot it into the terminal.... where it was only about 89 degrees. Oh bugger!

Heckles 0 - Humidity 1.

Please note. For those people who've never been to India: everybody is 100% completely bonkers - remember that 'dosa' of information and you'll be okay. 

Heat aside, Mumbai is an interesting, bizarre and disturbing sort of place all rolled into one. A place where it's deemed acceptable for an entire family with some tarpaulin to live on the pavement - directly outside a showroom selling Rolls Royce's at £200,000 a go. We tend to think of British politicians being corrupt, but our lot must be amateurs compared to these guys. 
I had an entire week to sample the delights of Indian hospitality and would of done Michael Palin proud. Unfortunately, because India is predominantly Hindu, it meant juicy steaks and sausages were off the menu. To my mortal shame, I have to confess to seeking sustenance at a McDowell's in Colaba. Will I ever live down the shame??  
A little temple in the market area of Kalbadevi. Eat your heart out David Bailey.
Exploring the chaotic streets and colourful markets (bazaars) was fantastic. Everyone was busy going about their business earning a crust - unlike in the very southern part of Mumbai where most seemed to be begging. The temples (like the one above) were fantastic, all decked out in fairy lights and lanterns which could of given Blackpool Illuminations a serious run for their rupee's.

As I mentioned before, people in India are absolutely bonkers, but not as bonkers as Bollywood movies. There's must be a dozen cable TV channels showing these movies around the clock as people just couldn't get enough of them. Two bolly-blockbuster's were nearing release whilst I was there: Bullett Raja and Ram-Leela. Films so OTT the directors must of been higher than Simon Cowell's waistband. Unfortunately, as I quickly found out upon my arrival in Mumbai - Indian women bear little or no resemblance to the super hot, gazelle-like stunners you see in these Bollywood films. Oh well, one can dream...  
Absolutely stark raving mad, but highly entertaining.
Okay, even though I lost half my body weight in sweat, had to smother myself in mosquito repellent, couldn't find a chip shop anywhere, had to dodge meat flies / open sewers / street beggars and touts - I'm still thinking of organising another return trip for 2014 ...... well, not just yet, maybe when I come back from New York.   
Happy Diwali to all.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

British Is Best ... as always!

Over the last few months it's been proved once again that Great Britain is still the greatest nation on the planet. So much good stuff has happened that I've hardly had time to tend to my newly acquired allotment and Suffolk Colt lawnmower.

First of all there was Wimbledon. Who can forget the lovely Laura Robson getting knocked-out in the 4th round, which stopped her getting further than any other female Briton for over 29 years. There's something quite attractive about a young woman that can hold 2 tennis balls at once and have highly developed forearms..... Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how Laura progresses. Who knows, maybe 2014 could be the year we finally get our Wimbledon champion.

Tenuous link.. Australian born Gary Shearston. 1939 - 2013

Then we have England thrashing those Australian convicts in that Ashes Test... thingy. Now I'm not a man who bothers much with cricket as it's mainly just a bunch of Hooray Henry's and blokes standing around rubbing a ball over their crotches, but anything that puts our inbred little cousins firmly back in their place has to be a good thing.

Adding to that lot we also have Chris Froome winning the 100th Tour de Frogs Legs. A mighty achievement in itself, but even more so when you consider that Bradley Wiggins lifted the trophy last year - just before winning gold at OUR Olympics!! The only downside is that Froome and his team mates are sponsored by Tory puppet master Rupert Murdoch.

''Kill all Westerners.... but not before I get my housing benefit, tax credits, job seekers allowance, free healthcare...''

We also had the news that muslim terrorist/illegal immigrant; Michael Adebolajo [pictured above] got his front teeth knocked out whilst in prison. The vermin has ''alleged'' that his attackers were 5 prison guards. If found to be true, I find those events disturbing and quite sad. How on earth this group of burly guards didn't manage to break every bone in his vile body is a complete mystery. Best for everyone if he's sent back to his cell and given a long piece of rope to play with. If he's rubbish at tying knots then there's millions of people out there who would love to help him out.


Terrorist filth aside, so far the best event of 2013 has to be about 'our' Kate & Wills having their 1st baby - our future King. Yes, the entire country was glued to the telly for many hours as Kate puffed and panted in her private room at St Mary's Hospital, Paddington. Personally, I found the whole thing quite staggering - not because the super lovely couple had their baby, but, if recent census statistics are to be believed it would mean the future King George is one of only a few English babies to be born in the UK during 2013. 

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

A tale of two halves.. Time for a rant.

Being an experienced man of the world means I do like to get around a bit, and as such, like nothing more than sitting back on the train and watching the world wizz past - just as long as it's in 1st Class mind you. Yes, last week saw yet another posh theatre trip into London, courtesy of British Rail which couldn't of gone any better - apart from the return journey home.

So tell me, why is it that some people just can't sit still or quietly relax for 5 bleedin' minutes? Picture the scene, if you will. Ahem, a half empty carriage in 1st Class, yours truly [that's me btw] takes his seat, reclines seat, places theatre reading material on table for later, leans back and relaxes whilst patiently waiting for the train to move off - bliss!

Then, enter a really annoying guy who looked like he'd got dressed in the dark and plonked himself down with his bags in the seat directly in front of yours truly [that's me btw]. This guy spent the next 5 minutes extracting various items from his Tardis Bag resulting in his side of the table being covered in a vast array of food, beverages, cables, electrical devices and gizmo's.

For the entire journey this guy didn't sit still for one second. If he wasn't eating something he was drinking something from a polystyrene cup -  a cup that never seemed to become empty, or he was frantically tapping away on his computer like he was playing Daley Thompson's Decathlon game, or rummaging in his rucksack, or fiddling on his mobile, or selecting songs on his ipod, or inserting memory sticks here, there and everywhere. Arrrggghh!

This fiasco went on for nearly TWO HOURS. I really do wonder what this country has come to. Whatever happened to the good old days of quiet contemplation? Why do people feel the need to be doing something or always talking to someone? Methinks it's something to do with creating a generation of insecure, emotionally stunted people who need constant reassurance that their life has meaning whilst having their fragile ego's stroked on places like Fakebook, Twitter and blogs. Sort your bloody selves out!

Why do supermarket shoppers insist on putting bananas into carrier bags when they already come pre-wrapped?


Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Horses for Courses and Racists!!!

It's been a couple of weeks now, and the horse meat scandal is still 'galloping' along nicely. If you ask me, this story will 'run and run'. You could says it's got 'legs'. That's just one of the problems with people these days - too bloody lazy to do a spot of home cooking, preferring to buy pre-packaged ready meals. In my day, women knew how to rustle up a good hearty meal for thrupence - and if they didn't they got a thick ear!! These days them women are too busy sitting at bingo waving their bingo-wings and scoffing rubbish at McDowell's. That's the problem with all these women's lib types. Some might say my views are old fashioned and that I'm 'flogging' a dead horse or just 'nag'-ging, but I wouldn't want to be in their 'horse-shoes' when it all backfires.

Sources say the meat scandal has hit other products too. Apparently, traces of Zebra have been found in various pies. Food Standards bosses seem to think it's something to do with the barcodes on the packaging! Even the pub trade has been hit, with traces of Red Rum found in some optics!... sorry, I'll stop 'horseing around'! 


Now then, that story reminded me of a recent event - going from horses to people who eat like horses, ie: Americans! It's been just over a month since my bucket trip to New York and whilst I was there the funniest thing happened - something that could only happen in America. After a night-out at the theatre, I flicked on the local TV news only to see a report about a woman who fell through the pavement. At first I thought they were joking, until her weight was estimated at around 400Ibs!! So heavy they reckoned the fat on her body saved her from serious injury - like a big cushion. Although it still took the Fire Brigade many hours and a small crane got get her out. Only in America folks!
Yes, since you asked, my now annual, New Year Saga trip to the Big Apple was a major success - it's all in the planning don't ya know. That's one of the bonuses of being an ex-services man - military style planning! As previously mentioned before, the idea was to get there just as the snow was starting to fall, but sometimes the best laid plans don't come to fruition and I just got the cold snap instead. That said, it was a fabulous place to spend a week or so. My old war wound meant the subway was utilised to the full whilst visiting all the major sights with a grand total of 5 shows attended. At one particular show, called Avenue Q,  I even got 'mauled' by a puppet. Now luckily for him I've got a superb sense of humour otherwise my Attorney would of taken that goddam stinking son of a bitch [yes, him there, in the grey t-shirt] to the cleaners. pah!
With all the hustle and bustle new York has to offer means it's nice to do a spot of relaxing to re-charge the old batteries, which is where Central Park comes in handy. After having a gawp at John Lennon's memorial I spent a fabulous couple of hours sitting on a comfy seat overlooking the Ice Rink and doing at spot of reading. I'd taken with me probably the best book I've read so far in 2013 called 'Between The Assasinations' by Aravind Adiga. A truly great book with some fascinating stories of hardship, woven together by a genius of a writer.

After 8 days I was just about ready to come back to Blighty - as there's no place like home. Another trip to NY is planned for Jan 2014, but in order to stick to my resolutions from New Years 2012 I'll have to visit one place I've never been to first! St Petersburg and the Mariinski is high on the list as it got cancelled due to having an operation to get my hemorrhoids tied up. Other new destinations in the offing are: Paris, King Kong, Delhi or Mumbai. Unfortunately, all these places have one major problem - too many bloody foreigners.

The tree and rink at Bryant Park.
I thought they tasted a bit funny!

Empire State Building.
Central Perk..sorry.. Park!

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

That's a weight off my mind..

After a lot of straining, puffing and panting I've finally managed to empty my back passage! ....Tshh no, not that kind of back passage, you filthy blighters. It's that time of year when Mr H gives the homestead a good spring clean and throws out all that unwanted clutter and jumble. Why even the bedsheets got a good wash.... and they weren't even scheduled to be scrubbed until August. I think I might of become one of those TCP types, you know, where everything has to be super-duper clean.

As you know, I'm not a huge fan of the tellybox, much preferring a good book, but the other day I decided it might be quite nice to watch an episode of Eastenders - or was it because I was too damn lazy to get up for the remote? Anyway..... the last time I witnessed that much cobblers was when Gordon Brown promised, ''British jobs for British workers.'' In the space of 30 minutes I saw...

A ginger bloke wandering around covered in bruises. [Being London, it was probably a gang related drug deal gone wrong].
Another person got smacked in the mouth.
Another person caught cancer.
Another person got a marriage proposal.
And a really hot, nubile girl claimed undying love for a middle aged, chubby Postman. [Yeah, cos that always happens in real life..]

Not to mention all the constant screaming and shouting throughout the soap show.

My god, I know it's rough in London, but surely it ain't that bad. I remember back in the olden days when we had proper telly. None of this shouting rubbish at each other nonsense. Now then, Emmerdale Farm was far more interesting. Nobody had affairs, got beaten up or got cancer. It focused on real issues like; lambing season, sheep shearing, Mat & Dolly and of course Mr Wilks and Amos Brearly down at t' Woolpack quietly smoking their pipes - and all without a smutty joke or homosexual in sight. Them were the days, them were.... them were the days. 

Wednesday, 13 February 2013


Well, well. After 8 years in the gilded hot-seat, one of the most uncharismatic persons alive has finally decided to quit. Yup, Commandant Benedict Ratzinger, has resigned, sighting old age and ill health - or maybe he just looked in the mirror and didn't like what he saw?
Never before has one man done so much to deflect, hide and cover up a global child sex offenders network stretching back many decades. That's thousands and thousands of children all around the globe repeatedly raped and abused [with many committing suicide as a result] and the Hitler Youth Pontiff did next to nothing to stop it happening or bring the perverts to justice. Those who were judged by him and his cronies of committing offences were moved to different parishes [to no doubt start praying on a new flock] and the victims were instructed to keep their mouths firmly shut.
It's my understanding that people who have knowledge of crimes and do nothing, or try to conceal evidence are clearly guilty of aiding and abetting, and as such are liable for prosecution. Unfortunately for us decent folk, when a paedophiles best friend happens to be the head of a cult with 1 billion followers [about the same amount as the audience for The Eurovision Song Contest] you can get away with absolutely anything.
Why Heir Flick wasn't immediately arrested when he stepped foot on British soil in 2010 is anyone's guess. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that UK politicians were scared he'd drop them in it, as there are plenty of allegations bubbling about paedophile sex rings in Westminster. And don't even get me started on why he forbid people in HIV ravaged Africa to wear condoms or the fact that women who are raped are banned from getting abortions in S**thern Irel**d.

Yes, this git is a real danger to public health on every level. When he dies - he will answer to God for his crimes against humanity, which is just as well because no-one has the balls to do it while he's alive.


Sunday, 20 January 2013

Where's It All Gone?

We all know that time passes faster the older you get, that's very fast for me, but I'm quite shocked that 2012 has flown by already and 2013 is now doing the same. Can you believe there's only 338 days till Christmas?! It's gone so fast I couldn't even find the time to do my yearly round-up of what's been happening around the globe and which politicians were the biggest thieves.
All in all, it was a good year, I think. Especially as my hemorrhoids got sorted out once and for all and the old war wound to that bullet grazed testicle, sustained against the Bosch has been quiet of late! Anyway..... 2012 saw many highlights for the people of Blighty.
Who can forget our hosting of the best ever Olympic Games. How they managed to get the Queen to skydive out of that helicopter I'll never know. Personally, I think it was fake, because Liz simply wouldn't of had enough time to get into her seat for the opening ceremony.
'Pasty Gate' and 'Pleb Gate' were other corkers. Starbucks defrauding the taxpayer, along with dozens of other high street businesses, not to mention various celebrities like Jimmy Carr and Gary 'boring' Barlow. Tax breaks being given to the richest people in society, whilst everyone else had to tighten their belts another notch.
2012 also saw the release of a couple of new movies - blue movies, to be precise. And pretty pathetic they were too. Hulk Hogan pulled off a few moves on some botox'd cougar whilst a chavette judge from Z-Factor proved she has zero talent in all departments. The filthy buggers!!
Other things of a royal 'nature' were the Queen's Jubilee to celebrate her 60 years on the throne, which is a feat in itself - I once spent 2 long hours on the throne due to a slightly iffy chicken curry purchased from the local Chinese takeaway. Also the super-lovely, everybody's-favourite-couple; Kate and Wills announced the forthcoming pitter-patter of tiny feet. Although to be fair I was kind of annoyed at first, as this now completely rules out any chances of Kate and I getting it together. Still, there's always Pippa :) 
2012 has been a great year for Mr Heckles - probably one of the best. After making a few resolutions at the start of the year, things motored along swimmingly. Even for a pensioner, life can be stressful, so I decided to eliminate as much of it as possible, strike things off my to-do list, spend less time on the interweb and try to get out-and-about with the local Darby and Joan Club. Simple things I know, but sometimes they're the most rewarding.
As a result, just the other day I was trying to pick out my own highlights of 2012. It took a while, although that might of been due in no small part to the early stages of Alzheimer's!
In 2012 the best book I've possibly ever read came my way. Last Man In Tower by Aravind Adiga was quite litterally, brilliant. A common tale of the world we live in. A world where money and possesions are put before happiness and well-being. And a world where people who purport friendship can sometimes be the first in line to stab you in the back! Serious stuff, but expertly written.
In May - Hobbling [walking stick in hand] across the cobbles of Moscow's Red Square, seeing the vibrant colours of St Basil's Cathedral and spending a couple of evenings feeding my passion for the arts at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre were, as you'd probably agree, all at the top of the list.... until October. The sale of an old mobility scooter meant monies were freed up for a few days sightseeing in London and a jolly good time was had. The final evening was crowned by what can only be universally described as: The greatest performance of Swan Lake - ever!! 
In 2012 I'd been lucky enough to rack-up a total of 8 trips to the theatre with 3 of them being for Swan Lake - the ultimate love story. Yes I know, I'm just a big softy under this hard, rugged, macho, wrinkled exterior. Ahem, anyway..... back to the story. Right...okay. This was something special, something I'd been waiting to see for many years. World Number 1, Marianela Nunez playing the role of: Odile/Odette at The Royal Opera House here in London. More often than not, people or things you really wish for rarely live up to expectations, but this far exceeded anything I could of hoped for, x10. It was soo good I almost wished I hadn't seen it, because I quickly realised it's now doubtful that I'll ever see a performance delivered with such power, perfection and passion ever again.
 But that doesn't mean I won't keep trying in 2013 :)
Simply the best. Bravo!!!

Saturday, 5 January 2013

E-Quality Street.

Even though Christmas has just passed, the Quality Street scoffed, you'd think the weaker sex would be happy for once in their lives. Well it would seem not! For yonks, women have been moaning about equal rights, and a soon as the E.U says the insurance companies must charge women the same rates as the men [who are much better drivers] they start complaining. British women should thank their lucky stars they've got it so cushy. Over there in India they throw their women under the bus - and no, that's not a euphemism for something else!

A Woman's Guide To Car Driving.

Get in car.
Close door.
Adjust seat.
Adjust mirrors.
Check hair.
Check make-up.
Check mobile phone.
Fasten seat belt.
Re-check make-up.
Re-check hair.
Start car.
Select 1st gear.
Drive away.
Select 2nd gear.
Release handbrake!

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Agony Uncle.


Dear Agony Uncle.

Last Wednesday I left for work at the usual time with briefcase [containing ham salad and a strawberry yoghurt ] in hand. I had just turned left onto the High Street when the car came to a juddering halt. No matter what I tried it wouldn't start and a passerby suggested it may be a fuel blockage. Anyway, we pushed it onto the verge to free up the traffic flow and then I walked up the hill to go back home. My wife obviously wasn't expecting me as, when I stepped through the back door into the kitchen, I was horrified to hear noises of 'lusting passion' coming from the lounge. The door was slightly ajar so I took a deep breath and peeked inside. There was my wife, naked as a Jaybird, locked in a passionate embrace with the young, good looking, tattoo covered body-builder from next door. What am I to do?

Yours with the utmost discretion,

Mr. P

Dear Brian Pettigrew.

I have given this matter a great deal of thought. Fuel flow issues are quite common nowadays so I suggest you check the fuel line and carburettor for debris first. If these are clear I suggest you take it to a garage then start using an 'in tank fuel injector cleaner' to avoid it happening again.

Yours faithfully,

Agony Uncle.

As always, at the end of each enthralling blog I try and impart a small nugget of wisdom on those of you less intellectually gifted than myself.
''The problem with people who mean everything they say is; they believe others do the same.''

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Ups and downs, and political clowns.

Not only has it been a busy old week for me, but also for that wooden clog wearing Felix Baumgartner, who skydived from a height of 24 miles! Apparently, just before he jumped from his little capsule he shouted ''I can see my house from here!'' 

During his freefall, Felix reached speeds of around 820mph, which by a strange coincidence is exactly the same speed a British M.P hits whilst putting in a claim for expenses. Shortly after parachuting back down to terrafirma, Mr Baumgartner held a press conference for the waiting ....err.... press. Felix said that during his descent, he was ''spinning perilously out of control, drifting in and out of conciousness and wasn't sure if he'd survive.'' I guess now he knows what it's like to be David Cameron!
It's been reported that government borrowing is still increasing despite all the austerity measures, or what normal people would call cut-backs, implemented by the Nasty Party. Now personally, I can't see where they're going wrong....
1.They've slashed the welfare budget by billions, hitting hard the most vulnerable in society. Home Helps cut. Day Care Centres for handicapped people - closed....etc
2. They've stood back whilst: gas, electric, water rates, fuel, food and consumables have gone through the roof, whilst ordinary workers pay has been frozen or slashed to the bone [that's if they're lucky enough to still have a job].
3. Multinational companies have been let-off paying mega billions owed in tax arrears - that's if they actually pay any tax at all, like: Starbucks, Next, Boots, Amazon - to name just a few.
4. They've handed contracts worth billions to foreign companies whilst putting our own workforce on the dole - even though our products were of a superior quality and offered better value for money.

5. They've handed over taxpayers money to fund Syrian ''rebels'' only to now realise what we all knew from the very start of the conflict - that the so-called ''rebels'' are infact hardline islamic terrorists trying to overthrow a legitimate government by starting another jihad. 
6. And they've even given a tax-cut to the richest people in the country! ..... and we're still up to our necks in it. Maybe it's time the poor should start thinking about tightening their belts again?? 
Last week, Aaron Cawley found himself getting 14 weeks banged-up in the 'Big Hooose' as Jim McDonald always called it. Yes, whilst 'mullered' during a football match, he ran onto the pitch and slapped the young, strapping, 6ft 3in Sheffield goalkeeper who, as you'd expect, immediately crashed to the floor as though a grand piano had been pushed from Felix Baumgartner's hot air balloon and landed on his noggin.
14 weeks in jail for this.

 Now, contrast that sentence with the one handed out to the career criminal who ripped the walking crutches from Angus Wittall, aged 15 - and proceeded to beat him half to death with those crutches leaving him bleeding as he lay on the floor at local park in Northamptonshire. The 'powers that be' decided his attacker needed no more than a warning!!!
Just a 'warning' for his attacker!
So, that's 14 weeks in jail for slapping a 100k a week footballer - versus a ticking-off for beating someone half to death. A cynical person might say the law in this country is only here to protect the rich and famous in society..... I couldn't possibly pass comment. 
As per usual, at the end of each rant .... or erm... blog, I bestow on you all a spot of much needed wisdom, in my universally trumpeted  'Wise Words.' 
''Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.''