Reality bites..

Whatever happened to proper telly?

I remember those nights after a hard days toil down at t' allotment. Coming home being greeted by our Gert with a bottle of stout, some ham & eggs for tea and then settling back into my favourite armchair for a spot of evening telly. The 'yoof' of today don't know what they're missing. Proper telly back then you know. The Generation Game with Larry 'shut that door' Grayson, Blankety Blank and Beadle's About. All compulsive viewing. What do we get nowadays? Just cheap, boring rubbish aimed at the chav / giro baby generation. Luckily for me, being a senior citizen makes me exempt from paying the licence fee, thank God. Just a quick squint down the TV listings page reveals a plethora of vulgar, insipid reality TV shows such as... Britain's Best Butcher. Celebrity Chain Smokers. The Farm (see pic). The Salon. Celebrity masterchef. Come Dancing. Britain's Best Vet. Big Brother. Stars On Ice. Hell's Kitchen. Pop Factor.

To be frank (that's not my name btw) i've had enough of this bilge and will be contacting my local MP- George Galloway, to complain in the strongest terms possible. It's an outrage i tell you, and i'm taking a stand on this matter, even if it kills me!

What's that you say.

''there's another reality show just started, it's called 'Pop Star to Opera Star' hosted by the lovely Katherine Jenkins.''

Well, i for one won't be coerced into viewing this 'crud'. All those years spent fighting in the war relying on hand to hand combat in the jungle (never once folding under torture) means i'm made of stronger stuff, i'll have you know.

Now..... where the flaming hell did i put the TV Times!! *cough*

Oooh i've still got it Patsy, it never left me.

It's finally arrived !!

I've been waiting for some time and now it's here. I'm of course talking about my zit! Boy it's big (not often i say that). I think it has it's own micro climate. So big i can see it as i look downwards. Fantastic. Those annoying teenagers get spots and i'm gonna wear mine with pride, really show it off like an Olympic gold medal ... 'bruv'.

Maybe i'm starting to regain my youth? Kipper ties, Kevin Keegan style perm, winkle-pickers and oodles of pent up sexual frustration! If i'm honest i haven't changed that much from my days as a young whippersnapper. Yep you're right, i used to cut quite a figure down at the 'Talk Of The Town' and Gaumont come friday night. Sigh.. who am i kidding, those days are long gone just like the shoes, ties and my olde footballer's perm (these days i'd happily settle for just something to comb) and the sexual frustration ... yep ... that's still going strong!!

I guess there are some things in life that never change..

We're all doomed !!!

Well i couldn't believe my 'mince pies'. The shelves at the local shop had been stripped bare. Outside i heard a commotion. People running around like headless chickens. A woman ran across the street screaming like a mad banshee then proceeded to set herself on fire!! (OK, a slight exaggeration there). What was happening? A nuclear war perhaps or maybe the arrival of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse?!! Err... no, a few flakes of snow falling from the sky. What's wrong with people these days? Have all those years slobbing out on greasy take-away meals watching rubbish reality TV gone and dissolved people's backbones?

When i was a lad, i'd walk miles to get to school in PROPER snow. Not once was my school closed. The heating always worked, most of the teachers made it into class (no fancy 4x4's in them days) and Ted the Caretaker would cut a deep channel through the snow and grit the paths... all before 8:30am. Nowadays teachers (and kids) will use any excuse for a day off. Clearly the 10-12 weeks holiday they already get during the rest of the school year isn't enough.

Churchill would be turning in his grave if he could see the state this country is in. I say what's needed is a dose of National Service. By Jove, that would straighten up those backbones and sort out them hoodie ruffians. Yes, it never did me or my chums any harm. Although Corporal Dobson did get bayonet'd in the testicles during a drunken prank in the army mess hall .. !!?

The heat is on. Well nearly..

I'm not happy!!

Unbelievable but true. My usual bubbly persona has all but evaporated. Shock horror. But why, you may ask?

Well.... About 6 months ago 'Colin' the combi-boiler coughed and spluttered his last few droplets of hot water and passed away. Bless him. Me being a bloke, i've long since decided things like: toothpaste, deodorant, new clothes, hot water and central heating are the preserve of rich people and as such extravagant luxuries i could easily do without. Afterall, people did OK without these little things a 100 years ago, so what's the big deal?

Everything was going fine until this December when the cold spell hit. As you know, i'm not one for complaining but i was starting to feel the heat a little (or should that be- cold?). No problem. What's wrong with wearing a bobble hat in bed, it's not a fashion parade is it? And besides, in a few days the weather will be back to normal. The Government are always going on about global warming and stuff. Surely they wouldn't lie to people just to rake in more taxes, would they?


Fast forward to the New Year. It's now the coldest spell we've had for about 200 years but i'm still remaining strong, holding out for warmer weather but by now Casa Heckles is like a f-f-f-flaming ice-box. So cold infact (ironically) the fridge freezer has stopped working, gone into hibernation mode. Who's ever heard of it being to cold for a fridge? You'd of thought they'd love it, you know, less work to do.

So now the man that couldn't be beaten by the Luftwaffe and Hitler has admitted defeat to a defrosting fridge. Ohh the shame! I've now got to wait untill next week for installation (you see, it'll be warm outside by then). As i said before, i just don't like frittering away hard earned cash on expensive, frivolous luxuries that aren't necessary. If George Best was alive i'd sell him a kidney because it's costing me 3o cups of tea and circa £1700!! Oh well, bang goes that new pool table for the front bedroom.. pfffft

What's it all about. Alfie?

Don't call me Alfie, that's not my name.

It's Heckles, Mr.Heckles to you!

So what's it all about, blogging that is? Is it just for needy computer geeks who've grown tired of looking at porn all day or people on the dole with too much free time? Who knows? Who cares? One thing is for sure. Most blogs seem to be written by the dullest of people regarding the most inane and tedious of subject matter. My aim is to continue this modus operandi with vigour!