Auld Langs ..... Sigh!!!

So you can really tell it's getting towards the end of the year, as around this time you see lots of out of shape, couch potatoes chucking their guts up, red faced and blundering down the street as they plan to be the new Paula Radcliffe.

That's the trouble with people these days. They spend all year gorging on lard pies and cakes then have a heart whilst trying to loose half their body weight in a fortnight. By god, when me and my company were ninja training in the jungles of Borneo we really knew how to be in tune with our bodies and senses. Many a time hand-to-hand combat was fought in total darkness, a man had to be in a total state of awareness and harmony with one's surroundings, or to the uncouthed layman on the street .... ''unagi''

That's the good thing about being a tightfisted Scrooge over Christmas. Zero weight gain! Not just a hat rack my friend, not just a hat rack. Although being totally honest i did throw caution to the wind and by a box of mince pies last week, well, they were on special offer. So you see, even Mr Heckles can splash the cash occasionally. Hey!!... you filthy minded toe-rags, i said 'splash the cash' .... not...!

I know it's hard to believe but, i'm not much of a fan of Christmas or New Years. I think it must stem from my childhood, as the working poor we had to make do with very little. Not like kids today who think they're hard-done-by if they don't get a room full of computer gizmo's and a miniature pony that sh*ts gold sovereigns. When you get to my age it just means another year has passed you by, with a broken heart and a painful death just that little bit closer.



 New Years resolutions are another pain in the derriere. Normally i don't bother as i'm pretty much perfect. But i guess there's always room for improvement, so keeping my nails shorter and refraining from nibbling the ends of my fingers [that part of the human body doesn't have a specific name] when i'm under intolerable pressure. It'll be a tough challenge but being a man of courage and moral fortitude doesn't come easy. I have also decided to see the world a bit more. Admittedly, a war pension doesn't stretch far these days, especially when you consider how much poor people like me have to subsidise the corrupt bankers in Canary Wharf. I reckon if i turn off the central heating, live in just one room of the house and eat cheapy baked beans for breakfast, dinner and tea, i should be able to afford it. Eating all those beans will probably mean i don't need need the heating on anyway, crikey, it'll be like a scene out of Blazing Saddles!!!!!

Moscow [that's in Russia btw] is a place i've longed to visit. The Kremlin and St. Basil's Cathedral are just two of the many fascinating places i'd love to have a nosey around. The only real problem in can envisage is the language barrier. I've already learnt a spot of Russian. ''Neit''... it means ''NO''. Yup, not just a pretty face you know. Unfortunately the phrase; ''bugger off before i hit you with my walking stick'' doesn't translate very well.  Why they can't all speak English is beyond me. How bloomin' rude is that? That's the trouble when you start travelling abroad, them foreigner's, they're such an ignorant bunch of комуністи !!!

Phew !!!!

So many things have been happening in the last few weeks it's getting hard to keep track at times.

I read an article the other day about a drunken youth in Bolivia who jumped into a river and was eaten alive by piranha fish. That story really gave me the willies as i was thinking about treating myself to one of those fish-pedicures down at the local shopping centre!! Looks like those bunions will have to wait a bit longer. here.

As you know, i always like to observe things, people and places, probably because names, numbers and dates just fly straight out of my head. Why, a few years ago i nearly forgot my own birthday, although it'll be a long time before i forget the last one, lol. Just the other day i observed a woman sitting in her posh BMW who was, bold as brass, greedily picking her nose ... and eating it! Dirty woman or is it just a BMW driver thing? It amazes me how drivers think they're invisible when sitting behind the wheel? 

As you know, i'm not a big fan of politicians. If i had my way they'd all be pinned to the front of a 4x4, but i guess i'm just a big softie. So the events of late have given me some cause to re-evaluate things. Seeing that Tory scumbag Cameron stick two fingers up and saying a big fat NO to the 'white-flag' brigade in Europe makes me proud to be British. Those dimwitts on the continent already have too much say in how this country is run, mainly thanks to spineless Blair and Brown. Europe has gone tits-up so why do we want them controlling our taxes, spending ..... and debts.... that the greedy thieves in London created.... leaving the weak and vulnerable to repay, as always.

World leaders are currently jumping up and down about nasty Iroonis developing nuclear power. Tighter and tighter sanctions are being imposed with foreign embassys being closed down and flags being burned in the street. Ooh scarey!! Well if leaders want Iran to be brought to its knees within the next few months then all they have to do is convince Mr Armadinejad to join the single currency. That should about do it.

It's a kind of magic.

I dunno, I have a few weeks off from blogging and the whole place starts going pear shaped. Can't I leave you lot alone for just five minutes??

If you've been reading the papers of late; crazy things have been happening recently, not only to my good-self, but events of global cataclysmic magnitudes!! But seeming as this blog is all about ''me, me, me''- we'll deal with my musings first, they're far more important.

Anyway....... I'm starting to think I may have developed super-powers, because in the space of a week i've sat and watched three women [of varying degrees of hotness] fall flat on their arses.

The 1st one was using a swing [no, not a sex swing!], a swing on a park, went too high [for a female] and came flying off, legs akimbo and hit the dirt, hard.

The 2nd one was elegantly strolling across a set of congested traffic lights and somehow manage to get her flip-flopped foot caught up in the hem of her baggy/floaty trousers and went sprawling, big time! How embarrassing! I would of wet myself laughing but for the fact she was really, really hot. Well, I don't want to ruin my chances....

The 3rd one was this annoying woman at Asda. There was little old me trying to pull out of my parking space when this pram-faced/tracksuit wearing/slummy mummy walked in front of my car, ''women, always getting in the flaming way'' i muttered to myself. Just then [in a car park the size of half a dozen football pitches] she trod and slipped on a banana skin. She managed to pull off a somersault so perfect even Tom Daley would of been proud. I'll have to give her some credit as she quickly got back up onto her feet, probably cussing me as she limped off. lol.

Now, with the first 2, I thought ''that's a bit of a coincedence'', but when the 3rd one happened I started to think something spooky was taking place. The only rational explanation I can come up with is this; due to my increased levels of intelligence, sexiness and charisma, these traits have now manifested themselves into the form of Telekinesis. For those of you that are unaware [or uneducated] what it means is; the power to control objects remotely, using brainwaves!! Why this special gift from the heavens has only just started revealing itself is a mystery to me. Since the age of  13 i've been concentrating intensely on the female cleavage hoping those pesky blouse buttons will come flying off, but to no avail.


Then, just the other day, major news. It was splashed all over the newspapers, people celebrating, gathering in the streets, chanting and cheering, all because afters years of living under oppression and misery they'd finally heard the news they'd been longing to hear. Yes, you've guessed it; Steps are getting back together!! My God, I was soo happy I nearly rushed out into the street and emptied my Kalashnikov !!!   And before you ask, no, that's not a euphemism for something else. You filthy buggers!

Hmmm ....... if i stare hard enough at Lisa Scott-Lee's blouse ...?

New York, New York.

Well, i don't know about you miserable lot but i'm sick to death about all this digital switchover gubbins. Everytime i switch on the telly there are even more flaming adverts for the thing. Bonkers! In the past couple of months i've had to reset my digibox more times than Ulrika Jonhsons nose !

Anyway...... It came to a head the other day with all the faffing and stuff. Nearly ended up missing my favourite day-time TV show: Real Fishwives Of New York City. Whaaat? For those people who haven't witnessed the delights of this recent US import it's about a bunch of wealthy, self-obsessed, insecure, loud-mouthed, backstabbing housewives. The only thing these so-called friends seem to have in common is; they all live in swanky condos [??], wear swanky clothes and eat at swanky restaurants yet none of them seem to have any definable means of income, coupled with the fact they've all been under the surgeons knife yet somehow have skillfully managed to master the art of looking 10 to 15 years older than they should. Characters include:

Bethanny Frankel [yes, that's a real name!].A woman who lives in a flat the size of rabbit hutch and has had so much botox in her face it doesn't even move when she sneezes.

Alex and Simon. Two people joined at the hip who continually insist on getting their straggly haired kid [Francoise, yes that's a real name!] to speak French. God only knows why, they don't even speak that language in France! [yes, that's a real country!] Alex is the painfully skinny, doting wife who bears a passing resemblance to Nicole Kidman, albeit a very poor version, if that's possible. And Simon.... a man who likes to wear Speedos!!!  I'll say no more. 

The posh one who likes to be known at all times as: Countess Luann De Lesseps. All fur coat and no knickers if you ask me. A woman who claims to be a normal, grounded, unpretentious person despite her high faluting title. A title she got by marrying some guy who came from some insignificant European country that nobody has heard of, that, whilst back in World War 2 probably got steam-rollered by Nazi paratroopers in around the time it takes to boil a kettle.

As i mentioned, Luann loves using her title nearly as much as she likes hearing others use it. On a recent outing with Botox Bethanny, Luann was introduced to the immigrant chauffeur merely as ''Luann.'' A conversation quickly ensued in the back of the car [in earshot of said chauffeur] with Luann saying she prefered the ''hired help'' to address her as Countess De Lesseps. Oh merci me!! All this snobbery backfired at The Hamptons whilst on the phone trying to order pizza for her equally snobby kids. It went something like this, ahem .....

                                    Her:  'i'd like to order 2 cheese and tomato pizzas'

                                    Pizza guy:  'what name is it'

                                    Her:  'Mrs De Lesseps ........... Countess De Lesseps'

                                    Pizza guy:  ....'who?'

Snakes alive, did i laugh or what. You just can't script that kinda stuff. Okay, so the show has got more cheese than a tramps cock, but you just can't argue with comedy gold like that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. One of those rare moments in history where everyone remembers exactly where they were at the time.

George Bush Jnr was talking to a group of school children. Me, well i'd just come in from the garden, flicked on the telly, saw the first tower in flames and thought it was a trailer for a soon-to-be-released blockbuster movie. I guess it must of took a minute or two for the penny to drop .... and my jaw to follow. Helplessly watching those poor souls hanging out of the windows unable to get to safety and the firefighters who where climbing the stairs to rescue people made my heart sink, as it still does today.       

It's amazing that it's been 10 years, time passes so quickly these days, but for many people the wounds haven't healed. I'd hope the relatives, friends and colleagues could take some comfort in the knowledge that their loved ones didn't die in vain but have helped make the world a safer place for us all.

The Peasants Are 'Revolting' !!

Well. Don't say i didn't tell you so .... but i told you so. Didn't i say a mass riot was on the cards. Yep!  That's because 99.9% of everything i say is always correct. It's called the voice of experience coupled with the accurate powers of observation [see my strapline above].

It's been on the cards since Christmas. Social unrest has spread throughout the western world, places like Algeria, Syria, Israel, Greece are just a few. Thinking that it would never happen in the UK is just pure folly. The only thing that surprised my good self about our own riots was the fake reason for it's inception.

Apparently some bloke in Tottingham got 'plugged' by the Five-0 so local thieves thought this would be a great time to go a looting down at their local JJB Sports. Such class! Now obviously i have [some] sympathy for the family of the dude that was pumped full of lead, but in the cold light of day it was probably all for the best. Lets face facts here, anyone who's dumb enough to carry a loaded handgun in public and then to dis-obey direct instructions from a team of armed response officers is probably better off making their contribution to society in other ways, like, perhaps being sprinkled over a bed of daffodils? It seems glaringly obvious that the best part of 'wannabe gangster' Mark Duggan ran down crack of his mothers arse and made a stain on the bed. Yeah i know, i nicked that line from Full Metal Jacket, but i think it's fitting all the same, don't you?

It always makes me laugh [in disgust] when i hear all the lame excuses trotted out by these Ferrel yoofs and community do-gooders. On the telly i heard one [could of been female, it's hard to tell these days] looting Kappa-Slappa from ' Larndan' say: ''am gerrin back some of me taxis'' which was a strange thing to say as she appeared to be the kind of benefit sponging scumbag that's never worked a day in her useless life, thus avoiding ever paying tax to start with. Excuses. Excuses. Social inequality, daddy in prison, lack of respect from elders, lack of jobs, yadda, yadda, yadda are a few more pitiful excuses used. But lets face it, who the hell would want to employ a tool that would go out robbing/ looting/committing arson and then be thick enough to post his own picture on the t'interweb showing off his swag? I doubt if it'll be long before the police feel his collar and hopefully a proper jail sentence will follow ... in a shared cell with a hairy guy called Big Leon who will take great pleasure feeling his collar once more .......... whilst splitting open his chocolate starfish during lights out!

[I hope the yellow tubs contain Vaseline, you're gonna need pots of the stuff. hhahah..]


I think the real reasons behind these riots can be put firmly at the door of Tony Blair and Simon Cowell. It's like this:

As soon as Tony Blair got into power he did nothing but throw money at lay-abouts and dole scroungers. He made the welfare state a way of life for millions when it should of only been a stop-gap until these people found jobs. Benefits were used to appease the underclasses, which is Okay when there's money in the pot to pay for it, but as we all know, the cupboard is bare, so the sh*t is now hitting the fan. Blair signed up to the Human Rights Act thus creating generations of delinquents who are more than happy to spout the phrase ''you can't touch me, i know my human rights'', as they're being arrested for mugging an old lady in the street. Blair dis empowered the Police and parents. Blair pandered to the PC brigade. He sucked-up to criminals. He jailed homeowners for defending their own property whilst giving [taxpayer funded] legal aid to hard done by crims. Anyone remember Norfolk farmer; Tony Martin?

Then there's that Simon Cowell. A man who's single handedly dumbed down the IQ of an entire nation thru his vile TV show/circus. He's spawned generations of spoilt, mealy mouthed rats who walk around,arse hanging out the back of their trousers, chip on shoulder, even though most, if not all, aren't even talented enough to flip burgers in a fast food restaurant slop house. We now see it acted out on the streets of the capital. Youngsters who have no boundaries or self respect for anything, looting shops because they want stuff, and they want it now, because the world owes them a living. Not! Whatever happened to working hard to get the things in life that you want. Whatever happened to getting better educated in order to get a better job, to buy nicer things, to live in a nicer home or neighbourhood instead of stealing/holding out the begging bowl or just being a complete arse. It seems people today want everything via the X Factor route, just laid out on a plate, zero effort, hook or by crook, sod everyone else.

ROGUES GALLERY.

POLICE SHOULD HAVE NO TROUBLE TRACKING DOWN THESE LOOTERS AS THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

NO, IT'S NOT THEIR POOR FASHION SENSE OR DAFT HAIRSTYLES.

 IT'S COS' THEY ARE UGLY BUGGERS!!

Being an experienced man of the world i know exactly how to deal with miscreants like those above. It quite simple, and goes a little something like this....

1. Scrap the Human Rights Act [aka - criminals charter].

2. Jail anyone using the facebook/ twitter/ myface to incite disorder on the streets [in my book, people who use these types of social media should be jailed anyway]

3. Jail anyone causing trouble on the streets, whether looting or antagonising the Police. [it doesn't matter about prison over crowding.10 to a cell is OK, just make them hot bunk]  

4. Jail anyone with ginger hair [it's my list, i can jail who i want] 

5. Stop ALL benefits to these criminals. I bet most have never worked a day in their lives. If they're still in some sort of education, kick them out and jail them. Why should my taxes be wasted on such vermin?

6. Anyone convicted of causing trouble should automatically be served an eviction notice on their rented/subsidised homes, even if they are not the tenancy holder. This might make parents wake up and take responsibility for their vile and disgusting offspring.

7. Let the Police - Police. Rubber bullets, water cannon, stun grenades, CS gas, baton charges the lot. Maybe even playing Leona Lewis records over a P.A system. On second thoughts scrap the Leona lewis thing. Not even someone as sadistic as Mr Heckles could be that heartless! 

8. Send in Chuck Norris!

9. Send in chuck Norris!

10. Send in Chuck Norris! 



Proper music...

.... from a talented chap with a fine head of hair!

The Lottery Of Life.

I examined myself last night! No, not like that, i'd need a mirror if i did. I'm talking in a sort of metaphorical sense. I'll explain, 'cough.'

Whilst doing my weekly shop on Wednesday i decided to buy a Lotto ticket for that evenings draw. Normally i don't bother, as luck and good fortune only happen to other less deserving people and besides, the woman who works in the Asda kiosk is a reet miserable bugger [and you know how much i hate whingers] and therefore try to avoid her like the plague. Her resemblance in looks and charisma to that of Madge from TV show 'Benidorm' is scaringly uncanny!!

Anyway..... due to various appointments and having to attend my local health clinic to get an abscess drained it was late Thursday night before i managed to get the time to check my 'lucky' numbers. Now i know it's shaky ground to be on but the jackpot lolly had already been mentally spent, well, everyone does it. A new hip, a Stannah stair lift, some pectoral implants [don't ask] or a full size pool table that i'd promised myself, that was before the old combi boiler went belly up t'uther year [those few that are paying attention will remember my blog/rant about it]. So what did i end up winning? Yup... diddley-squat... again. Dammit, i could almost taste that spanking new static caravan at Chapel St Leonards ! 
 

At this point i decided to call it a night, in a quit-while-your-behind sort of way. So, on went the kettle for my customary bedtime Horlicks whilst i cruised the the TV channels for one last time, and hit the jackpot. A BBC4 documentary called 'On The Streets' about homeless people in London had just that minute started. Best bit of TV i've seen since Wendi Murdoch bitch-slapped that flan-man infront of the Commons Select Committee. That's my kinda woman :)
 
The next 90 minutes was fascinating viewing. I've seen lots of documentaries about homelessness but this must be the best. One woman filming a small group of people over 18 months or so, recording their thoughts and dilemma's. What did surprise me was the amount of foreign types who were sleeping rough. Poles, Canadians... allsorts really. One of the many things that's always interested me about sleeping rough [apart from the fact i've done it myself in the distant past] is the fact that we could all find ourselves living on the streets if things start to go pear shaped and also the reasons why people find themselves in that predicament to start with. Divorce, unemployment, sexual/physical abuse and plain old bad luck are all valid reasons why 'normal' people find themselves living in a shop doorway being urinated on. 
 
One of the subjects of the documentary had a particularly nasty tale of woe. Jean, a woman probably 20 years younger than she looked, withered by wind, rain, illegal substances and cheap cider, commented that she was first raped by 4 men as a young girl and had since been repeatedly raped throughout her life to the point that the only time she ever felt anything was whilst being abused due to her life being so empty and damaged. Tough stuff.
 
 

So anyway, this got me thinking about myself. Earlier, cussing my bad luck at missing out on winning the Lotto, the caravan and the new hip. Compared to those on the street i must seem like an incredibly wealthy person in comparison. No money worries, a roof over my head and no traumas from the past casting a dark cloud over my life. Maybe that's the problem with people these days. We've become too self involved. All too busy wishing for things that are out of reach whilst ignoring all the good things we do have. Glass half full and all that. Maybe that's one of the reasons why the country is in such a state. Politicians stealing taxpayers money, greedy media moguls, greedy footballers, people mortgaging themselves to the hilt in the never ending pursuit of some kind of consumeristic nirvana ...... hmmmm!

Set the dogs on 'em !!!

If there's one thing i like more than a nice bottle of stout, it's a good old fashioned lynching! Especially when it involves a money and power crazy foreigner like Rupert Murdoch. Now, i'm a fair man... i said i'm a fair man [that was my Fred Elliot impersonation] and as such i've always believed in 'innocent until proven guilty' .... until now. Maybe it's because this Murdoch looks like the kind of hoodlum that would kick a pregnant woman between the legs if it meant earning a few extra quid.

I think i've mentioned before how much i dislike anything to do with R.M. Sky tv is banned at Casa Heckles and so are his trashy tabloid rags. Although, all those people who are soo outraged about the hacking of phones belonging to Millie Dowler and fallen soldiers should maybe examine their own conscience's as buying his papers makes themselves just as guilty as the tabloid hackers. Definite case of double standards going on here. Luckily for me my conscience is clear, therefore i can sit back in my favourite red [not pink!] armchair feeling ever so smug and self righteous. lol.

So now the carrot-topped/Grant Mitchell beating/ News Corp/CEO Rebekah Brooks has become enemy number one and about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool. This woman only serves to prove my theories correct. That all women should spend more time at home, cooking and cleaning. It beats me why anyone would want to work for Rupert Murdoch to start with. He can't pay very good wages. Why else would Brooks be unable to afford a personal trainer / hair stylist.

Proper music ....

... by a nice young man with good wholesome family values.

You've never had it so good.

Now as you are all aware, not only am i a man of  impeccable taste and sophistication, but also a man that doesn't like to complain. People seem to complain about anything these days. Have these professional whingers got nothing better to do with their time? So now summer has landed, and so too have the whingers to top all whingers. Yes, you've guessed it, i'm talking about ''British Farmers.'' Are these flat-cap wearing, sh*t-shovellers ever happy? Turn on the news and you'll see a never ending stream of farmers complaining about next-to-nothing. It's the same old Jackanory stories every bloody year.

Not enough rain. 
Too much rain.
Wrong type of rain.
Too hot.
Too cold.
Diesel going up [isn't everybodys].
Supermarkets squeezing their profits....

I ask you. If it's so difficult to scatter a few seeds on the ground and wait for it to grow then why do they bother doing it. With the amount of whining they do, you'd think they'd entered the farming industry out of the goodness of their little hearts. If there's no money in it then why do i constantly see fat farmers swanning about in expensive Range-Rovers?? Well....?

Complainer-itis seems to be spreading faster than i can blog at the moment. If it's not the farmers moaning then it's them there lazy teachers and public sector ''workers'' that have started piping up. These types have been on easy street for decades, bankrolled by a Lie-bour government who drenched the public sector with billions of ££'s on non-jobs and fancy final salary pensions .... all subsidised by the good old taxpayer. Yup, it must be real tough being forced into having 17 weeks holiday a year and being made to ''work'' anything up to 5 long hours per day. Shock horror!! Somebody call the Police! Unions have predicted that it could be the largest strike for generations if selfish ''workers'' throw the toys out of the pram. I say 'sack the lot of em'. Employ Polish teachers for half the cost .... especially if they're really tasty.

But it doesn't end there though. Believe it or not, ANOTHER group of whingers have jumped on the bandwagon .... them women!

For years they've sat around on their backsides watching day-time soaps, gas-bagging on t'front gate and wasting the G.P's time and resources with their '' little foible's.'' Now the Government wants them to wait a few years before they draw a pension and the splitarse's are in uproar. For hundreds of years they've been harping on about equality, now they're going to get it, and they're still not happy. Sheeshh!. If you want my unbiased opinion i think women shouldn't be able to claim a state pension until the age of 80, as they're a bigger drain on resources and live a lot longer than men ... because they have easier lives.

It's at times like these the old joke about married couple springs to mind.


Q. Why do married men usually die before their wives?

A. Because they want to!

Scumbag footballers?

I picked up an old newspaper the other day and was shocked by the front page headline, it read; ''Premiership footballer has sex with his own wife.'' I ask you, what is the world coming to? It seems that every time you read a newspaper there's yet another story about greedy scumbag footballers playing away [i suppose it beats reading about greedy scumbag politicians or Z-factor dross]. Last week some footballer called Ryan Giggs [who?] was outed on loser social networking site Twitter as having a seedy fling with some foreign piece of totty! It's reported that Mr Giggs is extremely nervous and agitated about his marriage being well and truly on the rocks especially as Chelsea player John Terry has started popping round for cups of sugar!

At one time i used to be an avid football fan, but like lots of people, i've fallen out of love with 'the beautiful game.' Money seems to be the only thing players are really interested in these days. Well, that and getting their team mate's wife up the duff or filming themselves wearing white grandad pants. Eugh! How can wet-nosed, lazy players justify earning £100,000 a week when soldiers and nurses are lucky to clear £400. Even though the game seems to be rife with money, sex and greed i stumbled across a newspaper article the other day which restored some of my faith in that not all footballers are pure scum. It read as follows:


DERBY County legend Igor Stimac drove 100 miles to visit a sick Rams fans after hearing he was in hospital in his native Croatia.The football legend responded to a plea by the son of pensioner John Foster, who was desperately worried after hearing his father had taken ill while on holiday.

John, 74, had been on a coach trip around Europe with wife Pearl. The couple's son Mark was frantic with worry so decided to contact the only Croatian person he knew of - the former centre-half Igor. He telephoned Derby County, who sent an email to him and the kind-hearted former player - who now lives back in Croatia - responded. He made the 100 mile trip to visit John - a Pride Park ticket holder - in hospital and liaised with the British Embassy on his behalf.

Igor said he wanted to help after remembering ''how wonderful'' Derby County fans had been to him. ''I felt it was very important because i will never forget how wonderful all the fans were when i was a Derby and how many times they travelled to support us.''

Mark said he was stunned when he heard Igor had visited his dad.
He said: '' i emailed the club saying my parents were having a rough time in Croatia, which was no-one's fault. I asked if my message could be forwarded to Igor and whether there was any chance a get well message could be sent. That's all i expected, but on Friday he turned up at the hospital with his 21 year old son!!'' 

 Mr Stimac. 

Wealthy, caring, handsome, looks great in a suit....

What a complete b*stard!

The American Dream...

Well, it only took about two weeks in the 'land of the free' for B&Q toothed Cheryl Cole to get her P45. I'm surprised it took that long, but then i guess that doesn't say much about the standard of British TV and it's moggadon viewers, because the talentless, anorexic, incoherent northerner has been plastered over our screens for god knows how many years. It's a bit of a shame really. I was hoping by her being in the U.S and A it would mean a nice long break from her annoying adverts, her annoying face... and her even more annoying accent. I know a man should never hit a woman but surely there must exceptions to the rule???

You can take the scum out of the slum, but you can't take the slum out of the scum!

Anyway... sadly for us, it won't be long now before the fame hungry rat is back in the U.K. Cole's agents have finally given up on her ''music'' career as she's proved time and time again she can't sing or dance, and they are now looking for another vehicle to showcase her talents. May i suggest a hearse?

Declining standards of today.

As you are all aware, Mr Heckles is indeed a man of good taste, style and sophistication whilst cutting a debonair, Nigel Havers-esqe swaithe through all that is wrong in the world today. But nothing gets me all riled up like them there ''scruffy buggers'' ... well, apart from that talentless thug; Cheryl Cole.

Yes, whilst flicking [yes, i did say FL-icking]  through some old photos t'uther night it dawned on me how people's dress sense seems to of disappeared over the past few decades. My old Polaroid pictures of family and friends on trips to the coast all had something in common, they were all wearing collared shirts and trousers even in the height of summer. And very smart we were too! Contrast that with you slovenly, unwashed folks of today. Most of you people, regardless of where you might be, walk around looking like you've spent the night on a park bench or gotten dressed after waking up in a burning house!!!



The good olde days

 Yes indeed. No scruffy types back then you know. Everyone was well turned out, keeping up the standards. It's the kind of stuff that made the Empire so great. Why even on a recent night out at the theatre i was horrified to see people wearing .... wait for it.......jeans.... and trainers, God dammit! Have YOU people have no shame? If you can't get spruced for a night on the tiles then exactly what can you spruced up for?? Where will it all end?

                                                  fashion tips for scruffy buggers of today

Where's Maddy?

Well its been 4 years since toddler Madeline McCann was kidnapped from a hotel room in the stuck-up Portuguese Eldorado holiday resort of Praia De Luz. So that's 4 years of tears, puffy eyes, pain, torture and misery! .... [and that's just what the general public have had to endure]. 4 years of hand wringing. 4 years of an insipid media campaign. 4 years of never owning up to the fact that because the McCann clan put going out on the lash with their toffee nosed rich friends before their own flesh and blood they are now minus one kid.





4 years of double standards whilst Social Services spinelessly look the other way whilst a child is abducted due to it's brain dead parents negligence. We all know that if this had of happened to Tracey and Kev from the local sink estate they would of been hammered by the national press and found themselves in handcuffs once on UK terrafirma. I guess when you have friends in high places, your own personal spokesperson and have plenty of wonga in the bank then you can pretty much get away with anything. Lets not forget that they also left their other two babies alone in that hotel room. Now i ask you, what kind of parents would not only leave a toddler alone whilst going for a knee's up, but also two small babies?

So now the media freak show/gravy train has started all over again. There's a new batch of interviews and book to keep the McCann brand alive and kicking [no pun intended]. Private detectives have earned themselves a small fortune travelling all over the globe in the hunt for the mysterious abductor of Madeline, yet the real culprits are sitting in their posh house just north of Leicester!!!

So what about the next 4 years then? Maybe a Hollywood movie, a stage play or musical perhaps? Whatever happens i just hope that if Madeline McCann is still alive her ''new'' parents do a better job looking after her than the old ones ever did.

The trouble with women is.....

It would seem the world has gone stark raving bonkers. It's times like these a lone voice in the wilderness like that of Monsieur Heckles comes as a welcome tonic. Apparently two football pundits have been sacked for a spot of genteel ribbing of some female linesman!! Such was the outcry that thousands of people complained, something that i find very hard to believe as looking at the Sky TV viewing figures i doubt if they have more than one man and his dog watching half the time. Here at Casa Heckles it's banned, won't have it in the house i tell ya. I pay my TV licence [well maybe not... i'm a pensioner ha!] i don't see why i should pay twice for their dross and drivell.

Now, me being of a more mature age you'd think i'd be all against women participating in male dominated sports, but i don't. ''Equal opportunities for all'' is what i say. Linesman Sian Massey should be allowed to carry on officiating at football matches.... just as long as she's done all her housework and not neglected to make hubby's dinner first. It's all about priorities you see.

Seriously tho, the best place for a woman is in the home, out of harms way, preferably in the kitchen washing pots and doing some baking. Margaret Thatcher is a classic example of what happens when a mere woman burns her bra and gets ideas well above her station. Just look at what she did to the miners [closed all the pits so we could import our coal from Brazil]. Look at what she did to the heavy industries of the north [closed them all down so we could import everything from China]. Even after 20-30 years we still haven't recovered from her menopausal  policies. Everyone [i talk to] agrees that 'that woman' did more damage to the manufacturing output of this country than Adolf Hitler during the blitz! Need i say more?

Anyway.... as you're all aware my meagre state/war pension doesn't go far these days so i've decided to head off to get some sun on the olde shredded wheat. I'm a positive, happy-go-luck kind of chap but the constant talking about this double dip recession is really screwing up the alignment of me chakras!!

Always one to spot a bargain, i noticed a 2 week, all you can eat, break in Sharm El Sheik for £180, cheap at half the price if you ask me. Okay it may be a tad noisey at the moment but [being an ex military man] it takes a lot to phase an individual like myself. Although just in case i get trampled to death by a rioting camel outside the Taja Sevelle, i'd like to take this opportunity to wish all of my FOUR readers a happy 2011.....2012...



The New World Order [ according to Mr. H ]

I remember reading the recent findings of a survey that stated that 25% of the general public contributed absolutely nothing to the UK economy. Well it's a good job they didn't survey MP's as we all know they're a bunch of lazy, thieving, self-serving parasites. Anyway... i thought 25% was a tad on the high side until a recent trip to that armpit of the Fens: Peterborough. I've never seen so many dossers and vagrants in my entire life, and i've been to Nottingham and Coventry!!!!!

This got me thinking [dangerous i know] there are just too many people in this world clogging up the roads, blocking pavements, using up earth's natural resources and certainly far too many flaming people queing up at the local Post Office especially when i'm trying to draw my pittance of a state pension. What's needed is a cull. Maybe something along the same lines as that 80's futuristic TV series: Hogan's Run. Now as always there'll be some people who'll complain about it being a bad idea, there's always one moaner isn't there? But instead of getting rid of all us old people [many a good tune and all that], why not just get shot of all the annoying people. Surely it's a win win situation all round.

Maybe we could put them inside a giant cannon and fire them into outer space. Obviously, to comply with health and safety regs they'd be wearing a hi-viz vest, toe-tectors and be given a cheese sandwich and a can of  7Up [apparently it's the chosen drink of astronauts, lol]. Maybe they could be forced to listen to Cheryl [the binge drinking thug] Cole rape her latest song. Surely death would come as a welcome release from that kind of torture? The types of irritating people heading for them pearly white gates would include...

Men who wear leather jackets. [they went out of fashion 20 years ago pal].

Women who wear grey leggings [mainly because cos they're too fat to wear a skirt].

A Question Of Sport viewers [what a croque of...].

Most women drivers [always concentrating too hard to be polite].

People who complain for the sake of it [life's too short for whingers].

Rover car drivers [always expect the unexpected from these doddering fools].

City *ankers [get rich quick merchants who leave the poorest to pick up the tab].

People who wear sunglasses in winter [who do you think you are, Tom Cruise?].

Anyone who's been in front of me in a traffic jam!!!!

Anyone who's been behind me in a trafic jam!!!!

People who support a successful football team even though they have no connection with that club or it's city.

Anyone who's auditioned for X factor [chav TV for brain dead moggadons].

Tesco shoppers [in a nutshell- the lowest of the low].

People who insist on sitting outside Costa Coffee on a wet/windy day whilst trying to pretend they're at some Italian piazza ''people watching.''

People who eat at McDowell's [junk food, high cholesterol and diabetes are not substitutes for love].

People who drop litter [do you drop litter in your own home? No. Didn't think so!].

Slow 'heads-up' swimmers [if you're that scared of getting your hair wet then shave it off or stay out of the pool].

Southerners [most have never done a hard days work in their lives. It would probably kill them].

Computer geeks [nobody likes a show-off].

Inconsiderate plebs who spend 20 minutes tapping away at a cash point just to draw out a tenner.

 infamous wasters heading for the chop would be:

Peter Sutcliffe [what a stupid haircut].

Cheryl Cole [beats up a black toilet attendant whilst out of her face on Bacardi Breezers then quickly marries a useless womanising black footballer to save her 'singing' career and stop people calling her a racist who was recently forced to admit she wore hair extensions whilst doing adverts for hair care products].

Ian Huntley & Maxine Carr [waste of carbon].

Gordon Brown [he's Scottish. eugh!!].

Scottish people [they're always on benefits and drinking meths or LPG].

Danny Dyer [cos he thinks he's a right 'ole proper cockney geezaah!].

Do-gooder Shami Chakrabati [always standing up for the rights of terrorists and spongers].

Now obviously these are just a few annoying types that have sprung to mind but i think you'll agree that by getting shot of the low-lifes above would enhance the lives of decent hardworking folk. The full list of worthless cretins can be found in any copy of Heat Magazine and the NOTW.

Proper music....

.... that you can sing and boogie to. [ RIP Bobby Farrell ]