Sexy Grannies And MP's Who Take The Biscuit.

It would seem that British politicians still have little or no will-power when it comes to leaching off the public purse.

The rather large breasted Baroness Warsi has now been accused of fiddling her housing expenses. She calls it, ''an oversight'', but we all know that's just politician speak for; ''oh sht, i've been caught stealing, i'll quickly put it back and we'll forget all about it''.

Anyone else would get the book thrown at them, she'll probably get a promotion and new ministerial car. Yes, in 2012 the Westminster Gravy Train is still working at full throttle.

It's been said the only person ever to enter the Houses of Parliament with honourable intentions was Guy Fawkes. How true. toot! toot!

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Saturday night was Eurovision Night. And like the other 148 million people, i too tuned in to watch - with a chicken curry from the local Chinese takeaway perched on my lap! Being an ex-services man i was obviously rooting for the young lad Engelbert Humperdunk, but also keeping an eye on those sexy little grannies from Russia. Buranovskiye Babushki were so good, they were able to perform their song AND bake some biscuit's at the same time. Now they are what i call 'real women.'   

For me, it's been a hectic week or two. Maybe i should start calling myself Hectic Heckles instead of Herbert?  It's only been a few days since returning from my trip to Moscow, or 'Mockba', as us locals might say. It was blisteringly hot whilst there, which meant me stripping down to my socks/sandals and placing an old knotted hanky on the head.

You'll be pleased to know that all the main sights were covered, even for an old man with a war wound. The only problem i found was the 5* hotel was so luxurious i didn't want to leave it and go sightseeing. It was VERY nice. Piano being played in the bar, 24hr room service, spa and even a little chocolate placed on the bedside table upon a weary guests' return in the evening!!! 

The Bolshoi.

The plan was to spend an evening of culture and refinement at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre, but this didn't happen. No, ........ i spent two evenings of culture and refinement at The Bolshoi. And bloody nice it was too! I also managed a trip to another theatre just up the street to see a show. And that too was a grande affair.

The Mariinsky.

The only problem is -  now i'm two minds whether to go back again or visit St Petersburg and the equally world famous Mariinsky Theatre?? It all comes at a price though. Maybe i'll just fiddle my housing/disability benefit and pension? If i get caught out i can just say it was ''an oversight''. It seems to work for everyone else. 

Britain's Got NO Talent.

As you all know, i am a master of witt and funny practical jokes, and like nothing more than a good chuckle, but last weekend i over-did it to the point of almost cracking a rib. Seeing on the news that a dog had won BGT had me doubled up in convulsions - the last time that happened it was because of my old hernia problems!

It wasn't the fact a dog had won BGT and £500,000 in prize money. No! It was the realisation that for the past few months about 5 million losers had spent their evenings gormlessly glued  to the TV set watching a stupid talent show - only to find there wasn't any talent available, apart from that of a flea-bitten mutt. My God, i can't wait for next series.

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As you are no doubt aware, after today i shall be observing total radio silence and putting all my military training to good use as i go deep undercover in the heart of The Soviet Union. Yes, i do realise it's now called The Russian Federation, but Soviet Union sounds a lot more dangerous, don't cha think?!!  

Key objectives for Agent Heckles will be to seek out, gather information and photograph all the main tourist sites in Moscow; The Kremlin, St Basil's, Lenin's Tomb, The Bolshoi and Izmailovsky Market are just a few of the many targets earmarked for reconnaissance.

Izmailovsky Market. [yes, that's actually a market!]

Now, i may of aged a few years since my military days, shaddowing the British Secret Service, but i'll still look like i've got a licence to thrill when suited-up in the evenings. Although it's been quite a few years since a young lady has approached me with the phrase: ''Agent Heckles, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?''  Groan!

For those of you not lucky enough to be recieving a holiday momento upon my return, i leave you with the gift of my infinate wisdom, in the form of my, now regular, 'wise words'.... 

''A Nursed Grudge Never Heals''

Enjoy!

The Lottery Of Life.

Well what a busy week it's been. Doctors appointments here, Out Patients appointments there, why i've hardly had two minutes to rub together. It's not been all rush, rush, rush though. The other day i managed to have win the lottery. Okay, so it may only of been a tenner, but when you're a poor pensioner like myself: every little helps! Being a bit of a tight-arse means i like to spend my monies wisely, so i might use the money to buy some new incontinence pants or something.

Although it was only a small win, it didn't stop me from frittering away a few hours on the t'internet trying to select which private jet to buy. It's such a hard decision to make. Do i plump for the 9 or the 12 seater jet?, a wide-bodied jet?, or a long range jet? ... which would be perfect for my up-coming Saga holiday to New York. Anyway, after some deliberation i opted for the rather discrete; Embraer Lineage 1000. Now all i need is £39,999,990 and i'll be a fully paid up member of the mile high club - Yes, even with my dodgy back, hip and bladder.

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There was a recent survey in the news saying that mobile phones don't cause brain tumours. I already knew that, because you only have to look at the idiots blindly walking around with a mobile stuck to their ears to realise they've got zero chance on contracting anything as everyone knows that diseases cannot form in a vacuum.

Doctors have also called for a ''fat tax'' to be placed on junk foods. To me, this is a waste of time. A much better option would be to narrow the isles in all supermarkets so they can't reach the cakes and lard pies. If i had my way, all junk food outlets would be made to shut in Sundays. That way all these slobs and chavs might have to sit down and have a proper Sunday dinner, with meat and two veg, instead of a manky burger, fries and a high cholesterol smoothie. 

What a tit.