The New World Order [ according to Mr. H ]

I remember reading the recent findings of a survey that stated that 25% of the general public contributed absolutely nothing to the UK economy. Well it's a good job they didn't survey MP's as we all know they're a bunch of lazy, thieving, self-serving parasites. Anyway... i thought 25% was a tad on the high side until a recent trip to that armpit of the Fens: Peterborough. I've never seen so many dossers and vagrants in my entire life, and i've been to Nottingham and Coventry!!!!!

This got me thinking [dangerous i know] there are just too many people in this world clogging up the roads, blocking pavements, using up earth's natural resources and certainly far too many flaming people queing up at the local Post Office especially when i'm trying to draw my pittance of a state pension. What's needed is a cull. Maybe something along the same lines as that 80's futuristic TV series: Hogan's Run. Now as always there'll be some people who'll complain about it being a bad idea, there's always one moaner isn't there? But instead of getting rid of all us old people [many a good tune and all that], why not just get shot of all the annoying people. Surely it's a win win situation all round.

Maybe we could put them inside a giant cannon and fire them into outer space. Obviously, to comply with health and safety regs they'd be wearing a hi-viz vest, toe-tectors and be given a cheese sandwich and a can of  7Up [apparently it's the chosen drink of astronauts, lol]. Maybe they could be forced to listen to Cheryl [the binge drinking thug] Cole rape her latest song. Surely death would come as a welcome release from that kind of torture? The types of irritating people heading for them pearly white gates would include...

Men who wear leather jackets. [they went out of fashion 20 years ago pal].

Women who wear grey leggings [mainly because cos they're too fat to wear a skirt].

A Question Of Sport viewers [what a croque of...].

Most women drivers [always concentrating too hard to be polite].

People who complain for the sake of it [life's too short for whingers].

Rover car drivers [always expect the unexpected from these doddering fools].

City *ankers [get rich quick merchants who leave the poorest to pick up the tab].

People who wear sunglasses in winter [who do you think you are, Tom Cruise?].

Anyone who's been in front of me in a traffic jam!!!!

Anyone who's been behind me in a trafic jam!!!!

People who support a successful football team even though they have no connection with that club or it's city.

Anyone who's auditioned for X factor [chav TV for brain dead moggadons].

Tesco shoppers [in a nutshell- the lowest of the low].

People who insist on sitting outside Costa Coffee on a wet/windy day whilst trying to pretend they're at some Italian piazza ''people watching.''

People who eat at McDowell's [junk food, high cholesterol and diabetes are not substitutes for love].

People who drop litter [do you drop litter in your own home? No. Didn't think so!].

Slow 'heads-up' swimmers [if you're that scared of getting your hair wet then shave it off or stay out of the pool].

Southerners [most have never done a hard days work in their lives. It would probably kill them].

Computer geeks [nobody likes a show-off].

Inconsiderate plebs who spend 20 minutes tapping away at a cash point just to draw out a tenner.

 infamous wasters heading for the chop would be:

Peter Sutcliffe [what a stupid haircut].

Cheryl Cole [beats up a black toilet attendant whilst out of her face on Bacardi Breezers then quickly marries a useless womanising black footballer to save her 'singing' career and stop people calling her a racist who was recently forced to admit she wore hair extensions whilst doing adverts for hair care products].

Ian Huntley & Maxine Carr [waste of carbon].

Gordon Brown [he's Scottish. eugh!!].

Scottish people [they're always on benefits and drinking meths or LPG].

Danny Dyer [cos he thinks he's a right 'ole proper cockney geezaah!].

Do-gooder Shami Chakrabati [always standing up for the rights of terrorists and spongers].

Now obviously these are just a few annoying types that have sprung to mind but i think you'll agree that by getting shot of the low-lifes above would enhance the lives of decent hardworking folk. The full list of worthless cretins can be found in any copy of Heat Magazine and the NOTW.

Proper music....

.... that you can sing and boogie to. [ RIP Bobby Farrell ]

It's the season of goodwill.

It never ceases to amaze me how much crap people are prepared to buy at Christmas time. If it's not overloaded shopping trolleys filled with umpteen presents for spoilt ungrateful brattish children or alcohol, saturated fats and E-numbers to the point of needing a HGV licence to push it, then it's the cretins that crawl out from the woodwork in the hope of finding a cheap piece of  'tat' in the sales.

As you are all aware, i'm an effervescent, cultured, well mannered, 24 carat chap who can not only cook authentic dishes '' from scratch '' but is someone who has been likened many a time to that debonair pinnacle of class and sophistication; Nigel Havers. As such, i resist all temptation to venture out during the sales and rub shoulders with the hoi-poloi, until today. Needs must you see......

Being a delicate soul means i'm not a fan of large crowds as most people these days are extremely lacking in life's basics, such as; manners and common courtesy. Even more so when the opportunity of a non-existent bargain is on the horizon. Notice that i used the word 'non-existent'. That's because last week i decided to price up a few items for Casa Heckles, you know, spruce the homestead up a little and bag a cheeky bargain or three [a state pension doesn't go far these days i'll have you know]. Anyway.... upon fighting my way through today's riff-raff, a couple of things hit my senses like a bolt out of the blue.

[1] That there were NO real bargains to be had. In fact some of the stuff had actually gone UP in price, despite all the banners screaming 'prices slashed' and 'beat the VAT rise in Jan'. How i giggled as those poor deluded fools fought over the 'bargains' like vultures picking at the sun ripened flesh of a rotting carcass half crushed on the highway to hell [or Coventry].

[2] Instead of these highly annoying people wasting time ohh-ing & ahh-ing over which plasma tv to buy why didn't they walk across the street and pop into Boots to purchase a bar of soap and some toothpaste because so many shoppers i had to push past needed a damn good scrub. At best, one woman smelt like the stale jock strap of a South African rugby player ... ahem......so i've been told. I guess it says something about society when a person would rather pay £500 for a telly than a measly £5 for soap, deodorant and some 'intimate' hygiene products. Filthy bugger.

 Stay clean and smell nice, and somebody out there will like you - eventually!

Proper music....

...not like the rackett they play nowadays

Nominations are flooding in...

... for the most prestigious awards ceremony of 2010. Yes, it's nearly time for the 'Cock Of The year Award'. This year has seen an veritable avalanche of shite-hawks and scumbags. Thieving politicians, deluded micro celebs and Joe Public non-entities have been pulling out all the stops to prove their worthiness of such a coveted award. In no particular order, the front runners include...


Cheryl [the convicted drunken thug] Cole.
Nick [sells his own mother to get into power] Clogg.
Gordon [who says the Scots don't have a sense of humour] Brown.
Colleen [i've got an annoying accent and husband] Rooney.
John [i sleep with my team-mates missus, and get her pregnant] Terry.

Other contenders are:

Serial fainter Gillian Mckeith, that annoying bloke from Ryan Air, Katie Price and anyone who had the brass neck to appear on the pretentious clap-trap docu-soap 'The Only Way Is Essex.'  Stay tuned for the results!

200 TV channels and nothing to watch

Last night i had the unfortunate 'pleasure' of having to stay in and watch Saturday night TV..... due to a groin injury caused at the local Bowls Club. A fellow member put his kit bag down in the wrong place causing yours truly to go arse over tit and crushed my bowling ball. That Dick Ronson has a lot to answer for. Them Merchant Navy types, all the bloody same!!

So there i am, Sat'day night, favourite armchair, bottle of stout and a bag of Werthers Originals. Heaven! The only problem seemed to be that there was bugger all to watch on the gogglebox. All that money spent on fancy sat-nav telly and it's all wall-to-wall repeats or unrealistic American forensic drivel. Anyway.... it got so bad i forced myself to watch that X-Factor excrement. Do people really watch that tosh??? No wonder this country has gone to the dogs. I've heard better singing at closing time down at the British Legion on bingo night. And what the story behind that Wagner bloke? He looks like Pat Sharp's grandad ....who's been dragged up from the bottom of a gravel pit by Police scuba divers!!

Now, i'm no John Barrowman or katherine Jenkins, but that guy can't sing for toffee, although judging by the standard of contestants / judges, vocal abilities seem way down on the list of priorities. Eventually it got so bad i had to switch over and watch a harrowing WW2 documentary. It really comes to something when a person would rather watch footage of Nazi Death Camps than watch the X-Factor. Now that is torture. Thank God 'Celebrity Jungle Drums' has just started. Phew !!!



ready ... steady ...??

Well, there seems to be a plentiful supply of fireworks for this years Commonwealth Games in Dehli. Unfortunately they're not of the pyrotechnical / Guy Fawkes variety. With only days to go to the big opening, stadiums, accommodation and transport networks are still unfinished [according to the media]. I suppose you do have to bear in mind they've only had 7 years to get ready.lol. Rome wasn't built in a day you know.

serious head on for a moment!

These CWG's have been dogged by problems right from the start. Corruption, bribery, politicians taking back-handers [that would never happen in the U.K], workers living in sub-standard conditions and many deaths due to poor health & safety. I guess you have to wonder for who's benefit these games are being held. It almost seems like a repeating of the fiasco for the World Cup in South Africa. Billions of £'s splashed out on fancy venues for a 'knee's up' lasting a couple of weeks, but just a few streets away people are living in poverty with no jobs, no food or even clean drinking water. Yes, i'm sure a 80,000 seater stadium will come in very handy for a homeless child whose only source of income comes from picking up bits of recyclable plastic from the local rubbish dump. I guess someone, somewhere, is making a nicer little earner out of it.    

Normal service now resumed..

Top athlete's are now pulling out of the games due to safety fears over terrorist attacks, unfinished accommodation and not being able to source a decent cup of tea. And it's got so bad the officials are now starting to alter various events to cater to the conditions.

1. Pole vaulters will now be using scaffolding poles in their events.
2. Discus throwers will now be using roofing tiles, with medals being awarded to those who can get their tile closest to the 12 year old boy who's perched on the stadium roof with his hammer and nails.
3. Swimmers can't start a race by diving off the blocks because of a leak there's only 3 feet of water in the pool.
4. Instead of the weightlifters pressing barbells above their heads they'll be expected to hold up the ceiling instead.

In fact the only event that's guaranteed to go without a hitch is the long jump, mainly because supplies of building sand are endless.

And now access for pedestrians has become a big nightmare due to the footbridge linking the main car-park and the Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium collapsing !! Apparently there's was too much rain last week!? Experts have been brought in to try and sort out the accessability problems...

... so far they've come up with a giant trampolene, unlimited use of Billy Smart's Human Cannonball and Evel Knievels stunt bike!!

Proper music....

... doesn't get much better than this!

Life's a beach

As a highly regarded member of the 'intelligensia' i like to spend my time pondering some of the more meaningful issues and unanswered questions in life. Such as the inner workings of the Large Hadron Collider, Proffessor Hawkins Big Bang Theory, the studying of black-holes and trying to work out how the hell people get them model ships inside the little glass bottles!!

Now, whilst the ship in a bottle mystery may never be solved, there are plenty of others that can. Anyway.... just the other day i was deliberating the pro's and con's of reincarnation and what would be the best thing to come back as. [when you get to my age you start to think of this type of stuff]. A veritable plethora of options sprung to mind. Perhaps come back as Nora Batty's wrinkled stockings or maybe even Gloria Hunniford's personal douche [now there's a thought].

I've now decided that a seagull is easily the best option. They have the best life. You get spend all day hanging out with friends down at the beach, free lodgings, harrass people you don't like the look of and get to eat fish & chips everyday. Sounds like a veritable nirvana to me. Although i do realise you don't have to be reincarnated to do most of the things i've just mentioned. On a recent brisk stroll along Skegness Promenade clearly highlighted all that's really needed for the life of a seagull is a dubious immigration status and free taxpayer hand-outs!!

The end.

It's been a bumpy ride at times, a bit of a love-hate relationship you might say. But yes, last night was the final Big Brother... EVER !!! [or was it?].

10 years worth of social re-jects,dossers, fantacists and the odd transexual all battling it out on national telly to be crowned the UK's biggest 'shite hawk.' No-one can deny that over the years there have been some classic moments and classic characters. Nasty Nick, sexy Shilpa, Makosi in the jaccuzi, Jackie Stallone & Bez. Unfortunately like most things in life they soon get hijacked by the politically correct brigade who aim to sterilise and water down anything on telly that might be popular. Without doubt this was it's achilles heel and eventually would seal it's fate.

From a personal perspective i was disillusioned with the show right up until the very end. No, not because the extremely loveable Chantelle didn't win outright [or pleasure herself with a wine bottle... ahem] but the fact that nobody came close to being killed in the house. Surely that would of been the ultimate accolade for any BB contestant and would surely of been a ratings bonanza!

So that's it. Or is it? Some are already saying it could come back again. Would that be a good thing? Maybe we should all remember BB with anxious, but fond memories. A bit like me thinking back to having that really bad case of hemorrhoid's.... before they got tied back and strangled! Bless..