Kicking The Bucket - Metaphorically And Quite Literally!

I
It's been a funny month or so for famous person deaths. First of all the lovely Donna Summer passed away from lung cancer at the spritely age of 63. Shortly followed by disco legend Robin Gibb who died of cancer complications at the age of 62. Then only t'uther week Brian Hibbard, the lead singer of 80's pop harmony group The Flying Pickets dies from prostate cancer aged 65.

It's always a shame when people that are so well-liked and talented pass away. Even more so when you consider the current crop of karaoke rejects that seem to come and go like a reoccuring case of hemorrhoids!! Still, i guess it's not all bad news.  Alex Salmons number one fan; Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi finally took the hint, curled up and died at his home in Tripoli. I reckon if ever there was a reason why ''You Should be Dancin,'' - that must be it.

I taught the boy everything he knows!

It just goes to show you never know when your number is up and those Pearly Gates are swinging open. All the more reason to make sure that bucket list gets a damn good kicking whenever possible.

Even as someone in their twilight years my own bucket has taken a few hits recently. Global travel, my trip to Moscow and the world famous Bolshoi. A parachute jump was also crossed-off the list some time ago. Okay, so i needed a medical where they did everything except shine a torch up my rectum, but it was a price worth paying and in a rather perverse way i almost enjoyed it... As for the parachute jump, well, lets just say it's not the first time i've been suspended in a harness, and i'm hoping it won't be the last. Ooh Matron!!

If you've been paying attention earlier [ if not - why not? ] you'll know i have my Saga holiday to New York lined up immediately after Christmas. It's a bit of a long shot, but the possibility of seeing Central Park in the snow has always captured my imagination ever since i was a wee slip of a lad. Also, visiting the very beautiful St. Petersburg and the Mariinski Theatre are other items that will hopefully get struck'un off the list in 2012 - fingers crossed. Admittedly, a costly exercise for someone on a meagre state pension and disability allowance, but as they always say ''you can't it with you'' which is technically correct, although Robert Maxwell had a damn good try.

The Church On Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg. Lovely! 

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As always, at the end of each blog i dispense pearls of wisdom to you all in the form of my much sought after: 'wise words'. Keeping with the current theme, i leave you with this nugget of wisdom.

''NOW is the best time to be alive - so don't be bored''

Pulp Fact - Not Fiction.

Even as a military man with years of jungle training, encompassing hand-to-hand combat alongside Japanese ninja's, i still abhor violence of any kind. Well, unless it means seeing an MP get a damn good pasting inside the 'squared circle.'

Oh Yesss. Last week, ex-Cheeky Girl Lothario Lembit Opik thought it'd be a good idea to enter a tag-team wrestling match because he thought it was all staged. The result might be staged, but being throttled by an 18 stone guy certainly isn't. 

Lembit makes his wrestling debut at 02:55 secs.

The thing i find most disturbing about this whole episode is that Opik was previously elected as a Member of Parliament and had to make mildly important-ish decisions [he was a Lib Dem afterall] about the running of the UK. It would seem that Mr Opik, just like most MP's, suffers from a severe lack of judgement as not only did he try and out-wrestle a wrestler, but he also dumped sexy TV weather girl Sian Lloyd for a scrawny Cheeky Girl.

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As always, at the end of each blog i do the honour of imparting a small piece of my wisdom to you all. As many will already testify to: generosity to others has always been my achilles heel.

Today's ''wise words''...

Women are like sparklers - they should always be kept at arms length.

Sexy Grannies And MP's Who Take The Biscuit.

It would seem that British politicians still have little or no will-power when it comes to leaching off the public purse.

The rather large breasted Baroness Warsi has now been accused of fiddling her housing expenses. She calls it, ''an oversight'', but we all know that's just politician speak for; ''oh sht, i've been caught stealing, i'll quickly put it back and we'll forget all about it''.

Anyone else would get the book thrown at them, she'll probably get a promotion and new ministerial car. Yes, in 2012 the Westminster Gravy Train is still working at full throttle.

It's been said the only person ever to enter the Houses of Parliament with honourable intentions was Guy Fawkes. How true. toot! toot!

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Saturday night was Eurovision Night. And like the other 148 million people, i too tuned in to watch - with a chicken curry from the local Chinese takeaway perched on my lap! Being an ex-services man i was obviously rooting for the young lad Engelbert Humperdunk, but also keeping an eye on those sexy little grannies from Russia. Buranovskiye Babushki were so good, they were able to perform their song AND bake some biscuit's at the same time. Now they are what i call 'real women.'   

For me, it's been a hectic week or two. Maybe i should start calling myself Hectic Heckles instead of Herbert?  It's only been a few days since returning from my trip to Moscow, or 'Mockba', as us locals might say. It was blisteringly hot whilst there, which meant me stripping down to my socks/sandals and placing an old knotted hanky on the head.

You'll be pleased to know that all the main sights were covered, even for an old man with a war wound. The only problem i found was the 5* hotel was so luxurious i didn't want to leave it and go sightseeing. It was VERY nice. Piano being played in the bar, 24hr room service, spa and even a little chocolate placed on the bedside table upon a weary guests' return in the evening!!! 

The Bolshoi.

The plan was to spend an evening of culture and refinement at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre, but this didn't happen. No, ........ i spent two evenings of culture and refinement at The Bolshoi. And bloody nice it was too! I also managed a trip to another theatre just up the street to see a show. And that too was a grande affair.

The Mariinsky.

The only problem is -  now i'm two minds whether to go back again or visit St Petersburg and the equally world famous Mariinsky Theatre?? It all comes at a price though. Maybe i'll just fiddle my housing/disability benefit and pension? If i get caught out i can just say it was ''an oversight''. It seems to work for everyone else. 

Britain's Got NO Talent.

As you all know, i am a master of witt and funny practical jokes, and like nothing more than a good chuckle, but last weekend i over-did it to the point of almost cracking a rib. Seeing on the news that a dog had won BGT had me doubled up in convulsions - the last time that happened it was because of my old hernia problems!

It wasn't the fact a dog had won BGT and £500,000 in prize money. No! It was the realisation that for the past few months about 5 million losers had spent their evenings gormlessly glued  to the TV set watching a stupid talent show - only to find there wasn't any talent available, apart from that of a flea-bitten mutt. My God, i can't wait for next series.

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As you are no doubt aware, after today i shall be observing total radio silence and putting all my military training to good use as i go deep undercover in the heart of The Soviet Union. Yes, i do realise it's now called The Russian Federation, but Soviet Union sounds a lot more dangerous, don't cha think?!!  

Key objectives for Agent Heckles will be to seek out, gather information and photograph all the main tourist sites in Moscow; The Kremlin, St Basil's, Lenin's Tomb, The Bolshoi and Izmailovsky Market are just a few of the many targets earmarked for reconnaissance.

Izmailovsky Market. [yes, that's actually a market!]

Now, i may of aged a few years since my military days, shaddowing the British Secret Service, but i'll still look like i've got a licence to thrill when suited-up in the evenings. Although it's been quite a few years since a young lady has approached me with the phrase: ''Agent Heckles, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?''  Groan!

For those of you not lucky enough to be recieving a holiday momento upon my return, i leave you with the gift of my infinate wisdom, in the form of my, now regular, 'wise words'.... 

''A Nursed Grudge Never Heals''

Enjoy!

The Lottery Of Life.

Well what a busy week it's been. Doctors appointments here, Out Patients appointments there, why i've hardly had two minutes to rub together. It's not been all rush, rush, rush though. The other day i managed to have win the lottery. Okay, so it may only of been a tenner, but when you're a poor pensioner like myself: every little helps! Being a bit of a tight-arse means i like to spend my monies wisely, so i might use the money to buy some new incontinence pants or something.

Although it was only a small win, it didn't stop me from frittering away a few hours on the t'internet trying to select which private jet to buy. It's such a hard decision to make. Do i plump for the 9 or the 12 seater jet?, a wide-bodied jet?, or a long range jet? ... which would be perfect for my up-coming Saga holiday to New York. Anyway, after some deliberation i opted for the rather discrete; Embraer Lineage 1000. Now all i need is £39,999,990 and i'll be a fully paid up member of the mile high club - Yes, even with my dodgy back, hip and bladder.

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There was a recent survey in the news saying that mobile phones don't cause brain tumours. I already knew that, because you only have to look at the idiots blindly walking around with a mobile stuck to their ears to realise they've got zero chance on contracting anything as everyone knows that diseases cannot form in a vacuum.

Doctors have also called for a ''fat tax'' to be placed on junk foods. To me, this is a waste of time. A much better option would be to narrow the isles in all supermarkets so they can't reach the cakes and lard pies. If i had my way, all junk food outlets would be made to shut in Sundays. That way all these slobs and chavs might have to sit down and have a proper Sunday dinner, with meat and two veg, instead of a manky burger, fries and a high cholesterol smoothie. 

What a tit.

Love And Marriage, Love And Marriage.......

.... go together like a horse and carriage.

And in the case of Kate and Wills - quite literally. I can't believe it's been a whole year since the entire nation sat back with giant mugs of tea and watched the Royal wedding on the telly. How time flies eh?

If ever there were two people made for each other, then it has to be the lovely Kate and Wills. Yeah i know, i must be going soft in my old age, but considering all the hassle and trauma's that Wills [in particular] has been through, with the media, family pressures and the sad demise of Lady Di and such forth. As a wise old man i've always believed that good things should happen to nice people. And they don't come much nicer than our Kate and Wills.

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Talking of marriage. Serial exhibitionist Katie Price has decide to get hitched again!! That's the 3rd time now. By my calculations, if she keeps getting married and divorced at the same rate as she has done previously then by the age of 65 she'll of tied the knot 18 times. Now you can forgive one guy for being stupid enough to marry that common chavette just the once, but surely not three times!! What's the old saying? Oh yeah..... ''Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!'' People would be wise to remember that nugget of advice...

There's no charge for my infinite wisdom. Call it my little gift to you all.

Ladies: Be seen and not heard.

Now then..... i'm all in favour of women getting on in the world, once they've scrubbed the front doorstep, finished the ironing and tidied up, but they really seem to be taking liberties with us good natured gents. Why just the other day some woman decided to start sloshing petrol around the kitchen whilst cooking hubby's tea, and blow herself up!! This is what happens when the weaker sex try to multitask and over stretch themselves, instead of leaving all the technical stuff to the men.

Take coffee bean growing, menopausal nutcase Kristina Kirchner. A woman, who through bribery and corruption has managed to weedle her way to become President of a third rate Spanish outpost.

It's mouthy women like her that start mass brawls at the local ballrooms. If ever there was a case for women to go back to their traditional role of housewife, then she is it. Kirchner The Kleptomaniac is all over media like a re-occurring case of hemorrhoids at the present talking about ''colonial Britain'' and lots of other tosh, yet she seems to forget that it's her greasy Spanish ancestors that pitched up in South America, massacred the indigenous population and claimed it for themselves. People in glass houses eh...!

Just the other weekend i had a couple of evenings at the theatre to watch the ballet. Yes, i am that sophisticated!! Swan Lake and Romeo & Juliet just to be precise. The only fly in the oink'ment came on the 2nd night - in the form of two women sitting on my right side, who, throughout the performance constantly rustled sweetie papers and whispered odd bits of drivel into each others ears. Some people know nothing about etiquette and stuff. Anyway...annoying as this was, it was small fry compared to sitting at the intermission and listening to all their likes, dislikes, ailments and general hang-ups and emotional baggage that all women drag around for their entire lives and are only too willing to share with any unfortunate bystander.......... or theatre go-er!!! 

Now, i may have sciatica, a dodgy hip and a colostomy bag, but when the house lights came up at the end of the performance i literally bolted for the exit. A lucky escape if ever there was one. If a thick rope had of gone astray from the fly-tower i'd of absailed over the balcony. All those years of S.A.S training didn't go to waste. I've still got it .. i never lost it!

Juliet- played by Alevtina Lapshina.

So anyway, as i just mentioned, lucky me managed to get tickets for two shows by the best touring ballet company around at the moment: The Moscow City Ballet Company. And damn fine they were too. Obviously, star of the show was Prima Ballerina: Alevtina Lapshina. A woman whose 'fouettes' during Swan Lake and her annimated, silent screams of pain during Romeo & Juliet were easily worth the admission fee alone. Bravo!  

''Fouettes''

Performed by the world number one ballerina - Marianela Nunez. 

For Gods Sake, Give Us A Break!

Don't you just love those Tory toffs?

Thanks to the millionaire parasites in Canary Wharf and Westminster the country is in hock to the tune of a trillion quid. So what do the Tories think is the best way to get the economy restarted and the debt down???  Yep that's right, they give the richest in society a tax break!!

We all know that Conservatives always put the wealthy before the poor, but yesterday's budget beggars belief. Anyone with a brain knows that people who earn over £150,000 don't need a handout. So once again we have the same old situation of the low-paid subsidising the rich. The country is well and truly forked. They tell us  ''we're all in this together,'' but obviously some are more in it than others. How exactly will giving someone [who earns 1 million a year] an extra 50 grand help the elderly, disabled, homeless and unemployed? Maybe this what the Tories mean by ''trickle down'' economics!

One good thing to come out of all these protests and shenanigan's are all the banners that people keep wafting about, or should that be the 'funny' banners people keep wafting about. Here are my current top five:  

Five

Four

Three

Two

The undisputed winner

We Can't Go On Like This.

One of the main benefits of being old enough to be in sight of them pearly gates is that i won't have to sit and watch the entire country go tits up. Well, more tits up than it already is. Because for some unknown reason, politicians, regardless of their political allegiances seem to be unable to stop themselves from shafting the hardworking taxpayers of the UK. 

Hardly a day goes by when citizens of this once great nation don't get a good solid kick in the nuts by the parasites at Westminster. We're taxed to the hilt, arrested by the Thought Police and constantly being monitored under a sea of CCTV cameras ..... and now they're selling us down the river to the Americans.  

Yes, it would seem that the Government is only too quick to extradite retired businesman Christopher Tappin to the US without them having to produced a shred of credible evidence against him, but a man [ i use the word 'man' in the loosest possible way ] called Abu Qatada can walk the streets of Blighty safe in the knowledge that he is untouchable. Qatada is wanted for questioning by numerous foreign  countries regarding terrorist activities, but has spent many years, and no doubt millions of pounds of taxpayers money fighting extradition. As we all know, he's just one of a long line of undesirables who hide behind the Human Rights Act to avoid paying for their crimes against humanity.              

Scottish muppet, Gordon Brown coined the phrase; 'British jobs for British workers', then quickly proceeded to do the exact opposite, and it would also seem that David Cameron is using that phrase as his modus operandi. We're constantly being told there's no money in the kitty, but that doesn't stop the Tories wasting it like it's going out of fashion.

Just the other day the MOD put in an order for 4 naval tanker ships costing £452,000,000 ....  with a South Korean ship builder!!!! Maybe the manufacturing base in the UK has been destroyed so much that we're unable to build boats any more? What a sorry state of affairs. No doubt they'll fall apart within 6 months and what's the betting that China, Russia and Argentina get to study the blueprints long before our boys do?

Pride of the British Fleet. 

And as we all know [ if you pay attention to what's happening in the world ] not so long ago, thousands of workers got thrown onto the dole when Tories snubbed the UK's last train maker [Bombardier] and awarded a 3 billion pound contract to German firm- Siemens. British jobs for British workers, my arse! Incidentally, Seimens was one of the companies during WW2 that not only used slave labour to make vast profits, but also made components for incinerators and ventilation systems used to gas and burn millions of Jews in the Nazi extermination camps.

That's just a little something for YOU to think about whilst travelling around in one of the 1,200 carriages they're building for the London Thameslink rail route.

''Chin-up Tomasz, only 6,837,792 left, and then we'll start building trains for the British''

Houston, We Have A Problem!

God only knows what's been happening of late. These famous types seem to be dropping like flies. So many have popped their cloggs it's getting hard to keep track of 'em. Micheal Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Maggie Thatcher [oops sorry, that's just wishful thinking on my part]... and now Whitney has snuffed it, literally. Maybe it's something in the water? Or in Whiney's case, the bath water!

Apparently, Whitney had had not long finished shooting [no pun intended]a new film that was due out in the summer, it was to be called 'The Bodybag' and her management team had been telling her to lay off the drugs and get herself clean. As with most famous types they like to go over the top and as a result ended up brown bread in the bath. I guess she waited too long to exhale! She'll be a sad loss to the music biz because Whitney had sold over 170 million records, yet her biggest hits came from a crack-pipe. It's been well documented that she had a rather 'tempestious' relationship with her hubby, so it came as quite a shock to read the headline, 'Whitney Beats Bobby To Death.' Last week her funeral was shown live on the t'interweb, and they reckon it got around 40 million hits. Which is roughly the same number of hits that Whitney got from Bobby...

Joking aside, it is kinda sad to see people with talent, fame and fortune, who, through poor self control disappear up their own backsides. At the end of the day these people are the architects of their own downfall and deserve very little sympathy -  that should be saved for the people they've left behind.

I guess that's the thing with a lot of wealthy people, whether they happen to be famous or not - they're never truly happy with anything they have. It doesn't matter if they've got the fake B&Q teeth, flash cars or fancy second homes, because most have lives as empty and vacuous as a Greek bank account.