Flaming July !

Being a man who has trained in the jungles of Borneo - hot weather is something a man of my calibre is more than used to, but this last couple of weeks in Blighty have been an absolute scorcher in more ways than one.

The Olympic Torch has be the main focus of attention this month. Have you seen it yet? I managed to see it the other day as it was on my way to the local chiropodists where i was having an ingrown toe nail dug out. Our torch bearer was a young filly [Doris, aged 63] from the Women's Institute, who, when wobbling down the high street was greeted by thousands of onlookers who were going absolutely berserk!! Methinks the same thing will happen when the torch passes through London's various 'inner' suburbs, although they'll be going crazy after mistaking the torch for a giant splif.

''Now, how do you spell the word: twat?''

Now there are two things that really get on my wick these days.

One of them is moronic fools who constantly wander around with a mobile phone/i-pad glued to their hand as though they're expecting a phone call from Her Majesty. These people are serious losers who have no social life or real-life friends and as such deserve to be clubbed over the head and robbed of their latest safety-blanket gizmo.


The other annoying thing is; non-brits muscling-in on OUR Olympic Games. What the hell was Tory snob; Seb Coe thinking, giving the torch to a bunch of tin pot, no-name, talentless Johnny Foreigners??? For Gods sake, next thing we know those skirt wearing jocks will be having a go. Well, just as long as it doesn't go over to Ireland as it'll definitely end up being weighed in for scrap.

The best Olympic story was regarding some silly woman who, whilst on holiday, decided after having the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch last month, to have a tattoo for posterity. Now i do realise that the weaker sex aren't always the sharpest tools in the box, but you'd think she'd check the spelling before the needles came out. Obviously this woman didn't get nominated because of having a high IQ. At least they can't get child birth wrong!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wise words from Mr Heckles....

''Choose friends for their looks and enemies for their intelligence''

We've Finally Wimbledone It !!!

Well what a fantastic week it's been for tennis. That young Federer chappy being roared on to victory and the woman with the massive bum winning too. Easily the highlight of Wimbledon week had to be Sheffield tennis player; Jonathan Marray, with his side-kick; Freddie Nielsen winning the mens doubles' title for the first time since 1936. Stirling stuff, as it's always good to see a 'real' Briton doing well.

It's just a shame my favourite player, the ever smiling; Sabine Lisicki didn't make it to the finals. Like most gents i've always been quite fascinated by female tennis players. I'm not sure if it's the way they catch and hold two balls at once, or because they've got highly developed forearms and a very firm grip!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the evenings, with curtains drawn and lights turned off, i've sometimes indulged in one of my guilty pleasures - no,no, not that guilty pleasure! I'm talking about watching; The Only Way Is Essex. A docu-soap about a bunch of mentally stunted, soft southern inbreds, who, despite having no visible means of income manage to while away their pitiful lives just lying on sunbeds, buying fake teeth, drinking Lambrini, waxing, shaving and having boob-jobs - and that's just the blokes.  

I read a story about one of the ahem!...''stars''... of the show who was mugged in central London the other week. The rather aptly named; Joey Essex [ironic, as that's the name of the show] was set upon by some ruffians and a Rolex watch costing £10,000 was ripped from his person. Police say they were unsure as to what he was most upset about - losing an expensive watch or the fact he'd only just learnt how to tell the time!

Kicking The Bucket - Metaphorically And Quite Literally!

I
It's been a funny month or so for famous person deaths. First of all the lovely Donna Summer passed away from lung cancer at the spritely age of 63. Shortly followed by disco legend Robin Gibb who died of cancer complications at the age of 62. Then only t'uther week Brian Hibbard, the lead singer of 80's pop harmony group The Flying Pickets dies from prostate cancer aged 65.

It's always a shame when people that are so well-liked and talented pass away. Even more so when you consider the current crop of karaoke rejects that seem to come and go like a reoccuring case of hemorrhoids!! Still, i guess it's not all bad news.  Alex Salmons number one fan; Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi finally took the hint, curled up and died at his home in Tripoli. I reckon if ever there was a reason why ''You Should be Dancin,'' - that must be it.

I taught the boy everything he knows!

It just goes to show you never know when your number is up and those Pearly Gates are swinging open. All the more reason to make sure that bucket list gets a damn good kicking whenever possible.

Even as someone in their twilight years my own bucket has taken a few hits recently. Global travel, my trip to Moscow and the world famous Bolshoi. A parachute jump was also crossed-off the list some time ago. Okay, so i needed a medical where they did everything except shine a torch up my rectum, but it was a price worth paying and in a rather perverse way i almost enjoyed it... As for the parachute jump, well, lets just say it's not the first time i've been suspended in a harness, and i'm hoping it won't be the last. Ooh Matron!!

If you've been paying attention earlier [ if not - why not? ] you'll know i have my Saga holiday to New York lined up immediately after Christmas. It's a bit of a long shot, but the possibility of seeing Central Park in the snow has always captured my imagination ever since i was a wee slip of a lad. Also, visiting the very beautiful St. Petersburg and the Mariinski Theatre are other items that will hopefully get struck'un off the list in 2012 - fingers crossed. Admittedly, a costly exercise for someone on a meagre state pension and disability allowance, but as they always say ''you can't it with you'' which is technically correct, although Robert Maxwell had a damn good try.

The Church On Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg. Lovely! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As always, at the end of each blog i dispense pearls of wisdom to you all in the form of my much sought after: 'wise words'. Keeping with the current theme, i leave you with this nugget of wisdom.

''NOW is the best time to be alive - so don't be bored''

Pulp Fact - Not Fiction.

Even as a military man with years of jungle training, encompassing hand-to-hand combat alongside Japanese ninja's, i still abhor violence of any kind. Well, unless it means seeing an MP get a damn good pasting inside the 'squared circle.'

Oh Yesss. Last week, ex-Cheeky Girl Lothario Lembit Opik thought it'd be a good idea to enter a tag-team wrestling match because he thought it was all staged. The result might be staged, but being throttled by an 18 stone guy certainly isn't. 

Lembit makes his wrestling debut at 02:55 secs.

The thing i find most disturbing about this whole episode is that Opik was previously elected as a Member of Parliament and had to make mildly important-ish decisions [he was a Lib Dem afterall] about the running of the UK. It would seem that Mr Opik, just like most MP's, suffers from a severe lack of judgement as not only did he try and out-wrestle a wrestler, but he also dumped sexy TV weather girl Sian Lloyd for a scrawny Cheeky Girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As always, at the end of each blog i do the honour of imparting a small piece of my wisdom to you all. As many will already testify to: generosity to others has always been my achilles heel.

Today's ''wise words''...

Women are like sparklers - they should always be kept at arms length.

Sexy Grannies And MP's Who Take The Biscuit.

It would seem that British politicians still have little or no will-power when it comes to leaching off the public purse.

The rather large breasted Baroness Warsi has now been accused of fiddling her housing expenses. She calls it, ''an oversight'', but we all know that's just politician speak for; ''oh sht, i've been caught stealing, i'll quickly put it back and we'll forget all about it''.

Anyone else would get the book thrown at them, she'll probably get a promotion and new ministerial car. Yes, in 2012 the Westminster Gravy Train is still working at full throttle.

It's been said the only person ever to enter the Houses of Parliament with honourable intentions was Guy Fawkes. How true. toot! toot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday night was Eurovision Night. And like the other 148 million people, i too tuned in to watch - with a chicken curry from the local Chinese takeaway perched on my lap! Being an ex-services man i was obviously rooting for the young lad Engelbert Humperdunk, but also keeping an eye on those sexy little grannies from Russia. Buranovskiye Babushki were so good, they were able to perform their song AND bake some biscuit's at the same time. Now they are what i call 'real women.'   

For me, it's been a hectic week or two. Maybe i should start calling myself Hectic Heckles instead of Herbert?  It's only been a few days since returning from my trip to Moscow, or 'Mockba', as us locals might say. It was blisteringly hot whilst there, which meant me stripping down to my socks/sandals and placing an old knotted hanky on the head.

You'll be pleased to know that all the main sights were covered, even for an old man with a war wound. The only problem i found was the 5* hotel was so luxurious i didn't want to leave it and go sightseeing. It was VERY nice. Piano being played in the bar, 24hr room service, spa and even a little chocolate placed on the bedside table upon a weary guests' return in the evening!!! 

The Bolshoi.

The plan was to spend an evening of culture and refinement at the world famous Bolshoi Theatre, but this didn't happen. No, ........ i spent two evenings of culture and refinement at The Bolshoi. And bloody nice it was too! I also managed a trip to another theatre just up the street to see a show. And that too was a grande affair.

The Mariinsky.

The only problem is -  now i'm two minds whether to go back again or visit St Petersburg and the equally world famous Mariinsky Theatre?? It all comes at a price though. Maybe i'll just fiddle my housing/disability benefit and pension? If i get caught out i can just say it was ''an oversight''. It seems to work for everyone else. 

Britain's Got NO Talent.

As you all know, i am a master of witt and funny practical jokes, and like nothing more than a good chuckle, but last weekend i over-did it to the point of almost cracking a rib. Seeing on the news that a dog had won BGT had me doubled up in convulsions - the last time that happened it was because of my old hernia problems!

It wasn't the fact a dog had won BGT and £500,000 in prize money. No! It was the realisation that for the past few months about 5 million losers had spent their evenings gormlessly glued  to the TV set watching a stupid talent show - only to find there wasn't any talent available, apart from that of a flea-bitten mutt. My God, i can't wait for next series.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you are no doubt aware, after today i shall be observing total radio silence and putting all my military training to good use as i go deep undercover in the heart of The Soviet Union. Yes, i do realise it's now called The Russian Federation, but Soviet Union sounds a lot more dangerous, don't cha think?!!  

Key objectives for Agent Heckles will be to seek out, gather information and photograph all the main tourist sites in Moscow; The Kremlin, St Basil's, Lenin's Tomb, The Bolshoi and Izmailovsky Market are just a few of the many targets earmarked for reconnaissance.

Izmailovsky Market. [yes, that's actually a market!]

Now, i may of aged a few years since my military days, shaddowing the British Secret Service, but i'll still look like i've got a licence to thrill when suited-up in the evenings. Although it's been quite a few years since a young lady has approached me with the phrase: ''Agent Heckles, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?''  Groan!

For those of you not lucky enough to be recieving a holiday momento upon my return, i leave you with the gift of my infinate wisdom, in the form of my, now regular, 'wise words'.... 

''A Nursed Grudge Never Heals''

Enjoy!

The Lottery Of Life.

Well what a busy week it's been. Doctors appointments here, Out Patients appointments there, why i've hardly had two minutes to rub together. It's not been all rush, rush, rush though. The other day i managed to have win the lottery. Okay, so it may only of been a tenner, but when you're a poor pensioner like myself: every little helps! Being a bit of a tight-arse means i like to spend my monies wisely, so i might use the money to buy some new incontinence pants or something.

Although it was only a small win, it didn't stop me from frittering away a few hours on the t'internet trying to select which private jet to buy. It's such a hard decision to make. Do i plump for the 9 or the 12 seater jet?, a wide-bodied jet?, or a long range jet? ... which would be perfect for my up-coming Saga holiday to New York. Anyway, after some deliberation i opted for the rather discrete; Embraer Lineage 1000. Now all i need is £39,999,990 and i'll be a fully paid up member of the mile high club - Yes, even with my dodgy back, hip and bladder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a recent survey in the news saying that mobile phones don't cause brain tumours. I already knew that, because you only have to look at the idiots blindly walking around with a mobile stuck to their ears to realise they've got zero chance on contracting anything as everyone knows that diseases cannot form in a vacuum.

Doctors have also called for a ''fat tax'' to be placed on junk foods. To me, this is a waste of time. A much better option would be to narrow the isles in all supermarkets so they can't reach the cakes and lard pies. If i had my way, all junk food outlets would be made to shut in Sundays. That way all these slobs and chavs might have to sit down and have a proper Sunday dinner, with meat and two veg, instead of a manky burger, fries and a high cholesterol smoothie. 

What a tit.

Love And Marriage, Love And Marriage.......

.... go together like a horse and carriage.

And in the case of Kate and Wills - quite literally. I can't believe it's been a whole year since the entire nation sat back with giant mugs of tea and watched the Royal wedding on the telly. How time flies eh?

If ever there were two people made for each other, then it has to be the lovely Kate and Wills. Yeah i know, i must be going soft in my old age, but considering all the hassle and trauma's that Wills [in particular] has been through, with the media, family pressures and the sad demise of Lady Di and such forth. As a wise old man i've always believed that good things should happen to nice people. And they don't come much nicer than our Kate and Wills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Talking of marriage. Serial exhibitionist Katie Price has decide to get hitched again!! That's the 3rd time now. By my calculations, if she keeps getting married and divorced at the same rate as she has done previously then by the age of 65 she'll of tied the knot 18 times. Now you can forgive one guy for being stupid enough to marry that common chavette just the once, but surely not three times!! What's the old saying? Oh yeah..... ''Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!'' People would be wise to remember that nugget of advice...

There's no charge for my infinite wisdom. Call it my little gift to you all.

Ladies: Be seen and not heard.

Now then..... i'm all in favour of women getting on in the world, once they've scrubbed the front doorstep, finished the ironing and tidied up, but they really seem to be taking liberties with us good natured gents. Why just the other day some woman decided to start sloshing petrol around the kitchen whilst cooking hubby's tea, and blow herself up!! This is what happens when the weaker sex try to multitask and over stretch themselves, instead of leaving all the technical stuff to the men.

Take coffee bean growing, menopausal nutcase Kristina Kirchner. A woman, who through bribery and corruption has managed to weedle her way to become President of a third rate Spanish outpost.

It's mouthy women like her that start mass brawls at the local ballrooms. If ever there was a case for women to go back to their traditional role of housewife, then she is it. Kirchner The Kleptomaniac is all over media like a re-occurring case of hemorrhoids at the present talking about ''colonial Britain'' and lots of other tosh, yet she seems to forget that it's her greasy Spanish ancestors that pitched up in South America, massacred the indigenous population and claimed it for themselves. People in glass houses eh...!

Just the other weekend i had a couple of evenings at the theatre to watch the ballet. Yes, i am that sophisticated!! Swan Lake and Romeo & Juliet just to be precise. The only fly in the oink'ment came on the 2nd night - in the form of two women sitting on my right side, who, throughout the performance constantly rustled sweetie papers and whispered odd bits of drivel into each others ears. Some people know nothing about etiquette and stuff. Anyway...annoying as this was, it was small fry compared to sitting at the intermission and listening to all their likes, dislikes, ailments and general hang-ups and emotional baggage that all women drag around for their entire lives and are only too willing to share with any unfortunate bystander.......... or theatre go-er!!! 

Now, i may have sciatica, a dodgy hip and a colostomy bag, but when the house lights came up at the end of the performance i literally bolted for the exit. A lucky escape if ever there was one. If a thick rope had of gone astray from the fly-tower i'd of absailed over the balcony. All those years of S.A.S training didn't go to waste. I've still got it .. i never lost it!

Juliet- played by Alevtina Lapshina.

So anyway, as i just mentioned, lucky me managed to get tickets for two shows by the best touring ballet company around at the moment: The Moscow City Ballet Company. And damn fine they were too. Obviously, star of the show was Prima Ballerina: Alevtina Lapshina. A woman whose 'fouettes' during Swan Lake and her annimated, silent screams of pain during Romeo & Juliet were easily worth the admission fee alone. Bravo!  

''Fouettes''

Performed by the world number one ballerina - Marianela Nunez. 

For Gods Sake, Give Us A Break!

Don't you just love those Tory toffs?

Thanks to the millionaire parasites in Canary Wharf and Westminster the country is in hock to the tune of a trillion quid. So what do the Tories think is the best way to get the economy restarted and the debt down???  Yep that's right, they give the richest in society a tax break!!

We all know that Conservatives always put the wealthy before the poor, but yesterday's budget beggars belief. Anyone with a brain knows that people who earn over £150,000 don't need a handout. So once again we have the same old situation of the low-paid subsidising the rich. The country is well and truly forked. They tell us  ''we're all in this together,'' but obviously some are more in it than others. How exactly will giving someone [who earns 1 million a year] an extra 50 grand help the elderly, disabled, homeless and unemployed? Maybe this what the Tories mean by ''trickle down'' economics!

One good thing to come out of all these protests and shenanigan's are all the banners that people keep wafting about, or should that be the 'funny' banners people keep wafting about. Here are my current top five:  

Five

Four

Three

Two

The undisputed winner